Deliberate Day 6

Uh oh - I have nothing to say. 

This kinda sorta sucks when I'm trying to "deliberately blog" for at least 30 days.  In 1980, Air Supply sang about being "All Outta Love" ... here I am in 2013 ... "All Outta Words."  (I think I hear my spouse & kids cheering in the background!)  Let's see ... what's new today, May 6, 2013? 

Here are some random "off the top o' my head" thoughts:

• My migraine is gone!  I'm SOOOO happy!  That was one of the longest and most painful migraine episodes I have ever had.  I am appreciating SO MUCH being headache free as of Saturday afternoon.  You forget how good it feels to feel good until you don't feel so good.  ;-)
• I am thinking (only thinking ...) about undertaking a squats challenge starting tonight.  I have an outfit I want to be able to wear comfortably and right now it's feeling wayyy less than comfortable.  sigh*  My scale isn't up all that much but it is up AND I am really out of shape -- especially my thighs and stomach (story of my life).  This challenge seems daunting at the outset ... you start off on day 1 doing 50 squats and by the end of 30 days you are able to finish 250 squats!  I didn't do so well with the C25K (run three miles in 8 weeks) ... shin splints from hell, remember?  Chuck and I did go walking 3 miles yesterday and that felt really good.  He wore his 40 pound pack (for his fire dept pack test) and he did great the entire 3 mile walk.  When we finished and were back in the house I had him put that 40 pound pack on my back.  It was so heavy ... I couldn't believe I used to carry more than twice that just 4 years ago.  No wonder weight loss is important!  90 pounds gone and moving is so much better.  However, I still realllllllly need to work on toning.  I'm going to try to do this squats challenge but I make no promises at the outset.  ;-)
• Setting time aside to write and read daily has been fantastic!  I finished one book last week and I am half way through with two others.  I am learning a lot.
• I have been giving some serious thought to getting involved in a charity/volunteer organization.  Something for teens would be my preference.  All the musing over friendships, etc., I've been doing has led me to determine that too much time on one's hands can make for idle chit chat and meaningless rambling (ha - speaking of meaningless rambling ... kinda sounds like this deliberate blog, doesn't it?).  But I do think if I were to get involved in something that helped others I wouldn't have time to listen to or engage in useless talk.  The situation of developing quality friendships would take care of itself.
• Not only do I want to find an organization in which I can volunteer my time - I also want to develop a hobby.  I'm not sure what that would be yet but I am trying to think about what it is I really enjoy doing.  I wish I could figure out how to get a writer's group going - and/or - a book club.  I love to read and write. 
• I want to take violin and flute lessons.  Going to the symphonies recently really gave me an itch to play an instrument. 
• I am having difficulty dealing with the fact that I will be turning 50 in two months.  I have never in my life been bothered by a birthday or a number ... this year I have to be honest and admit ... I'm bothered.  A co-worker told me today, "It's just another number.  Don't worry about it.  You'll turn 50 and then the next day you won't feel any different."  That really did help to make me feel a lot better.  It's a head thing and I have to just deal with it and not obsess over it.  I'm fortunate to have lived 50 years and that's where my focus needs to be - thankfulness.

That's all I have for now ... I'm going to go read and then think about tomorrow's post ...

Deliberately.  ;-)

Deliberate Day 5

I must say I am LOVING spending time deliberately blogging.  I have missed this immensely!  It's even hard for me to sleep some nights because my mind is racing with ideas, things to think out, things to write out.  Here's what's rolling around in this brain of mine today:

* or *
Choose Your Friends Wisely

I haven't decided which of the above title's is better for this blog.  And, although the following bullet points started out as an overview/outline for the blog, I think it will actually work just fine as the blog. 

• I do not like drama.  If you are a person who enjoys drama, I am not the friend for you.
• If you are a person who talks in "riddles" on your Facebook page to get an "anonymous message" out to people because you don't have the guts to confront them face to face, I am not the friend for you.
• If you are a whiner, complainer, instigator or irritator, I am not the friend for you.
• If you will talk TO me about someone else behind their back I will assume you will, in due time, talk ABOUT me to someone else behind my back.  You are not the friend for me.

Uh - Dear GOD (not meant as a prayer - meant more as a "What the heck?") - I simply do not get what is with people.  I used to think I had a problem making friends but after careful (and deliberate) consideration this past six months I have decided I really don't have a problem making friends.  I am just extremely selective in those I want to be friends with.  I like people - I really do.  But I do not like drama.  I do not like negativity. I don't like chronic complaining. 

I guess a question I'm really trying to figure out is:  Is it a requirement to talk about other people in order to form a close friendship with a person or can a friendship really and truly be forged without gossip? 

  

I recently was in an uncomfortable situation.  A person I know said she no longer wanted to be friends with another person we both know. Flat out it was requested that I act like I didn't know anything if this (other) mutual acquaintance asked me about it.

Really?  You want me to lie on your behalf because you don't have the courage to tell someone you don't want to be friends with them anymore? 

I'm sorry - are you really wondering why you don't have friends?

Right then and there I made a decision to keep my distance from the first person asking me to lie on her behalf.  I simply am not looking for a close relationship with that type of individual.

I appreciate someone who can and will be honest but if the subject matter they need to broach is touchy, at least go to the person (with whom you have the issue) yourself and, in the process, be kind. 

Be truthful but gentle. 

Some people take pride in the fact that they will "... tell it like it is and if you don't like it, that's your problem."  Hmm, okay.  Some almost appear to believe that their ability to confront gives them the license to be abrupt and rude in their delivery.  

I wouldn't take pride in being rude or unkind.

And I don't want those individuals close in my life.  Period. 

There's a proverb that goes something like this:  "A man [woman] that hath friends must show him[her]self friendly."  (18:24)

It's true and I think it's really that simple.  I felt sorry for the person who asked me to lie on her behalf because she is unable to see how she is treating people.  She, like many, often makes mention of Satan being the reason she's unhappy.  Hm, really?  A lot of times we give the devil way too much credit for our misery.  We just don't want to accept responsibility for our own actions.  There used to be a skit on "Laugh In" that starred the comedian Flip Wilson.  Whenever Flip would say or do something that was not right he would say, "The devil made me do it." 

Nah.  The devil didn't make you say or do anything.  You chose the action.  You chose the comment.  The devil isn't responsible for many of our actions.  We make choices.  A sign of maturity is to accept responsibility (and all of the consequences) that come along with our choices and actions.

For me, I'm turning 50 in two months.  My last child is going to turn 18 yrs., he's graduating high school and he's entering the Marines. 

My life is changing. 

This is the time for me to make deliberate choices with regard to who I want to include in my close circle of friends.  I do like people and I do want friends, but I don't need friends just to have a "numbers of friends."

I just want true friends.  I am extremely selective in my friendships and I am guarded.  I'm not afraid of people - there is a difference between selective/guarded and afraid. 

In summation: When evaluating the establishment of a new friendship a person has but one thing to decide:  Is this person the type of person with whom you should go the distance or keep your distance?

And remember -
Be true to yourself - Trust yourself - Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you - Be a person who brings out the best in others.
Deliberately. 

Deliberate Day 4

Well, it's Day 4 of a migraine.  I would love to deliberately make it go away!  But that doesn't sound like the makings of a very positive blog so ... forging ahead:

"The Four Agreements."

This is the title of a book I finished reading earlier this week.  It's written by Don Miguel Ruiz and it's in the "New Age" section of your Barnes and Nobles bookstore.  Good read.  A little over my head if I'm being completely honest but still, a good read.

On this, Deliberate Day 4, I thought I would try to push the migraine fog aside and share some of what I gleaned from this little paperback gem.  The Four Agreements include the following:

1. BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD.
2. DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
3. DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
4. ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

Sounds simple enough, right?  I found the first one to be VERY interesting.  To be impeccable with your word doesn't just mean speaking the truth to others.  It means speaking the truth to YOURSELF. 

In one situation this week I had a decision to make.  Ultimately, what made that decision easiest for me was being truthful with myself as to how I wanted to proceed.  I stated my truth to the person with whom I had to address the decision.  I completely stated my reasoning for why I was not going to do something.  Then - I didn't take her response in return personal. (It seemed as though the person might have made some assumptions about my decision even though I was very honest with my reasoning.  But I will not assume that she made assumptions or ... I'd be making assumptions about her assumptions!  ha)  In thinking over the decision I made - I think it was the best decision I could make at the time but I'm also confronted with the reality that it was a fear based decision.  I was being asked to attend a get-together where I only knew one other person.  Anyone who knows me at all knows I am extremely (almost to the point of a phobia) afraid of going out with anybody other than family members.  I have one friend who I have been attending the symphony/orchestra with recently and, while it was originally out of my comfort zone to go I'm so glad I did.  It gets easier.

So ... I will revisit the subject of facing the unknown and stepping out of my comfort zone very soon in an upcoming blog!

In the mean time -- I did the BEST I could based on how I was feeling (migraine/stress) and the information I had about who would be at the get-together.  I only knew the host.  What would I talk about?  Would subjects I was uncomfortable discussing (i.e. work) come up in a negative way?  How would I respond?  I still really need to work on my fear of the unknown but I believe at this time I did my personal best to come up with a decision and I hope I didn't make anyone feel rejected in the process.  It's difficult at times to be true to yourself, to speak your truth and to know that others may read more in to it, personalize it and not take you at your word.  But that is not on me - that's on them.  On this day I rest peacefully knowing that I really meant well and my decision to bow out of the activity was not a reflection on the invitee.  It was simply the decision that I could rest comfortably with personally. 

Maybe in time I won't hesitate when I'm invited out.  Maybe in time ...

I do think if I would face this fear going out would get a lot easier.

(Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid to leave my house, etc.  I just have a great deal of difficulty going out one on one with someone else or going to an event where I am not with Chuck or the kids and I don't know many people.  I do not like awkward silences and ... it's just who I up to this point in time.)
---
Another situation in which I was able to practice the above was with regards to my job.  I didn't go in to work yesterday because I was being impeccable with my word - my word to myself.  I really do not like to call in sick to a job where I have been a faithful employee for 13 years.  I also do not like to let my fellow (very faithful) co-workers down.  So ... against my better judgement I made that drive in to work yesterday  - having to pull off the road twice on the way in.  I had one of the worst migraines I have ever had.  (Lately they have all seemed like the "worst migraine I've ever had" ... what's up with that?)  By the time I got to work, retrieved the various stacks I needed to retrieve from the main building and walked in to my own my office I quickly realized I was not being impeccable with my own word to myself.  I had promised myself after the last migraine episode that I would not force myself to work the next time I felt like that.  I had made a promise to myself but I wasn't keeping the promise to myself in an effort to make other people happy.  But I remembered what I had learned about being impeccable with my own word to myself and as I sat down at my desk with the most throbbing headache ever I made a decision.

I kept a promise to myself yesterday morning.

On the way home I decided to stop by the lab (with a slip for 8 blood tests requested by my doctor in a previous days appointment to figure out what's up), after which I came straight home, darkened my bedroom as best I could, broke down and took more migraine medication, and attempted to sleep it off. 

It felt better late in the afternoon but this morning - the migraine is back.  I'm not sure what's going on but that's another topic for another day. 

FOR TODAY:  I am thinking of each of the four agreements and how they can really make a difference in daily living. 

"Don't take things personally." 

This one has made a difference in my driving. Yep, you read that right, my driving!  You see, tailgaiters really irritate me.  And with the Prius there has to be something about that back windshield because ever since we bought the Prius it seems like it's easier to see tailgaiters - or some strange optical illusion makes other drivers "appear closer" than they really are.  Whatever the case -- tailgaiters really bug me!  Rude drivers bug me in general.  People are in such a hurry these days - so they'll zoom by, flip you off, and meet you at the next stop light. (Wow - THAT got you far buddy.  What did it gain you ... maybe a momentary feeling of being 30 seconds ahead?)

But I am trying to not take things personally.  What's it to me if another driver wants to go faster than I'm going?  What's the big deal really?  It's nothing personal - it's not a judgement on my driving.  They want to go faster and that's their choice.  Period. 

I need to stop making assumptions about other people, their behavior, their decisions.

So to sum it up I'm reminded of a verse in the Bible (James 5:12) that goes something like this:  "It is even more important, my brothers and sisters, that you remember not to make a vow by the heavens or the earth or by anything. When you say 'yes,' it should always mean 'yes,' and 'no' should always mean 'no. If you can keep your word, you will avoid judgment."


Loosely translated: 

• Be impeccable with your word. 
• Let your yes be yes and your no be no. 
• Be honest. 
• Speak your truth. 
• Don't take anything personally
• Don't make assumptions about others, and
• ALWAYS do your best.

This week I have spoken the truth.  I've said what I've wanted to say.  At times I've determined it's best to keep my thoughts to myself.  But I've been impeccable with my word.  And to my surprise - being impeccable with my word (also known as being true to myself) allowed me to take better care of myself yesterday and be true enough to give myself  permission to stay home and try to feel better.
That's a big step.  An improvement.

Growth.

I would like to encourage you to check out this book, "The Four Agreements" ( hopefully it's available at your local library).  Make an honest attempt to follow those four steps above ...

Deliberately.

 

Deliberate Day 3

I thought I would have to go back and edit/update Deliberate Day 2, but after reading that through once again I think it will stand as it is.

But I will add to it here on Day 3. 

I will add three things I would have liked to have been given a do-over on in my life (after I take a minute and think about it!):

1. I wish I would have continued on with music lessons (I never "finished" with piano or violin lessons).  Recently I attended both a symphony and an orchestra concert out at the local college. While sitting in the audience during both events I was reallllllllllly wishing I knew how to competently play any instrument that would have allowed me to join in the fun!
2. I wish I would have gone to a public school in middle school.  My parents gave me a choice between 7th and 8th grade to switch schools and attend a local public school.  A part of me really wanted to do so but the other part of me was too afraid.  Fear won out.  I was somewhat "popular" at my middle school and I would have to "start over" at a new school.  So I practically begged my parents to allow me to keep attending the little private school.  From there I went on to a Christian high school school and didn't have the best experience.  If I "knew then what I know now" I would have made the transition to a public school, not been so self-conscious or worried so much that I wouldn't fit in and be popular, and I would have studied hard and really involved myself in the various music programs offered. 
3. I would have finished college when I was "college aged".  AND ... I would not have gone to a little tiny Baptist college just to appease my future in-laws.  I was told by my future brother-in-law at the time that I could not take on the family name without a college degree.  Was he joking?  Perhaps to a degree [ha, pardon THAT pun] ... but their feelings about higher education were pretty black and white.  And so my future mother-in-law called her "dear old friend" (a former church member) who happened to direct an all women's ensemble at (what was a the time) a little bible school in Southern California.  Sure enough that friend of hers opened up a slot for me to audition for said ensemble, and - surprise:  I got in (never will be sure if it was of my own doing or if it wouldn't have mattered if I sucked in that audition - I probably would've gotten in because it was pretty much decided for me ahead of time in that conversation between two old friends).  Anyway - I would've gone to a larger school - maybe even a University.  It didn't have to be a private/religious based school but I didn't even consider other options at the time.  Oh how I wish I would have.

So there you have it ... a tiny glimpse into part of my "If I Knew Then" wish list.  And while there are other (likely more significant) "do-over wishes" ... those are a few of the somewhat lighter ones I feel comfortable sharing. 

After thinking about it all the fact is ... there are no do-overs.  There really are only "do betters" now.  We could never base our decisions "back then" on what we know about the "in the future" ... it was simply impossible to know what would be. 

But now we know we have a choice.  We are looking ahead to the future today.  And in the here and now we can resolve to make the best and the right choices with the information we have in the here and now.  Do the next right thing - and then the next ...

But I can say this next thing with absolute certainty:  I have learned to NEVER make a choice based on fear.  I have learned that fear will always keep me from making a clearly thought out decision.  In most of my "...wish I had a do-over" situations (when I think back to what I wish I would've done differently) I realize I often acted out of fear.  I have made many decisions based on fear ... often fear of the unknown.

Charles Stanley (most known for serving as president and founder of In Touch Ministries) once said:  "Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins."

On this, Deliberate Day 3, I want to encourage you to think about what you might undertake to do if fear was left out of your decision making process. 
If there's something you really want to do, don't let any fear hold you back.  Go for it ...

Deliberately.

Deliberate Day 2

(Before I get into my writing for the day I wanted to share that earlier in the week I jokingly told a friend, "I may have been raised a Baptist but I swear ... I think I've become a Buddhist."  I say THAT to say THIS:  Please don't be surprised if one day I refer to a scripture passage that has proven inspirational in my life and another day [or in the same day's post for that matter] I refer to something from the teachings of the Dalai Lama.  Inspirational words - all types - inspire me.  I suppose that's the point, right?)  Now that that's outta the way ... I'll forge on toward Deliberate Day #2.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

13 - Brothers and sisters, I myself don’t think I’ve reached it, but I do this one thing: I forget about the things behind me and reach out for the things ahead of me.
Philippians 3:13 (Common English Bible - CEB)


If you're at all like me, at some point along life's way, you've felt a desire to go back in time and change something - reset the clock - have a a do-over.  While the occasional teacher might allow for a do-over in the form of offering their students an opportunity to retake a test - many of our "less than perfect" moments don't come with this do-over opportunity.   

So how's about we consider instead a "do better?"  Maya Angelou once said, "When you know better, you can do better." 

---
Okay, here's a moment of sheer honesty here.  I am trying to write this with a migraine from hell and I just cannot do this writing justice so I'll have to pick up Day 2 on Day 3 ... or whenever the migriane is willing to subside.

Deliberate Day 1

When I was a child I dreamed of becoming ...

 

 

Wow!  You know, I could probably stop right there -- with that one sentence.

 

 

"When I was a child I dreamed of becoming."

If I had written instead, "When I was a child I dreamed of becoming  ______________," I might have filled in the blank with any number of different things depending on my age or how I felt on a given day, or what show I was watching on TV, or what play I was visiting with my class on a field trip.  Yep - any number of things - any number of dreams ... 

"When I was a child I dreamed of becoming _________ 

•  ... a wife." 
• ... a mom."
• ... a homemaker."
• ... a writer."

 

• If I think wayyyy back (okay, maybe not wayyyyyyyyyy back ... I'm not THAT old - geesh!) ... when I was young, during the Winter Olympics I always dreamed of becoming an ice skater. 
• When I went to see "The Nutcracker" performed with a group of my classmates while still in elementary school I dreamed of becoming a ballerina. 
• When I won running races (thinking back, I really was a fast little fart) I dreamed of becoming an Olympic track star - 50 yard dash!
• When I went to our local library I always enjoyed checking out magic books and I dreamed of becoming a magician. 
• I don't really know why but I even went through a stage where I dreamed of becoming a ventriloquist. 
• When my dad brought home hulu hoops I dreamed of being on the Mike Douglas show performing as the World's Greatest Hula Hoopist!  (ha - I never said I was a humble kid ... and ... is "hoopist" a word?!)
• When I realized I could come up with quippy comebacks I dreamed of becoming a stand up comedian, (Yep, really.  Hey, if it worked for Phyllis Diller ...)
• When I could make up a rhyme off the top of my head I dreamed of becoming the next Dr. Seuss (still a major dream, by the way).
• When I started piano lessons I dreamed of becoming a concert pianist.
• When my vocal teacher in high school told me I showed "real promise" I dreamed of becoming an opera singer.

 

Yes.  I've had many "dreams" along the way.  Thinking back on each dream makes me smile today.

 

There is a freedom in dreaming.  And, as children, I think we were more free to dream and in our imagination, we were without limitations.  For me personally, I didn't think in terms of what I couldn't become ... I simply thought in terms of what I dreamed of becoming.  Nobody ever told me I "couldn't" become. 

 

Did I stop dreaming?  I don't think so - I still have dreams.  It's fun to dream.  I like having something to look forward to and I like dreaming of what I want to do, who I want to be.  I am inspired by others, I am hopeful of the future, I like to plan and dream and try new things.

 

I like to dream. 

Think back on it - when you were little, do you remember being asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  

 

What did you say?

 

And now, today, what do you dream of becoming?

 

Think about it -- DELIBERATELY!  ;-)

----------------
*HOMEWORK:

1. Remember a time when you dreamed without limitations.  What did you dream of becoming?  Write some things down as they come to your mind.
2. What do you want to become today?  (The sky is the limit!)
3. Ken Medema has a song entitled, 'Is There A Place for Dreaming."  Google it (GREAT song!).

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

'It's never too late to be what you might have been."

[George Eliot]

 

  rdahlen

Welcome to: Deliberate Days ...

Some time ago I read that a person could possibly achieve "more successful weight loss/maintenance" if they wrote down every single food that went into their mouth.  Further, if one wanted a chance at even better success one could try planning every thing they would eat ahead of time AND then cross off the food as they ate.  (By the way - if you hadn't already put the pieces together - the "one" I'm referring is yours truly!)  :-)

So -- what does that have to do with "Deliberate Days"?  Welllll ... I'm glad you asked. 

This past weekend I was realizing how much time passes without my being aware ... (in other words, as I was thinking back over the weekend I realized I didn't have much to show for the time when Sunday night rolled around and Monday was, once again, at my door).  Where did the weekend go?  (Sounds a little similar to, "Where did that pound come from?")  I figured if deliberate eating could help achieve more successful weight maintenance ... maybe deliberate [planning of] days could help achieve more successful living.

To that end I decided that, during the month of May, I am going to be paying special attention to how I spend the 24 hours I am granted each day.

The days 'schedule' may vary from one day to the next but I just want to be more aware of how I spend my time.  My purpose is 4-fold:

1. I want to spend deliberate time exercising daily.  Not excessive - just intentional.
2. I want to spend deliberate time reading.
3. I want to spend deliberate time writing.
4. I want to deliberately spend less time mindlessly watching tv and/or surfing the net (Facebook/Pinterest).

The goal is not to feel deprived or unhappy - the goal is to use the time I am given in a more purposeful manner.  The goal is not to stop watching all tv or sitting in front of the computer -- the goal is to pay better attention to the time spent doing so. 

At this point there are certain "must do's" already planned into my day and those are as follows:

  6:00-8:00 AM      Awaken, Shower, Breakfast, arrive at work, begin workday
  2:15-3:15 PM       Lunch Break
  3:15 -  5:00 PM    Workday continues
  5:00 -  6:00 PM    Prepare dinner, serve dinner, eat dinner, clean up after dinner

  6:00 -  7:00 PM ...
  7:00 -  8:00 PM ...
  8:00 -  9:00 PM ...
  9:00 - 10:00 PM ...
10:00 - 11:00 PM ...

I feel those five hours above [6PM - 11PM] have been somewhat unaccounted for.  I do things, yes, but what?  I just feel I could spend my time so much better.  I could PLAN to walk, I could PLAN to read, I could PLAN to write, I could PLAN to watch tv on some nights but not on others (Tuesday night 'NCIS' is a must, Wednesday night 'Survivor' is a must -- some things will not change! ha).

So -- Deliberate Days during the month of May involves being more mindful of what I do between the hours of 6pm and 11pm. 

I'll keep you posted ...

Deliberately!  ;-)