*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hi ________, (Names withheld to protect the innocent - lol)
It was so nice to hear back from you!
I have to say right off that I am very sorry to hear that your friend, who is a pastor's wife, is contemplating her 2nd divorce. It is a very painful journey (as I'm sure she already knows having gone through it once before). I think that the tendency to fake appearances for the sake of the "call" (or the 'role') causes pastors and their wives to feel ashamed to admit difficulties in their relationship -- and, as a result, I think they are less likely to seek out counsel/support before it's too late.
Then again - is it ever too late? I don't know the answer to that one.
I suppose the inability to share relational shortcomings is pretty much a "self-imposed" plight; however, I do think church members unknowningly add to the pressure with unrealistic expectations. The pastor is a man - his wife is a woman. People. Plain and simple. Ordinary people who have spirtual gifts to offer but sometimes either they - or their church members - forget they are not 'above' the rest. I think it would be helpful to all if a pastor (and/or his wife, etc.) would climb down from the pedestal they are sometimes lifted to (or place themselves on) to allow others to see the human-ness of the man. Open dialogue is missing in our churches today ~ then again, I have no place to judge because I'm not even attending regularly.
Anywhoooo - ahhh yes. Divorce. As the youth of today would say: "It sucks". I know now why the Bible says God hates it. He hates how it hurts his children ... just like all parents hate it when their children suffer from any type of pain. It's a difficult subject for me to address because I can never make sense of how I feel about "things". It's a question of: "How do I express what I think on the subject without making it sound like I am not happily married to Chuck?
I guess I can just say directly that I am very happily married to Chuck. Nothing against "J" but ... I am now soooo much happier than when I was married the first time around. I think Chuck and I are a much better fit -- and maybe it has something to do with maturity, age, experience, personalities, upbringings, extended family, etc.
At any rate -- having said that I will share my thoughts on the topic of divorce.
On the one hand I wouldn't wish divorce on anyone. It is painful, crushing, and it leaves scars that are invisible. On the other hand - for me personally - though it was painful, crushing and left scars - divorcing was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.
If I had it to "do over" - would I have married "J" in the first place? I don't think I should have married "J" in hindsight (always 20/20). Then I stop and think about the fact that if we hadn't married ... I wouldn't have Kimberly, Daniel and Benjamin in my life today. Though I realize I would've had other kids and would've never known what I was missing ... the fact remains - I DO know THESE kids ... and I could never imagine any other kids. I don't want any other kids -- I want mine (ha). So yes, I guess I'd do it all again.
And ~ if we had had proper, timely, GOOD counseling (both pre and during) along with just sheer determination - I believe we could've made our marriage work and last and maybe even had a successful outcome. I didn't see that way back "then" - I just wanted out. Perhaps I see things more clearly now because I feel healthier and happier and have a whole new perspective on life. Maybe, if I stayed with "J", I'd be in an entirely different place and be miserable and still be looking through the sad eyes of that marriage?
I guess that's why we don't get "do-overs" -- and why "they" say not to look back over your shoulder ... because it obscurs the view of where you're now headed.
Anyway, I will be thinking of and praying for your friend. I hope she doesn't rush into something without being fully prepared and I definitely hope there's not another person who is trying to capture her heart. My guess is that, deep down, she's probably still in love with her first husband ... you really don't ever get over that relationship -- I don't care what anybody tries to tell you. There's always a love there ... always a caring. If you focus on the crappy times it's easier to let go but if you let your mind remember the good times there's always feeling for the person. Especially if you've been raised to believe that divorce is wrong, divorce is failure. When you believe that "what God has brought together no one should separate" ... you always feel a sense of guilt for not staying in that first marriage and doing things the "right" way.
I have had thoughts over the years, 'God forbid something happen to Chuck but - if it did - and there was a chance to put our original family back together -- would I want to?' "J" wouldn't want to but yes, there are times I would. With everything else I have said - I'm sure you wonder "why"? But - it all boils down to the kids.
If we had never had kids together then it'd be easier - I'm positive I would've moved on completely now ... never thinking back too much about "those days" except the occasional remembrance on a special anniversary or something?
But ... once children entered the picture? There is always a connection. The one thing I truly miss is knowing that the little children we started to raise together will never have their mom and dad together in the same house when we gather for holidays. That they will always feel that pull and tug trying to decide where to go, how to avoid hurting feelings if they have limited holiday time and have to figure out who to visit that year, etc. If for no other reason - I wish our "family unit" was in tact for them - for that reason.
The older I get - the "me" in this equation becomes less and less important. Again, I'm saying that from a place of feeling very secure, very at peace, very settled. I just can't look through the eyes of what might have been had I stayed with "J". I'm in a completely different place. I do remember "that" place was soooo miserable - indescribably so.
However, at this point my "feelings" and my "wants" seem so insignificant now that the kids are grown and growing. I wish I would have stuck it out for their sake.
Having said all of that - Chuck makes my world happy and content and peaceful feeling. I am exTREMELY fortunate that the kids have all bonded with him so well ~ he has been an awesome role model and the family we have created is special.
I guess there is something to that "beauty for ashes" thing! :-)
So there you have it ... my feelings about divorce. My "two cents worth" so to speak ... worth more like a penny or so! ;-)
I sureeeeeeeeeeeee hope your friend will take her time and thinks things through. The grass might be greener but you still need to mow it and ... there's always that "fertilizer"! (ha)
Take care -
Love,
Becky
P.S. My hubby just told me I could add the following disclaimer: "My name is Chuck and I approve of this message." He knows all of the above and is my biggest support, the love of my life, my best friend and the guy responsible for this big fat smile across my face!
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment