“It Takes Courage to Grow Up and Become Who You Really Are.”

 (E.E. Cummings)

When I was a little girl I had a few favorite books: ‘Charlotte’s Web’, any/all the ‘Little House on the Prairie’ books, ‘The Little’s, and a special paperback entitled, ‘The Velveteen Rabbit’ (also entitled ‘How Toys Become Real’). The latter is a children’s story written by Margery Williams, first published in 1922.

Who would have thought that this little story would have such a BIG impact on a woman turning 49 some ninety years later? Yet such IS the case!

If you’re not familiar (the following excerpted from Wikipedia): "The story chronicles a boy who receives a Velveteen Rabbit for Christmas. The Velveteen Rabbit is snubbed by other more expensive or mechanical toys, the latter of which fancy themselves real. One day while talking with the Skin Horse, the Rabbit learns that a toy becomes real if its owner really and truly loves it.” Okay, so I won’t translate the entire book here … but I will share the one passage that has stayed with me and taken on greater meaning with the passage of time. Picture the scene if you will: The Velveteen Rabbit is in the nursery having a conversation with another stuffed toy, the skin horse. They are discussing being “real”.

“What is REAL?" asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day... "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?" "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When [someone] loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become REAL." "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. "Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand... once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

Going into this my 49th year (shhh 'cause technically I just finished living my 49th year and I’m actually going into my 50th year … but let’s not push this age thing – if I’m carded [yeah, right] the law considers that I am still 49 for another 365 days so … that’s my story and I’m sticking to it), I have set my sights on being REAL. GENUINE. AUTHENTIC.

This past year I noticed this is still something I struggle with. While I have relaxed quite a bit (in comparison to days gone by) and do not worry “as much” what others think of me – it’s still something I … well, worry about. (ha)

Ironic.

I have made progress. There were “the days” when I worried that if I purchased a bottle of Martinelli a member of the church where my then husband was a pastor might pass my shopping cart and think I was trying to sneak some real wine on the side (yes, this always worried me). Later in life, when I was no longer married to the preacher, I still had trouble if I went to a Saturday evening service with Chuck and then was out and about on Sunday morning.  What if someone on their way to Sunday School drove past me going the opposite direction and thought I'd skipped church altogether (I know ... who cares? ... but, I did!). 

Worry. 
Worry. 

I worried TOO much about “appearances” and that verse about not becoming a stumbling block to others, abstaining from all appearance of evil, etc., etc. - actually became a stumbling block to me!  I never felt I could be real!

So here I sit – in front of a computer on July 15, 2012.

I have many different sides that make up who I am - all part of the same person but different depending on who I am around. I used to think that was a bad thing – hypocritical or deceptive or something – but I'm not so sure that is the case.  I think it's human nature to be more comfortable in certain settings (home and/or around close friends), more professional in settings (work, meetings) – but I think it’s important [well, it’s important to me anyway] to be true to myself so that, in turn, others know the real me.

To that end I will take this canvas of me and attempt to paint you a picture of who I am as I enter in to this, my 49th year.  :-)

• I am known as Rebecca to my co-workers and to many I have befriended since my move to Redding, CA. 
• I am still Becky to all of my family members, to my husband's family and some of his friends at the station, some of those whom I met when I first moved to Redding and pretty much any and every one who knew me prior to 1990.  
• One person in this world has called me his “Little Ladybug” for almost thirteen years and that makes me SMILE! 
• Three people in this world call me "Mom" and that makes me SMILE, too!
•  My dream when I was little was always and only to become a wife and a mom.
• I never had a goal to attend college let alone graduate. I have never been career minded. 
• I would be content to be a stay at home wife and mother. 
• I am PROUD of the years in between 1988 and 1998 when I stayed home on a full-time basis and put the best of me into three little lives.  It shows in them today and for that I am PROUD.  I'm fortunate, they are great people and they have been easy.  They are the best.  And, though I pass absolutely NO judgement on those who choose to work outside of the home, I am thrilled I was home with my three children during their very early years.  BEST. DECISION. EVER.  And I must add that I do appreciate that my first husband, their dad, supported this decision.  It is the best gift he ever gave me during our marriage.  There were a few times he actually referred to me from behind the pulpit and spoke highly of me to church members (though for church members it was never good enough). He spoke about how I took care of our children, how I stayed home with them and taught them and how proud that made him, how I kept up our home, etc.  In hindsight - when I reflect on some of the times he would refer to me positively from behind that pulpit - it forces me to remember that not all was negative during those 15 years of marriage. We did have some very nice times together. Those are the things I want to hold on to. The good times.  Every married couple (whether still together or now apart) shared good times.  Hold to those, reflect on those when sharing with your children, and I can guarantee you'll be better able to help your children live a happy, healthy life as they grow on in to adulthood.  On a recent trip north alone with my three children we were talking about "life" and how some things were the same and some things were different, etc., and during our conversation my kids said something about how I hadn't spoken negatively about their dad over the years since we divorced in 2000, and that made me happy.  This, to date, would be one of my greater accomplishments. 

 But ~ I digress.

• When I was a little girl I was VERY much in love with Jesus.
• I had a great childhood.
• I prayed and God answered.  No doubts about that.
• I married a man at the young age of 21.  He wanted to become a pastor. He did so.
• We had three children. My dream of being a wife and mom came true and I am very thankful for the blessings that came my way during those early years with them. 
• The marriage did not last and time has a way of moving one on even when life takes an unexpected turn.
• I hated being a pastor's wife - worst years of my life ever. (It had more to do with church members than it had to do with my husband at the time who was their pastor.) 
• The only good thing about that time in my life was having my three children.  Period.  For that reason and that reason alone (that I became a mom to three of the greatest human beings on this planet) I would not change the past.  Otherwise, I'd rewrite about 15 years of my life.

Again ~ I digress.

• I hated being a part of the pastorate (aka: the pastoral "ministry". Pffft - whatta joke!)  I realize "hate" is a strong word –  and it just so happens that, in this case, it’s not quite strong enough.
• I grew to hate the church, some (definitely not all) church members and, to this day, I maintain that I have been treated a thousand times better OUTSIDE church walls than I was ever treated within them. Sad but true. Having worked again at a secular job (outside of the church) for over twelve years now that remains the case in my experience.

But wow - complaining was NOT my intention today. Yes, a few individuals definitely screwed up the "church" experience for me for a lifetime so as far as me attending church in the future?  No, thank you very much! Never say never and I realize there are some wonderful people inside church walls but at this point I still say, No. Thank you very much.  It's not really personal - well, I take that back - it's not personal against you - it's personal for me. Not interested in being hurt again inside a church. 

Anyway, I write this today to say that, for a period of about 9 months, I fully, completely and totally rejected any and every thing having to do with the church. (I thought I was rejecting God but "He" doesn't give up that easily! My view of Him has changed quite a bit over the years but whatever "He" looks like and/or however this whole thing plays out - I still love the One who gave me life.)  Back to my story:  I rebelled, I lived my life the way I wanted to and I was damned if anybody was going to preach to me about my choices.

Thankfully at some point along that journey I realized it was not a road I really wanted to be on and I sought counseling through a professional Christian counselor. My feelings about Jesus had not changed and at that time time in life a Christian counselor was exactly what I needed. Through that particular counselor I learned a great deal – and what really stuck with me was when he told me that, most likely through the journey I was on, I had swung a great width on a pendulum in my life.  He made me realize that I had tried being the perfect Christian girl – following all the rules (no smoking, no drinking, no drugs, faithful wife, yada yada yada) – making in-laws, church members, etc., happy. 

And when that didn't appear to be enough I swung to the opposite side: I smoked (okay, it was a total of two cigarettes but still - very taboo for me), I drank a few times [turns out I prefer a simple can of non-alcoholic Arizona Raspberry Iced Tea – 78 cents at Winco! ha]. And yes, during what I refer to as my "Six months of Stupidity" at the end of my marriage, I dated a few idiots who also wanted nothing to do with God. (That whole fiasco was a disaster so I’ll spare you. Trust me, you’d thank me for doing so and you'd think less of me if I shared so - why would I do that to myself?  It's in the past - moving on.)

I never tried drugs and that remains the case today – absolutely no interest in that side of life whatsoever.

Anyway, my counselor at the time was correct - I swung pretty far right for the first 35 years of my life and then I swung pretty far left for a period of about 6-9 months.

Eventually, though, I came to a place where I was more in the middle as far as who I was.

This is not to be confused with sitting on the fence – but it does have to do with being far less black and white and realizing that, for me, I do have some grey areas (ha – more on that “book” about grey in a bit).

The grey areas mostly have to do with my acceptance of others.  I am not as conservative / judgmental as perhaps some in religious circles would deem appropriate and I’m not as liberal as those outside of religious circles would prefer. I have my own opinions about topics such as abortion, homosexuality, politics, etc., (and I keep them to myself unless you ask me and then I’m willing to share and hear your opinions).

I’m not one to try to draw you over to my “side” – and, quite frankly, I don’t pick sides so I prefer you not try to draw me over to yours. I am quite intelligent and, if presented with facts, can figure these things out for myself. 

I no longer need someone else to tell me what I think.

I’m not afraid to have an opinion and your opinion does not have to mirror mine for us to get along.

And you know - HONESTLY - I REALLY like where I’m at this stage of my life. I don’t attend church any more but the only thing I miss about that decision (and it was/is a conscious decision) are some of the true friends from some of the churches I have attended and I miss the music ... I do miss the music terribly!

My beliefs about God, the Bible, church, Heaven, hell … they have – hmmm, how to say it – I don’t know that "changed" is the right word but to say they have “evolved” would just piss some people off (ha) … but hold it – I’m not worrying about what you – the reader – think now, am I? Isn’t that the whole point here?

Sorry, I guess I haven’t actually GOTTEN to my point.

My point is – I want to be real:

• I like some Christian music.
• I like some rock music. 
• I like books like “The Velveteen Rabbit” and I like books like, “50 Shades of Grey”.  

If I had a day to do WHATEVER I wanted I would:

• Be with my husband and my three kids doing something/anything.

My favorite hobbies include:

• Reading
• Writing poetry
• Dreaming about my future award winning novel
• Sitting down near a great sound system, putting the two speakers on either side(s) of my head and blasting my favorite tunes in my ears. That might include Phillips Craig and Dean, The Gaither Vocal Band, The Imperials, First Call, Second Chapter of Acts, Hall & Oates, ELO, The Eagles, Kansas, Little Big Town, Lady Antebellum, Jason Aldean, or Foreigner – just to name a few!
• Making lists.  I can make a list about anything and everything and I never have enough steno notepads and thin, black sharpie markers within reach!

In addition:

• I have a strong desire to develop more authentic friendships with other women this year.  
• I’d like things to be more peaceful between myself and my ex. 
• I’d like to make exercise a part of my daily routine.  
• I’d like to be more disciplined avoiding Starbuck’s on my way in to work (fat chance – pun intended). 
• I’d like to continue following a budget (saving money at the gas pump and grocery store has become a game and I love the game). 

In short I want to:

• BE REAL.

As Raymond Hull once said, “He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.”

It does take courage to grow up and become who you really are. Thanks E.E. Cummings because truer words were never spoken!

Entering into this, my forty-ninth year, I am:

• Blessed to have my beloved husband in my life
• Blessed to have my three precious children in my life
• Blessed to have my parents and brothers and their families in my life
• Blessed to have my special friends from past and present in my life

Though the fact that I'm turning 49 does sound a little mind boggling, I'm okay with that ... and by the time July 15, 2013 rolls around I’m hoping to be ...

FIT and FEISTY for FIFTY (and I definitely have "Shades of Grey" of my own on top of my head)!

Have a GREAT day EVERYONE!

With Love,

Becky, Rebecca, YOUR Little Ladybug, Mom, Daughter, Sister, Friend

… me …