How I Really Feel About Divorce ...

This is an e-mail I sent to a friend of mine in response to learning her friend (also a former pastor's wife) is contemplating divorce ... for the second time.  :-(  (sigh)

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Hi ________,   (Names withheld to protect the innocent - lol)

It was so nice to hear back from you!

I have to say right off that I am very sorry to hear that your friend, who is a pastor's wife, is contemplating her 2nd divorce.  It is a very painful journey (as I'm sure she already knows having gone through it once before). I think that the tendency to fake appearances for the sake of the "call" (or the 'role') causes pastors and their wives to feel ashamed to admit difficulties in their relationship -- and, as a result, I think they are less likely to seek out counsel/support before it's too late.

Then again - is it ever too late? I don't know the answer to that one.

I suppose the inability to share relational shortcomings is pretty much a "self-imposed" plight; however, I do think church members unknowningly add to the pressure with unrealistic expectations. The pastor is a man - his wife is a woman. People. Plain and simple. Ordinary people who have spirtual gifts to offer but sometimes either they - or their church members - forget they are not 'above' the rest. I think it would be helpful to all if a pastor (and/or his wife, etc.) would climb down from the pedestal they are sometimes lifted to (or place themselves on) to allow others to see the human-ness of the man. Open dialogue is missing in our churches today ~ then again, I have no place to judge because I'm not even attending regularly.

Anywhoooo - ahhh yes. Divorce. As the youth of today would say:  "It sucks". I know now why the Bible says God hates it. He hates how it hurts his children ... just like all parents hate it when their children suffer from any type of pain. It's a difficult subject for me to address because I can never make sense of how I feel about "things". It's a question of: "How do I express what I think on the subject without making it sound like I am not happily married to Chuck?

I guess I can just say directly that I am very happily married to Chuck. Nothing against "J" but ... I am now soooo much happier than when I was married the first time around.  I think Chuck and I are a much better fit -- and maybe it has something to do with maturity, age, experience, personalities, upbringings, extended family, etc.

At any rate -- having said that I will share my thoughts on the topic of divorce.

On the one hand I wouldn't wish divorce on anyone. It is painful, crushing, and it leaves scars that are invisible. On the other hand - for me personally - though it was painful, crushing and left scars - divorcing was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.

If I had it to "do over" - would I have married "J" in the first place? I don't think I should have married "J" in hindsight (always 20/20). Then I stop and think about the fact that if we hadn't married ... I wouldn't have Kimberly, Daniel and Benjamin in my life today. Though I realize I would've had other kids and would've never known what I was missing ... the fact remains - I DO know THESE kids ... and I could never imagine any other kids. I don't want any other kids -- I want mine (ha). So yes, I guess I'd do it all again.

And ~ if we had had proper, timely, GOOD counseling (both pre and during) along with just sheer determination - I believe we could've made our marriage work and last and maybe even had a successful outcome. I didn't see that way back "then" - I just wanted out. Perhaps I see things more clearly now because I feel healthier and happier and have a whole new perspective on life. Maybe, if I stayed with "J", I'd be in an entirely different place and be miserable and still be looking through the sad eyes of that marriage?

I guess that's why we don't get "do-overs" -- and why "they" say not to look back over your shoulder ... because it obscurs the view of where you're now headed.

Anyway, I will be thinking of and praying for your friend. I hope she doesn't rush into something without being fully prepared and I definitely hope there's not another person who is trying to capture her heart. My guess is that, deep down, she's probably still in love with her first husband ... you really don't ever get over that relationship -- I don't care what anybody tries to tell you. There's always a love there ... always a caring. If you focus on the crappy times it's easier to let go but if you let your mind remember the good times there's always feeling for the person. Especially if you've been raised to believe that divorce is wrong, divorce is failure. When you believe that "what God has brought together no one should separate" ... you always feel a sense of guilt for not staying in that first marriage and doing things the "right" way.

I have had thoughts over the years, 'God forbid something happen to Chuck but - if it did - and there was a chance to put our original family back together -- would I want to?' "J" wouldn't want to but yes, there are times I would. With everything else I have said - I'm sure you wonder "why"? But - it all boils down to the kids.

If we had never had kids together then it'd be easier - I'm positive I would've moved on completely now ... never thinking back too much about "those days" except the occasional remembrance on a special anniversary or something? 

But ... once children entered the picture? There is always a connection.  The one thing I truly miss is knowing that the little children we started to raise together will never have their mom and dad together in the same house when we gather for holidays. That they will always feel that pull and tug trying to decide where to go, how to avoid hurting feelings if they have limited holiday time and have to figure out who to visit that year, etc. If for no other reason - I wish our "family unit" was in tact for them - for that reason.

The older I get - the "me" in this equation becomes less and less important. Again, I'm saying that from a place of feeling very secure, very at peace, very settled. I just can't look through the eyes of what might have been had I stayed with "J".  I'm in a completely different place.  I do remember "that" place was soooo miserable - indescribably so. 

However, at this point my "feelings" and my "wants" seem so insignificant now that the kids are grown and growing. I wish I would have stuck it out for their sake.

Having said all of that - Chuck makes my world happy and content and peaceful feeling. I am exTREMELY fortunate that the kids have all bonded with him so well ~ he has been an awesome role model and the family we have created is special.

I guess there is something to that "beauty for ashes" thing! :-)

So there you have it ... my feelings about divorce.  My "two cents worth" so to speak ... worth more like a penny or so!  ;-) 

I sureeeeeeeeeeeee hope your friend will take her time and thinks things through. The grass might be greener but you still need to mow it and ... there's always that "fertilizer"! (ha)

Take care -


Love,


Becky

P.S.   My hubby just told me I could add the following disclaimer:  "My name is Chuck and I approve of this message."   He knows all of the above and is my biggest support, the love of my life, my best friend and the guy responsible for this big fat smile across my face!

Hmmm ~

Okay - admittedly this post may be offensive to some and I'm sorry but I just have to give my 2 cents worth here.

According to a recent article I read, the above "bangle" is inspired by our President - who, I might add, I voted for.  Note the 3 numbers in between the "4's" ... [I know, I know - I'm reading too much into this but ... ]

I'm sorry ... it's just kinda' creepy to me! 

I do have a better understanding where this sequence of numbers came from after reading an article online (excerpt to follow).  These 5 numbers were assigned to Nelson Mandella *see below* but just for the record ...

I'm STILL going to wear bangs and COVER my forehead from now on!  (ha)

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The five-digit number was assigned to Mandela during his nearly three decades of imprisonment for anti-Apartheid activism, which he has since embraced and transformed into a numerical symbol for perseverance and faith that hard work and compassion will support all our efforts in building a brighter and fairer world.



Says (Morgan) Freeman of his metallic adornment:


"It's 46664. Those were his numbers. Inscribed on his prison bracelet. I wear it all the time. It is a reminder that one person can indeed make a significant impact on the world."


The manufacture of these pieces, available in copper, silver, gold, and platinum, provides job training, skill development, and employment where they are so badly needed. And proceeds from the sales are dedicated to support education and outreach undertaken by the 46664 Campaign in the ongoing fight against HIV/AIDS.
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That's all for now but - I just had to comment!

Bring Back My Aerobics Class ....

So - this morning I stepped on the scale and I am at 172.2 pounds -- a total loss of just about 55 pounds.  Yes, I'm smiling.

In actuality though I have to admit ... THIS is the weight that had been my "highest weight" for "forever" ... so I sort of feel like the 55 pounds I've lost over the past (almost) 4 mos. was excess and now that THAT is gone I can actually BEGIN losing weight!  (ha)

Not sure if that makes ANY SENSE whatsoever ... it made sense in my head but ... on paper?  Not so much.  ;-)

Oh well -- I do feel a lot better having 55 pounds OFF of my body.  I look soooo forward to the next 40-50 being gone.  This is probably a "repeat" but I simply cannot imagine how much better life is going to feel - physically and emotionally - when these pounds are behind me (instead of on "me behind").  lol

Next Wednesday it will be 4 mos. since my surgery -- and I do feel it was a good choice.  A few weeks ago I wasn't so sure but - those "temporary" setbacks can't detour me from the ultimate goal.  I know I made the right decision to have the Roux en Y -- I knew it before and I know it now ... especially since it is working so well and - though I have a ways to go - I feel sooo much healthier and happier already.

I'm learning a lot in the process ... learning about fluid intake (how NECESSARY this is - you cannot underestimate the importance of being and staying properly hydrated ... for many reasons) - how important it is to chew e-v-e-r-y b-i-t-e  SLOWLY! 

I have yet to incorporate daily exercise into my routine.  :-(   I miss my aerobics classes at the old Lady Nautilus -- I LOVED going there on a daily basis.  The class was fun, I met great people there, and it felt "simple" to take care of myself physically.  Exercise was never a chore and I never "dreaded" getting fit ...

These days the thought of "walking" bores the heck out of me ... it really is something I do not enjoy.  Not only do I not like to be out by myself anywhere ... but even if I'm walking with somebody I am walking and waiting for it to be over.  (ha)

What to do?  What to do?  I don't want to pay for a gym membership - but maybe I need to check online for a good aerobics and/or step workout DVD?  Even if I go with an "oldie but goody" - if I can find something with the grapevines I sooo miss -- maybe I could get back into the swing of things again and find exercise something I enjoy and anticipate instead of avoid and dread.

Anywhooo - that's all for now ... but, as always, I'll keep you ...

POSTED.  :-)

Smooth(ie) Sailing Ahead ... :-)

Last night I ended up in a "friendly discussion" (ha – that’s the politically correct way to put it) with my boys about cleaning up the dinner dishes daily.

It's kind of a long story but the "gist" of it is that that the boys are responsible for alternating kitchen clean-up "duty" on weeknights. They can clean together, they can split the nights - however they want to do it ... but when I cook a meal - they help by cleaning the kitchen after dinner.  Chuck and I do the dishes on the weekends.  EVERY member of the family takes their plate to the sink, rinses it off, puts it in the dishwasher, etc. -- so really -- all that's left are any pots/pans/preparation bowls, etc. Not a big deal - piece of cake, right??

However, lately I have had to remind them every week night to pitch in and help. Every night. So - last night I figured … enough. Forget this.


I waited one hour for them to get in there and clean ... I didn't say a word about it.  Then I went in and cleaned up the kitchen. At about 8:00 pm (like clock work) they were ready to "raid" the kitchen ... wanted to make some smoothies, etc. I said, "Excuse me ... what are you doing?" They told me they were going to make smoothies.

I said, "Sorry - the kitchen is closed for the evening."


"HUH? What??  Why???"


I told them that I was done reminding them to help.  They are "forgetting" to take their sheets off the bed on Saturdays to do that laundry (which they are responsible for), "forgetting" to clean their bathroom on a weekly basis and now ??  "forgetting" to do the dishes during the week night.  Hmmm??

If I am doing all the shopping/cooking/cleaning for meal preparation then once I'm done the kitchen will be closed for the night!   (Since they are notorious evening grazers - this might be the ticket to help "remind" them!)  ;-)


"Huh - you never said that before? You should TELL us first."

I said, "Tell you what? Tell you to clean the kitchen? Tell you to take your turns and help? Like you don't KNOW this?? It's been the rule for soooo long - and I keep having to remind you?  Don't think so -- I'm done with that."


They went into their little schpeal (humorous as it was!) about how they should've been told the "consequence" before I carry it out. Now - mind you - that's what I think most times too ... IF they don't know what's expected of them ahead of time. For this though I said - "Nope. That one won't work on me. You KNOW what is expected and I'm tired of reminding you. The consequence is what I doled out and next time it might be the same consequence - or it might be a different consequence in addition to this consequence. You won't know - (so you'd better hide those computers and tv remotes! ha) - because all you need to know is you have to do your part. If you don't - you'll find out what the consequence is when I decide what I'm dolin' out for that day!"


(Then - inside myself I said, "So there" - and imagined myself sticking my tongue out at both of them!  And I felt better.) 

And then -- I went to the kitchen and made a SMOOTHIE ... for ME!  (HA - just kidding!)

Ode to Jose

HAHA - and one last thing ...

When I left work today, two girls from the urologist's office next door were on a smoke break.  I said goodbye to them and as I turned to head toward my car, one of the girls called out behind me, "Dr. Niazi will be analyzing Jose for you!"

Turns out they NAMED the 8-9mm ... (now don't I feel special?)!  LOL

Free At Last!

THANK GOD ALMIGHTY! 

Okay - so my "archives" aren't national ... but -- you get the point!  ;-)

I passed two stones this morning - according to a callback this afternoon from the urologist's office next door ~ one measured 8-9mm, the other 2mm.  Passing them was not an issue but I guess "enroute" those suckers have an attitude.  Yesterday afternoon was NOT one for the memory book ... I felt sooo uncomfortable.  I will say that, when I "delivered" the stones to the urologist next door the gal at the front desk said (and I'm sorry, I will quote her exactly ... inserting asterisks to ease the blow of her verbage):   "Holy F**k girl ... did you PASS those yourself?"  (NOTE:  There were no patients in their waiting room - ha!)

I would've loved to have been able to say, "No, I got somebody to pass them FOR me!"  [HA!  And how I wish THAT were the case!]

Instead I told her that yes, I had passed them.  "Ummm - yes, I did.  I thought I'd share my joy!  And 'passing them' was a total breeze - I didn't even know they came out until I looked in the toilet ... which has been my daily ritual of late!  It was the part leading up to actually getting into the bathroom .... and these past few days ... namely yesterday ... that SUCKED!" 

She said I should've been in the hospital.  [Oh thanks chickie - NOWWWW she tells me??!] 

Do these things - or can these things GROW?  Last I heard the largest was 4mm ... and yet the larger of the two stones I passed this morning was almost 9mm?  I wish I took a pic with my camera phone before I took them to the urologist office as instructed for him to analyze.  I sincerely hope to never have to go through this again.  It truly has been the worst/most painful experience in my almost 47 years on this earth.  I swear - as God is my witness - I am going to DRINK more water than He expected Moses to PART!  Seriously! 

I have had to wear Depends for the past few days and, in fact, had just gotten back from taking a break and going to Walgreen's to buy another package of those things.  They helped to ease some stress though because it got to a point where I couldn't tell if the painful urge to go to the bathroom was just an "urge" or if I really had to go (TMI - sorry - I know).  If I waited too long thinking it was just the stone irritating again ... and not for "reals" ... well ... you get the Depends.

OK -- enough of all that now.  I don't intend to continue to belabor the point about kidney stones any longer ... and I do thank you for your patience, readers!  :-)

However, I DID want to share my joy:  TWO ARE GONE and I am hopeful that the second doctor was incorrect ... maybe there were just two and not three.  If that is the case - the worst is behind me and now it's full-speed ahead with weight loss.  I hope to never address the stones topic again!  :-)

Have a great day and, as always, I'll keep you posted ... eventually.  :-)

Great Article on Kidney Stones (Hopefully You'll Never Need This Information!) ;-)

How to Survive Kidney Stones

Tips for Passing a Stone, Causes and Kidney Stone Prevention

(Apr 10, 2009 Tricia Spencer)

Passing a kidney stone is one of the most painful of all human experiences. It helps to identify the causes, apply natural treatments and employ prevention techniques.

There is no way to describe the passing of a kidney stone except to label it excruciating. The size of the stone and the overall physical health of an individual play a role in how manageable the process of stone elimination will be, but the one truth that applies to every person suffering with a kidney stone is that the urine is out of balance.

Kidney Stones Causes

A kidney stone forms when the water, salts, minerals and other substances in the urine become unbalanced. Factors that may influence the imbalance include:

• Medical conditions such as gout, inflammatory bowel disease, a malfunctioning of the parathyroid glands or gastric bypass
• Dehydration
• Over consumption of certain foods
• Medications like furosemide (Lasix), topiramate (Topamax) or indinavir (Crixivan)
• Obesity
• High blood pressure

 Failure to drink enough water can cause a build-up of stone-forming substances in the kidneys. Though other factors bear some responsibility, the lack of sufficient water is the most prevalent culprit in creating an environment for stone formation. It is also the easiest problem to rectify.

  

Passing Kidney Stones with Natural Treatment and Relief

Passing a kidney stone is painful but not customarily difficult. Unless the stone is larger than a quarter inch (5 mm) in size, it should pass within a few days. Stones larger than a quarter inch may require surgical removal.

The pain that begins in the back flank, behind whichever kidney is affected, will intensify in waves as the stone makes its way down the ureter tube that connects the kidney to the bladder. Doctors will prescribe pain medication for the duration of the cycle until the stone is passed. But there are also alternative options for relief from the extreme discomfort. They include:

  

• Soaking in a hot bath or hot tub
• Application of natural Arnica pain patches
• Sitting with a tennis ball pressed against the painful area of the back
• Flushing the body with up to three liters of water a day
• Meditation and imagery
• Listening to music through headphones
• Yoga
• Exercise
• Foot reflexology

While no single therapy may completely eliminate the pain of passing a kidney stone, the utilization of several different alternative methods can make surviving the process less traumatic.

Kidney Stone Prevention

People who have suffered one kidney stone can be as much as eighty percent more likely to suffer a recurrence within the next ten years. Simple steps can help delay or even prevent another occurrence. The most important ones include:

  

• Drinking at least ten, and up to fourteen, 8 oz glasses of water a day
• Adding two or three glasses of orange juice or lemonade to the daily diet
• Taking a magnesium supplement
• Moderating the intake of salt, red meat and foods that are high in oxalates
• Maintaining a healthy body weight

 As in all disease prevention, leading a healthy lifestyle is the best defense against kidney stones.

  

The Future of Kidney Stones

In 2008, the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center released the findings of a study that suggested global warming would likely cause an increase in the proportion of population affected by kidney stones. Hot, arid conditions create a greater possibility of dehydration throughout the day. The geographic southwestern United States is known as the “kidney-stone belt” because of a higher than normal rate of kidney stones per capita. As the planet warms, that area is expected to expand.

Those between the ages of twenty and seventy will benefit from prevention vigilance. Accepting responsibility for lifestyle changes that incorporate kidney stone prevention techniques can go a long way toward remaining kidney stone free.

Read more at Suite101: How to Survive Kidney Stones: Tips for Passing a Stone, Causes and Kidney Stone Prevention http://naturalmedicine.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_to_survive_kidney_stones#ixzz0h3PNOF2C