... In God We Trust

Rebecca got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...

... that doubt is the greatest gift, - it's the space between two certainties.

Any change on its way from one place of stability to the next one, passes through a period of doubt.

Your old perspective has to disintegrate, and doubt comes in for a visit - even if only for a moment, before the new perspective takes root.

Doubt is your greatest gift, because from doubt you can go anywhere.

"If you can't say something nice ... "

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5Bbt9extsg

... in short: I have sooo many friends that are not believers as Christians define "belief". So many good people. These friends show no interest in changing their faith, they believe they have the answers they need. For them to betray their faith would be like asking Billy Graham to betray his Christianity.

Who is to say either of them are wrong?



I know, I know ... The Bible.

Well, I'll tell you my problem with this thinking these days:



I know people who call themselves "Christians" and they are horrible people. I know a "Christian" who hurt my child and people like that think that, because they prayed the right prayer and asked Jesus into their heart "once upon a time" that makes it "okay" ... forgive and move on, right? They get the "Get Out of Jail Free" card that they can turn in when they reach the Pearly Gates and I feel guilty for not forgiving in the name of Jesus.

I have my past, too. I made mistakes along the way and wouldn't deserve the 'Get Out of Jail Free' card if my actions were held up before God during the end of my first marriage. I'm not saying I'm better than anybody else. But - there ARE people who have done better than I have on this journey and what? Because they weren't raised to pray that sinner's prayer they are forever condemned if they don't pray now because it's not something they have been raised to believe is real?

I'd like to know what makes some sinners okay but yet a person with a much more honest, ethical living is condemned to hell because they didn't say the right prayer?


One prayer?

There are verses galore to tell me why I'm wrong, why a ticket to Heaven isn't about good works "lest any man should boast" - and personally - I should be thrilled that it's not about good works because I fall so short. But at this point in my life I just don't think that what I've been taught is right any more. At least not in its entirety.

I'm not sure what I believe about Heaven or Hell or Jesus or the Bible. I know there's something much Bigger out there than me - than all of us ... but who can say for certain Who that is?

We all think we're right ... even the people who don't read the Holy Bible. They read the Book of Mormon or something else ... they have devoted their lives to service. They sacrifice, they give, they love, they help. Why are Christians the only ones who are safe?

I don't know.


I know senior citizens who are wonderful people ... I do not believe they are condemned to hell because they didn't pray the right prayer in their younger years.

I know people who have given all their possessions away because they have seen others in need but ... they don't pray to Jesus.

How in the world can they be condemned to hell? But a person that prays the last minute on a cross gets in? For real??

I sincerely hope it's not true.

I know there have been times in my life that I have sincerely, urgently, eagerly, fervently cried out to God. I've asked Him for help. I've waited - at times so patiently it's ridiculous.

Looking back? He didn't help my family when my kids were little. He didn't help my first husband when he sincerely tried to do right by our church members and no matter what - it wasn't good enough ~ a few of those church members made it their mission to beat him down and run him out. I hated that time in my life -- I hated church and a few of the individuals that attended. I cannot imagine they would have a right to occupy Heaven while another who lived a highly moral life but didn't pray "the prayer" was denied a right to occupy Heaven. I don't believe God protected my child when molestation was going on without our knowledge. I had a gut feeling about certain situations - that something wasn't right ... but I was told I was too overprotective, that I didn't have enough faith. "Let go - Let God."

Bull shit. I should've followed my gut and not listened to in-laws or church members that said I needed to entrust my kids into other's care ... I should have listened to me!

If God really cared so much about a sparrow ... ?

?

I can accept that ultimately His ways are better than mine and that I don't deserve salvation or Heaven any more than the next sinner.



But there are people who really deserve Heaven more than some frauds calling themselves Christians who, quite frankly, don't deserve to get in.


Am I bitter? I guess so. It sure sounds like it when I read this over. I just get so tired of people who are nasty, hateful, mean, hurtful, even evil - hiding in church pews or church choirs, or Sunday School classes, or church nursery's, or Christian School Day Care Centers ... and they have hidden agendas but ... they prayed the right prayer so .... it's covered.

I can't accept that.



Why doesn't God fix this? It's an age old question ... I know. "Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?" Innocent children especially!




I want to be a patient follower. But I just don't even HEAR Him when I call on Him.

Do you?

I mean REALLY??!




I'm not singling anybody out here but if you are reading this blog right now and you consider yourself a Christian -- if you believe in God - if you have accepted Jesus ... do you sincerly have that daily, close fellowship and relationship with Him? Or do you not and you just act like you do because everybody else acts like that?

It seems like a biblical version of, "The Emperor's New Clothes" sometimes. I'm not saying that God is not real .... but I am beginning to conclude that I don't know Him very well.

I want to.

If I could hear Him for myself. If I could REALLY HEAR HIM. If He would just say to me, "Be still and know that I am God" - and I wouldn't have to just read those words from a Bible translated thousands of years ago.

I want to hear from the Almighty today - well, I'm not demanding today - I'm not trying to demand any day. And I don't want to be struck by lightning for questioning ... it's a little scary to put myself out there. But honestly --

I want to hear something current. I want that peace that passeth all understanding.



Heck, I'd just like some understanding right now.

I listen to both Air 1 Radio and K-Love radio. The hosts of those shows SOUND like they have a real relationship with God. But do they? Are they just playing the part because it's part of the job description?

I want to hear from God, be assured that it's Him and build a relationship with Him. I want that more than anything else right now.


I'll keep you posted ~

... of walking and Winnebago's (Part V)

So here’s the thing ... there’s a lot of GOOD stuff in the Bible when you decide to read it for yourself, by yourself.

[Don’t get me wrong – I have nothing at all against the idea of getting together with others but – it’s a lot better when you read and then listen for God to speak instead of just listening to that the lady seated next to you in the circle with the cookie in her hand (that she says she shouldn’t be eating) and a bible opened on her lap.]

These ramblings are just that: My ramblings. This is 100% my journey and I can assure you – not everything will be theologically sound/accurate at all times. It’s okay … I’m working on it. Simply stated: This blog is an indicator of where I am at this point in my life. A way for me to work out some of my questions about God, a way to talk about my weight loss journey, etc. I do my best “thinking” when I have a pen in my hand or a keyboard at my fingertips.

Please – I would implore you - don’t use anybody else’s journey as an excuse to bypass your own. (That would be like asking someone to put on their running shoes and do your daily exercise for you ~ it doesn’t work that way. And it won’t show up on your scale as pounds lost. You’ve got to do the work[out] yourself.)

Moving on ~ to be certain I wasn’t totally butchering the “Doubting Thomas” story last time around – I looked it up and read it once again.

Here’s the story from the NIV version of the Bible:

19 On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you!"
20 After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord.
21 Again Jesus said, "Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you."
22 And with that he breathed on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit.
23 If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven."

24 Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came.
25 So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord!" But he said to them, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it."
26 A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you!"
27 Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe."
28 Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!"
29 Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."


Okay - here's the deal: I get you Thomas. I toootally hear where you’re coming from. And personally … I’m not so sure that Thomas’ issue had so much to do with the fact that he didn’t believe what the other disciples had told him. I think it had more to do with the fact that Thomas wanted to see Jesus for himself ~ and not just take his friends’ word for it. (That's the way I'm reading it anyway).

And ... THAT is where I am coming from here.

Seriously ~ read that passage from the bible yourself (if you don't have one I'll loan you mine ... for a couple minutes - ha). I found it interesting that, when Jesus appeared to his disciples the first time He stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” ... WHAT was the first thing the Bible says He did after that?

20After He said this, He showed them His hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord.

Hmmm – look how the King James Version translates this:

19 Then the same day at evening, being the first day of the week, when the doors were shut where the disciples were assembled for fear of the Jews, came Jesus and stood in the midst, and saith unto them, Peace be unto you.
20 And when he had so said, he shewed unto them his hands and his side. Then were the disciples glad, when they saw the LORD.

I think He confirmed what they needed without them having to ask because He knew they were wondering.
I’m sure this isn’t some new revelation to Bible scholars – but it’s new to me.

I’ve always felt like Thomas was kinda’ the “loser disciple” – the skeptical, doubting, wannabe disciple who had to have “proof” (while the others had super strength faith and were full of conviction and assurance when their friend Jesus walked through ... the wall!)

Why do you think Jesus took the initiative to show them His scars? The way I read this, I think it almost seems that Jesus knew that His disciples would need “proof.” I think He realized these brothers were wondering if He was the real deal (after all – it’s not everyday your dead friend walks through the wall to say, “Hey!”). Before they even asked Him to do so – He offered his hands and side as proof that the scars were real and that He was, indeed, their dear friend Jesus.

Thomas catches a lot of flack from the pulpit for being a doubter but … I don’t think he was alone in his feelings. I just think the others were afraid to admit it.

This reminds me of my first semester back in college after a 20+ year “break” (ha)! You see, I have always been allergic to “math” – seriously. That course is pretty much the reason I never finished the first time around – math intimidation. I decided I was going to face it head on in the Fall of 2007 so I had my transcripts forwarded to the community college in my hometown and then …

I signed up for a class lovingly referred to by incoming college freshman as “bonehead math.” Right up my alley -- I needed the most basic of the basics.

The first day in class I did what I do – I observed.

I sat in the middle of the room (not the front row or the back row - right in the middle) … and I listened, I observed. As that first week went on I realized – NOBODY – was asking questions.

Uh oh. I had questions – was I this far behind? Am I totally screwed? What is the last day to drop the class and get a full refund?

Finally – when the second week rolled around I decided – forget this. I paid for the units to take this class, I paid (way too much) for my text book … I’m going to get my money’s worth. I raised my hand. The teacher called on me.

I hate that feeling of having “all eyes” on me. But – what the heck … it was my turn to ask a question and I did. I started by apologizing for asking something "that probably everybody already knows” … and then …. I posed my question to the instructor. Phew - I survived! :-)

Do you know what? Instead of answering my question – the instructor turned to the rest of the class and said, "If anyone knows the answer to her question please -- speak up."

Nobody responded!

Now I’m sure SOMEBODY besides our instructor knew the right answer and they were just too humble or shy to speak up but … he was making a point for my benefit.

He said to me, “Never apologize for asking a question. There are no stupid questions AND what I’ve learned from my many years in teaching is that if one student asks a question there are usually several other students who have the same question but don't want to raise their hand.”

THAT was a good life lesson for me! An "aha" moment, if you will. And – after that day – others raised their hands. They asked questions that I had and he answered them for all of us. It was GREAT.

I think Thomas was the first person in the class who wasn’t afraid to raise his hand. The others were fortunate too. For the other guys Jesus gave them a break and answered the question before they had to ask … (He already knew they had doubts – otherwise … why would he have shown them his hands and side? Did he think the scars looked cool? I think not.)

Anywhooo - I don't think this journey has to be traveled 100% alone ... (in fact – the bible says, “Forsake not the assembling of yourselves together). But on this journey, since the path is narrow we should probably walk in single file for a while. HA

And there’s no talking yet – we are listening for the directions to the top of this mountain from God himself. Focus. No distractions. I think what I am already learning on this journey is that I have to be honest and openly address my questions, my doubts, my struggles with my "religion" and, again, the key will be listening to God. I'm not sure I've ever really known how to do that. I have collected my directional maps from others who, if truth be told, are probably just as lost as me at times but not willing to admit it for fear they will be "ostracized" and/or "judged" by fellow Christians.

To be continued ...

... of walking and Winnebago's - Part IV

So I have made my decision. I am moving forward up this mountain on my own. It's a narrow road, yes, but I have been told there are a few "turn outs" up further on the path. If I want there will be a point at which I can turn back but ... why would I choose to do that?

I hope I don't chicken out at any point along the way because I sincerely believe the ultimate destination will be well worth the journey.

All metaphors aside ~ this is the time in life that I want to find and intimately get to know ... GOD.

Who is God? Are Jesus and God truly one and the same? Is Jesus God's Son and ultimately the only way to get to Heaven after this life?

This is what I've always been taught. To believe otherwise is blasphemy - a denial of Jesus' diety. A ticket to the place "downstairs."

But this is the place where my rubber and road have hit. I have questions. I don't believe God is afraid of questions and I do believe God - and only God - has the answers I'm seeking. I can ask others, I can read books, I can sit in a pew. I can hear the opinions of people eager to introduce me to God as they know Him. And - I'm open to this.

However, I believe that ultimately, only God will be able to reveal Himself to me and when He does - I need to trust Him. First I need to trust that it is Him speaking to me and second - I need to take Him at His Word once I'm sure it's Him talking.

Given those two steps it will be key that I listen. I wrote a song once ~ actually it was more of a "chorus" ~ and the verses have always been difficult for me to complete. I'd play the music for you here but...ummm, haven't figured out how to make that feature work yet. We'll stick with the lyrics for now:

"In a Still Small Voice I heard you calling me.

In a Still Small Voice I heard you say,

"My child you're not alone I'm here to guide you

Do not search anymore I am right beside you

In a Still Small Voice You spoke my name."

That song was the beginning of my quest to find God ~ because I really don't think I came up with the lyrics on my own. I think that was a "God" thing. I figured it was time I got to know the Author of that chorus a bit better.

[The path is narrowing here. Do I want to take the turn-out ahead? No, I choose to continue moving forward ... ]

I was raised to believe that the Baptist church pretty much held the patent on how to find God. Other religions were either cults in disguise or poor, misguided, well meaning souls who had no clue of the real truth. (NOTE: Monday night and Saturday visitation was the Baptist way of setting them straight ... if you were lucky enough to get a word in before the door was slammed on your face.)

If one wanted to be a "real" Christian - there were certain rules (spoken and un-) that dictated spirituality and you were judged on the basis of how well you adhered to those rules. There were things such as outward appearance (hair, clothing, hygiene), habits (smoking, drinking), how you talked (profanity), the people/groups you associated with, whether or not your church attendance was "faithful" and consistent.

I can remember all too well the mood when somebody walked into "our church" on a Sunday morning that didn't quite 'measure up' to the spiritual standards. There was almost a 'gasp' if a woman walked in wearing jeans, or a guy walked in with long hair and/or a beard. It was all so discriminating and pious. Even as a kid I felt this. There was a single mother that began attending regularly when I was in 3rd or 4th grade. She would have been a welfare recipient I suppose and her kids were somewhat disheveled. The oldest daughter tried hard to fit in - to look pretty, to put on a little make-up, to clean up well. You could tell she "got" the criteria for fitting in here and as a young teen she really wanted to make the cut. The youngest - a red headed boy - was a bit more mischievous. He liked to move around, get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the service (ooops, you definitely lost points with that move!) but all in all he was just a "rambunctious boy" by today's standards. But the middle daughter? Wow - she was marked and labeled.

Earlene.

Poor Earlene. We "all" knew about Earlene. I can't even count the number of times that girl was in trouble, accused of whatever "crime" had been committed. (Somebody once smeared feces on a bathroom stall...the "guilty party" had to be Earlene.) I remember one time in 4th grade our teacher had us take a $100,000 Dollar Bar and set it on the desk and then we would go out to recess. When she returned she'd be alone in the room. Everybody was in on this little "experiment" - everybody that is, but Earlene - who had been summoned to the office ... (Coincidence? I think not!). The test was, "Will Earlene steal the candybar?" Everybody took a vote and the consensus was - yes, she most definitely would.

She didn't, by the way. (Shame on Mrs. Brown.)

I doubt Earlene was guilty of many of the things she was accused of doing. But I wonder if, after a while, she kind of "grew into" the person everybody said she was. I often wonder about Earlene. Was she responsible for that stall incident? That left such an impression on me. I looked at her as the possessed girl - the girl that Jesus couldn't "fix" - the girl that wasn't good enough for Jesus.

I was sure glad I wasn't Earlene.

Wow - she never even had a chance.

I've often thought about various people. People who were Mormons or Pentecostals. One was described as a "cult" and the other a possessed group of people who believed in speaking tongues which was of the devil, of course.

Sincere people. People who believed 'their' religion was right just as I believed 'my' religion was right. What made me right and them wrong? How come the Baptist's had the corner on the market??

The older I have grown the more I have questioned this. Is Jesus the only Way to God? I know, I know ... blasphemy. I am definitely not wanting to be blasphemous or deny Christ. I am sincerely questioning and ... I think that is okay. Jesus Himself told Thomas it was "okay" to question - to have doubts. He wasn't as "good" as those who didn't question but ... he was "okay" - he wasn't condemned for questioning and needing proof that Jesus was Who He said He was.

Those of you who aren't questioning? According to the Thomas story, you are blessed. But I'm still okay.

To be continued ...