"If you can't say something nice ... "

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5Bbt9extsg

... in short: I have sooo many friends that are not believers as Christians define "belief". So many good people. These friends show no interest in changing their faith, they believe they have the answers they need. For them to betray their faith would be like asking Billy Graham to betray his Christianity.

Who is to say either of them are wrong?



I know, I know ... The Bible.

Well, I'll tell you my problem with this thinking these days:



I know people who call themselves "Christians" and they are horrible people. I know a "Christian" who hurt my child and people like that think that, because they prayed the right prayer and asked Jesus into their heart "once upon a time" that makes it "okay" ... forgive and move on, right? They get the "Get Out of Jail Free" card that they can turn in when they reach the Pearly Gates and I feel guilty for not forgiving in the name of Jesus.

I have my past, too. I made mistakes along the way and wouldn't deserve the 'Get Out of Jail Free' card if my actions were held up before God during the end of my first marriage. I'm not saying I'm better than anybody else. But - there ARE people who have done better than I have on this journey and what? Because they weren't raised to pray that sinner's prayer they are forever condemned if they don't pray now because it's not something they have been raised to believe is real?

I'd like to know what makes some sinners okay but yet a person with a much more honest, ethical living is condemned to hell because they didn't say the right prayer?


One prayer?

There are verses galore to tell me why I'm wrong, why a ticket to Heaven isn't about good works "lest any man should boast" - and personally - I should be thrilled that it's not about good works because I fall so short. But at this point in my life I just don't think that what I've been taught is right any more. At least not in its entirety.

I'm not sure what I believe about Heaven or Hell or Jesus or the Bible. I know there's something much Bigger out there than me - than all of us ... but who can say for certain Who that is?

We all think we're right ... even the people who don't read the Holy Bible. They read the Book of Mormon or something else ... they have devoted their lives to service. They sacrifice, they give, they love, they help. Why are Christians the only ones who are safe?

I don't know.


I know senior citizens who are wonderful people ... I do not believe they are condemned to hell because they didn't pray the right prayer in their younger years.

I know people who have given all their possessions away because they have seen others in need but ... they don't pray to Jesus.

How in the world can they be condemned to hell? But a person that prays the last minute on a cross gets in? For real??

I sincerely hope it's not true.

I know there have been times in my life that I have sincerely, urgently, eagerly, fervently cried out to God. I've asked Him for help. I've waited - at times so patiently it's ridiculous.

Looking back? He didn't help my family when my kids were little. He didn't help my first husband when he sincerely tried to do right by our church members and no matter what - it wasn't good enough ~ a few of those church members made it their mission to beat him down and run him out. I hated that time in my life -- I hated church and a few of the individuals that attended. I cannot imagine they would have a right to occupy Heaven while another who lived a highly moral life but didn't pray "the prayer" was denied a right to occupy Heaven. I don't believe God protected my child when molestation was going on without our knowledge. I had a gut feeling about certain situations - that something wasn't right ... but I was told I was too overprotective, that I didn't have enough faith. "Let go - Let God."

Bull shit. I should've followed my gut and not listened to in-laws or church members that said I needed to entrust my kids into other's care ... I should have listened to me!

If God really cared so much about a sparrow ... ?

?

I can accept that ultimately His ways are better than mine and that I don't deserve salvation or Heaven any more than the next sinner.



But there are people who really deserve Heaven more than some frauds calling themselves Christians who, quite frankly, don't deserve to get in.


Am I bitter? I guess so. It sure sounds like it when I read this over. I just get so tired of people who are nasty, hateful, mean, hurtful, even evil - hiding in church pews or church choirs, or Sunday School classes, or church nursery's, or Christian School Day Care Centers ... and they have hidden agendas but ... they prayed the right prayer so .... it's covered.

I can't accept that.



Why doesn't God fix this? It's an age old question ... I know. "Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?" Innocent children especially!




I want to be a patient follower. But I just don't even HEAR Him when I call on Him.

Do you?

I mean REALLY??!




I'm not singling anybody out here but if you are reading this blog right now and you consider yourself a Christian -- if you believe in God - if you have accepted Jesus ... do you sincerly have that daily, close fellowship and relationship with Him? Or do you not and you just act like you do because everybody else acts like that?

It seems like a biblical version of, "The Emperor's New Clothes" sometimes. I'm not saying that God is not real .... but I am beginning to conclude that I don't know Him very well.

I want to.

If I could hear Him for myself. If I could REALLY HEAR HIM. If He would just say to me, "Be still and know that I am God" - and I wouldn't have to just read those words from a Bible translated thousands of years ago.

I want to hear from the Almighty today - well, I'm not demanding today - I'm not trying to demand any day. And I don't want to be struck by lightning for questioning ... it's a little scary to put myself out there. But honestly --

I want to hear something current. I want that peace that passeth all understanding.



Heck, I'd just like some understanding right now.

I listen to both Air 1 Radio and K-Love radio. The hosts of those shows SOUND like they have a real relationship with God. But do they? Are they just playing the part because it's part of the job description?

I want to hear from God, be assured that it's Him and build a relationship with Him. I want that more than anything else right now.


I'll keep you posted ~

... of Walking and Winnebago's (Part I)

(DISCLAIMER: Just remember, 'PBP: GIFWMY!' For those of you who do not recognize that acronym/bumper sticker from days gone by: Please Be Patient ... God Isn't Finished With Me Yet.')


Some would call it a crisis of belief.
Some would call it a quest for truth.


I'm not exactly sure just yet what "I" am calling "it" - but whatever "it" is - "it" has been serving as the catalyst for me to do some serious, straightforward, scrupulous, sincere: "soul" searching. Quick rewind: I was raised in a nice home, a typical 60's style/fairly strict/conservative environment (by that I simply mean that dad worked to provide for his family, mom stayed home manning the forts, raising the kids, bandaging the 'boo-boo's, etc.). Overall, I would characterize my parents as being very wise, loving, fair and reasonable (not to mention blessed by God with three incredible kids! ha). My religious background, on the other hand ... mmmm - not so much a "blessing" (in hindsight).

I have struggled with several of the beliefs and rules handed down from the pulpit ~ but to "break away" from the pack so to speak - is unheard of. If you don't "believe" the same way as others you are labeled a "backslider" - one of those who have fallen by the wayside - like that seed ... in that parable ...).

Case in point: I'll never forget the time I showed up for a Wednesday night bible study in my Senior year of high school. You weren't supposed to wear "pants" to church (actually, it was preferred women not wear pants at all but ... I digress). I got off work a little late - it was out of my control (ahhh - my first job at good ol' Sprouse Reitz) and I wanted to go to church because our youth group was dwindling and there were a few of us "die-harders" that wanted to keep the thing goin'. My only option was to go straight to church - not go home first to change. I had on "dittos" - do you remember those? They were pants that I wore under my work smock and the pants had cute little stitching from one bottom of the pant leg all the way up around the butt and then back down the other leg. They weren't too "tight" - they were cute ... and what's more ... they "fit" ... back then. :-) Yes, those were the "good ol' days!" ha

But - I digress ~ again! ;-) I had been attending the same church for the full 18 yrs. of my life at that point ... I was on their nursery list and still had a little plaque I received for "perfect attendance" when I was in the elementary Sunday School Dept. My dad directed the music and ... we were there ... faithfully - Sunday mornings, Sunday evenings, Wednesday evenings and the occasional 5th Sunday Singspiration (if I never see another slide of the holy land it will be too soon!).However, after wearing dittos that fateful Wednesday evening - I was taken off the membership roster and instructed not to return in "those pants" again. Wow - really? I busted my "ditto jeaned" ass over from work as fast as I possibly could to GET to youth group in time and ... WHAT? Really? I must've misunderstood. But nope, this was no joke.

Hmph. Suffice it to say -- shortly after that I remember having a heart to heart with my parents and letting them know that - following my graduation from high school - I was planning on looking for a new church. They gave me their blessing - 100%. Looking back - it's a GOOD thing they did because I would've been just as content at that point to never set foot in a church again.

But - I did go church shopping and I found the "little less conservative than Independent Fundamental Baptist Church" in Hayward. Both of my brother's and my one sister-in-law attended this one - it was "Southern Baptist." I didn't have much experience with Southern Baptist's - except to know that, by the Conservative Independent Fundamental standards, it was considered liberal (which is about as laughable as the IFB church saying the "Gaither's" were rockers!).

Okay, so up to the point in my first marriage that I had a major falling out with both my first husband and my God - I would characterize myself as being a "good" Christian - by church standards mind you.I went to church, I followed the rules, I didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't do drugs, wasn't promiscuous, didn't chew or hang out with others that do (ha), and I was part of the "in" group as religious circles go.

Then - my marriage started to unravel.

[If you asked my ex ... he would probably say that "I" pulled the first string in the unraveling. If you asked me ... I would probably say that "he" pulled the first string in the unraveling. But ... we all know there are three sides to every story in a marriage: His, Hers, and the Truth ~ which lies somewhere in between - jumbled and confused over many months and years. Honestly, I don't know how/when the unraveling began ... but it did. Both of us should've made better choices ~ but I can only speak for myself. I definitely could've made better choices (but he could've too ... ha). At any rate - we divorced ~ and yes, that is definitely the "condensed" version but since it's not the main part of my story here it will have to suffice ...] ~

I had no desire whatsoever to ever set foot in a church building again.  I knew how the "church game" was played. I knew those Sunday mornings when everything went wrong at home but we had to get in the car and look "perfect for the pew sitters." I'd say, "Oooh goody - we get to play church again." After that marriage dissolved - seriously - I didn't trust anybody religious - whether they were standing behind the pulpit or knocking on my door with a cute little tract entitled, "Missing Heaven by 11 inches" (or was it 13"? hmmm - guess I should've opened the tract - ha)... but I had absolutely no use for the whole thing.I didn't have much use for God either. Church and God were one and the same for me. That whole "ask and ye shall receive" / "pray without ceasing" thing? Nope, wasn't working. I started to think the "whole thing" was a sham - a lie that I'd bought into - a 'cultish' kind of teaching of who God was that was drilled into my head wayyy back in that little Sunday School on Lewelling Blvd., long before I had a mind to think for myself.

What is Truth?

I know, I know. I know the "right" answer.

Of course -- Jesus is the Truth. And the Way. And the Life.

Hey, just throw a bible trivia question my way and, most likely, I can answer it for you within 5 sec. And yes, I have a pretty fair amount of biblical knowledge - acquired from not only that Sunday School upbringing but from my private school education, and from listening to several sermons being practiced at home before being preached on a Sunday. I may have difficulty giving you the correct "bible address" at first but ... I've done time "drawing my sword!" ;-) I also know a bazillion bible verses by heart ... committed to memory in case I ever "needed them due to religious persecution should we ever be imprisoned like Paul for our beliefs in the future." (Yes, really.)Now, I know it can't hurt to have bible verses committed to memory ~ I'm not saying THAT. But the one verse I heard repeatedly - over and over and over and over and ... (you get the point) was that famous verse found in I Thessalonians, chapter 5, verse 22: "Abstain from all appearance of evil." I had a math teacher in 9th grade quote this verse to me when he was informing me that he would no longer be available to be my tutor. Apparently, a deacon had noticed me exiting his classroom after school later than the other students one day and told this teacher that "... it didn't look 'right' for a male teacher to be tutoring a female student." (Yeah? Well -- I got my first and only 'D' that semester by the way - thanks a lot, buddy!)

Abstain from all appearance of evil.

That means avoiding theatres, watching who you associate with at all times, crossing a street if you happen upon a liquor store so that you won't become a "stumbling block" for a non-believer who doesn't realize you're actually planning to walk PAST the liquor store to your place of employment a few feet further up that walk. I guess these non-believers might mistakingly assume you were going in for a beer because ... ummmm - they are watching your every move to call you out lest you slip up?? Huh? Reality TV wasn't even invented yet but apparently the Christian Cameras were rolling ...

Looking back over the past 46 years I have lived on this earth, I notice that I have spent many a year in a kind of "look over your shoulder" stance. If you're always looking back over your shoulder how can you possibly have a clear and accurate view as to what's coming ahead?I have felt like I've had a video camera surveilling me (not literally) for 46 years and have tried to follow "the rules" (save my 6-12 mos. of stupidity when my first marriage was ending during which time I could've cared less what the hell I did and/or who the hell knew I did it).

But up to that point I constantly worried that I would be "put away on a shelf" - which is what a youth pastor said would happen if you screwed up one too many times. God would be merciful "to a point" but after some unknown limit was surpassed He would put you on the shelf and you'd be of no further earthly use to Him. You wouldn't get a countdown to let you know you're getting close to the shelf detention - nobody was in the background calling out that you were getting 'warmer' - 'colder' - 'hotter' -- you were in this maze alone and it would just "happen" one day. Oops - sorry. You lose.

Oh yes, you'd still make it to Heaven (by the skin of your teeth) but you'd be assigned a back seat. Your "banquet table" would be bread/water while others feasted on God's finest. And jewels on the crown? Ha - sorry dude - ain't gonna' happen. Hmph. I knew I had purchased the proper "Fire Insurance" but was I going to get my monies worth for the policy when pay out time arrived? THAT was the question.

To Be Continued ...