YOU are HERE ...

I feel like I spent the entire evening in bed last night tossing and turning.  I am certain I actually DID sleep at some point because I can remember vivid dreams about adventure racing (of course yours truly was the adventurer!- ha) - but I feel sooo unbelievably tired today nonetheless!!

My brain has been mulling over a bazillion ideas in an effort to more specifically define what I want out of this life! 

• Who am I and what exactly do I want?  (Great book with a similar title written by Shad Hemstetter by the way ... but I digress!).  ;-)
• What are my personal dreams, goals, aspirations?
• What do I want to accomplish with the rest of my time on this earth?
• How can I reach out to others and positively impact this world while at the same time fulfilling my own personal dreams (in other words - how can I balance out becoming my best self without becoming so self-centered I don't make a positive mark on this earth while I'm here)?
• How do I want my life to change (what does my life's blueprint look like following Roux en Y surgery) once I achieve my personal weight loss goals?
• How do I see exercise playing an active (pardon the pun) role in my lifestyle now?
• How am I going to assure myself that exercise and fitness become a part of my life from here on out and that adding exercise right now isn't a temporary means to an end that will fade into the background once I reach my "ultimate" goal weight?
• Is there any career that I could get into (i.e. personal training, freelance writing, etc.) that would enable me to fully embrace this new healthy lifestyle so much that it becomes deeply engrained in everything I do - as opposed to it being a temporary endeavor?
• What do I want to do adventure/endurance racing wise?  I want to define this - to nail it down!
• What type of activity(ies) do I - me, myself & I - personally & genuinely enjoy?  What might I like to do that incorporates movement and exercise and endurance while at the same time being something I would stick with over the long term?
• Once I have determined that I want to compete in a marathon, or a triathlon, or a bike-a-thon .... etc., what charity would I like to become involved in?  I would like to be driven to succeed with a fundraising goal and charity at the forefront of my endeavor(s).  What does that look like?  What group do I feel a deep passion for?

I am trying to be very specific as I go through the process of naming what it is I want to accomplish.  If I can't name it I can't claim it.  [I absolutely LOVE that saying!] 

I am working hard to decide what it is I am willing to dedicate my time and effort to bring about positive change.  I want to decide what my overall objective is?  I think if I really have a purpose for setting out to do something (i.e. - running a marathon, a triathlon, exercising with a personal trainer, etc.) my follow-through will be better because each time I slip on sneakers and get going it will be a step closer to achieving my goal.  I need to know what that goal (those goals!) truly are.

One thing I know for sure - I do not want this process in any way to be an attempt to reach someone else's dream of what my life should look like.  At the same time - I don't want to be so self-centered that I fail to positively impact other's around me. 

I am learning that I TOTALLY LOVE to see people happy and excited and achieving their dreams and goals!!  I love it when others are jubilant over their personal accomplishments!!  I felt an unbelievable amount of joy watching those Ironman participants crossing their finish lines yesterday!!  I've never done drugs but that must be what a natural high feels like ...

I swear - it REALLY made me HAPPY to see them so proud of their accomplishments.  I was somewhat surprised at how GREAT it felt every time one of the athletes crossed the finish line.  It brought me JOY!  How can I incorporate this type of experience into my every day life? 

In what way might I be able to change my career so that it fits into the over all picture of my personal best?  What type of endurance racing do I want to get involved with?  (This question truly is a matter of what, not if now!  :-)

Truth be told though - I have never pictured myself the type to participate actively in sports but I would love to bring awareness to a cause like optic nerve damage - something that I have a personal connection to because of Daniel.

I have found that, when I go to look at marathons and triathlons to compete/participate on behalf of a "cause" - the issue of optic nerve damage/stem cell research in this area/optic nerve regeneration, etc. ... it is practically non-existent.  And THIS is the one cause I can tell would get me busy!!!

I find myself wondering:  How will my son ever be able to regain his vision if no emphasis is being placed on this one cure we have been told has not been "invented" yet but could potentially help restore vision ... an optic nerve transplant!?

I am certain that my boy is not the only one in this world who suffered an illness at a young age that caused brain swelling resulting in permanent optic nerve damage and vision loss.  Where are the others out there?  This issue needs to be brought out and if not me ... then who??

Maybe I'm the one to do it ...

It seems huge and way beyond me but ... everybody has a cause.  I'm out to find mine.

As always - as I'm searching - I'll keep you ...

posted

Ummm ... ouch*

So I'm going to try to be a bit more disciplined writing in this blog as I begin to really focus on the fitness side of my weight loss journey.  My objective is to document in a detailed manner the sheer torture of this experience so that I can fully appreciate the day that I can walk again!  (ha)

Let me explain:  Recently, I won a drawing for fitness training at a gym in Redding:  CrossFit.  CrossFit is pretty cool and they are turning out some very fit athletes! 

Woo Hoo, right?!  ;-)   Sure, yeah ... whatevuh!  (lol)

My first one-on-one training session was Tuesday evening @ 5:30 p.m.  I was cautiously optimistic and eager to get started.  I am not certain what exactly I was expecting.  I knew the training was going to consist of initial technique training ... how to properly lift, squat, press, etc.  I think I was figuring on about 1 hour of time from start to finish.  Ummm ...

Not.

I should've listened when I was forewarned that this particular trainer was - and I quote - a "beast".  How can something so tiny be a beast?  I remained cautiously optimistic.

THAT was my first mistake!  (ha)  Our first hour was spent on technique/skill training and that I was expecting.  In fact, I would have to say the upper body training was not bad at all - I was taught how to properly lift and press and stretch using a PVC pipe in place of a regular barbell.  Piece o' cake!

It was when this gal began to work with me on the proper technique for squatting.  Ohhhh man - the first few were okay.  BUT - when I had to start squatting and staying down in position so the gal could properly adjust my foot placement, where my thighs were, etc., THIS is when the burn started.  I don't know how many squats I did (I stopped counting at 4,358! ha ... okay, maybe THAT's a slight exaggeration??) ;-) ... but for a person who hasn't squatted for years ... 5 squats would've been too many at that point in time.  Let me just say -- there were WAYYYYY more than five.  sigh*)

After almost a full hour of this training, skinny girl says, "Okay Rebecca ... let's take a quick break.  I have to go to the bathroom and I'd like you to get some water.  I want you to be well hydrated when we begin your ...

WORKOUT!"

Ummmmmmm ......

HUH?  WHAT?  I chuckle and she looks at me strange?  "What?" (I think) ... "You are not joking?"  Quickly it is apparent ... nope, she's NOT joking???  Oh PUULEEEZZZZEEE God - this HAS to be a joke?!

I am about to collapse.  I'm not kidding you.  My legs were singing the J-E-L-L-O jingle.  They were quivering ...

But this was no joke.  She walks into the bathroom and I must admit -- I immediately looked for the nearest exit door that wasn't blocked by fit freaks.  I planned my route ... could I grab my purse from the cubby and make it to the exit undetected BEFORE she had a chance to wipe?

Sadly, no.  Not only does this chick run fast ... she goes to the bathroom too fast.  Shoot!  Plan A:  Foiled.  :-(

The WOD (Workout Of the Day) for me consisted of their 10,20,30,40 plan:  10 push-ups followed by 20 sit-ups, followed by 30 (more!) squats (WHAAAAT?????), followed by a 400 m. (the equivalent of once around a high school track) run. 

My mind instantly went into panic mode.  I was fighting off the voice screaming, "I can't, I can't" ... I was trying to pull from deeeeep within ... I honestly felt like I had nothing more to give.  The push-ups and the sit-ups?  Maybe.  But the squats followed by any type of run?  I just didn't see it within reach. 

Went I went in to the gym I tried to be positive and explain in a non-defeatest way that I was very much a beginner ... having not been a regular attender to a gym for 10 years.  Even when I did attend regularly it was to an all women's gym where my focus was primarily on some nautilus equipment and mostly an aerobics and/or step class.  This gym format is new to me -- more of a military combat style using free weights, bands, barbells, ropes, etc.  It is an intense level fitness center.  As they would say, they are "hardcore".

It's great - don't get me wrong.  These are serious work out enthusiasts ... and I am in awe of their discipline, their muscles, their stamina.  I truly am.

But for myself?  I DO want to walk when all is said and done.  (ha)

When skinny chick came out from the bathroom - I was still there (she was probably as surprised as I!).  :-)  I did the push-ups (such as mine were compared to her example), I did the sit-ups ... those were actually okay ... but the 30 additional squats?  Those were very difficult for me to finish - which was disheartening because she stood over me with stopwatch in hand and I knew my efforts were being recorded from start to finish.  I'm sure that's good - it would be great to look back in several months to see where my efforts have taken me.  But I have no plans to join this gym once this free "fundamentals training" is completed.  It was a great drawing to win but we have a family membership through my work that covers every family member for 1/2 the price that this particular gym charges for one individual.  It is not only not feasible for me - but it's not practical for my family, nor is it necessary. 

I am sincerely trying to determine my ultimate fitness goals for me as an individual.  I am toying with the idea of eventually competing in a marathon - and even toying with the idea of taking that one step further and competing in a traiathlon.  These are goals I am thinking I might want to achieve.  What I am sincerely trying to determine is whether or not I must start out at this level intensity to eventually be able to accomplish the goals I just listed ... or if, as I'm suspecting, she is pushing too fast out the gate.  I am all for a challenge and I expect to be uncomfortable and even in some pain initially commencing with a new program. 

However, I have to say - I didn't feel "listened" to by this trainer.  She was young, she was eager, she was enthusiastic.  But she didn't listen to me.  I wasn't making excuses - I was being honest.  If I felt she was trying to push me and that I just wasn't willing to give my best - that would be one thing.  I think a good trainer can see in us what sometimes we cannot see in ourselves. 

This isn't the case.  I do not think she had the wisdom to realize limitations and the red flag to me is that I didn't feel the "comfort chemistry" that I think is necessary between a trainer and trainee.  BOTH need to be able to express where they are and feel listened to.  My feelings were ignored.  I think she pushed too hard.  I really do.

When it came time to go outside and do my run and I (honest to God) went to lift my leg and start a subtle jog - my left leg totally gave way.  I almost fell - I hobbled and locked my knee to keep from going down.  It shook and gave way again once I had steadied myself.  I turned and said, "I will be walking this 400 meter."  I don't think she was too impressed but she nodded affirmatively and I turned and finished the 400 meters at a walking pace.  All the while she had that stop watch in the palm of her hand held upright so I could see it.  If that was supposed to make me move faster it would've ... if I could've.

At the moment I turned back to finish the 400 m., I felt a new understanding of how obese individuals felt on "The Biggest Loser."   My trainer did not scream in my face at all -- but the individuals on that show who are also new to fitness routines are subjected to Jillian Michaels getting right up in their faces - screaming at them not to quit, to dig deeper, etc.  If Jillian had been with me this past Tuesday she would've definitely been screaming in my face ... she probably would've wanted to slap me.  I might have been one of those contestants flying off the back of the treadmill! 

In hindsight - I do feel like I gave it my all on Tuesday night.  I'm looking back and asking myself, "Did you wimp out?  Could you have given more? ... Be Honest Now!" 

Wellll - I didn't wimp out.  It's possible that skinny girl saw more in me than I saw in myself but I physically could not get my legs to jog.  Even walking I felt like I had to lock my knees to keep them from giving way. 

If it wasn't happening to yours truly even I might've looked on and chuckled.  But - it WAS happening to me and ... it wasn't so funny then!  :-)

Suffice it to say, by the time I got into my car to leave I was uncertain whether or not I would have strength enough in my foot to apply pressure to the gas pedal.  Once I was successful in that feat I was all the more thankful I had an automatic car and didn't have to use the other foot for the clutch.

I made it home and tried not to let on too much.  I took some Tylenol this morning at 3am!  (Yes, really.)

My next session is tomorrow night ... and will I go?

I will keep you .....

... posted

(because luckilly - TYPING - uses my fingers ... NOT my lower extremeties.  From my thighs down there is a sign that reads, "OUT OF ORDER" - so that's the explanation for it if you see me at the mall later!)