"Defeat isn't an option ... "

This evening I am trying to determine just how many blog postings are allowed on a daily basis. Not literally. I'm just wondering at what point constant blogging causes others to "think me a lazy slug?" ha I'm thinking I'm still in the 'safe zone' for now ... it's the novelty of it (pardon THAT pun!).

Alright - I'll get right to the heart of the matter. The first line in "Grey's Anatomy." To quote Meredith Grey:

"Defeat isn't an option!"

PERFECT! Okay, not "original" (obviously, I plagerized but ... it's okay if you admit it, right?)! It really seemed perfect for my blog tonight before bed. There were a couple of good lines in the show ... that just happened to be the opener. It was so ideal as I'm embarking on this ~ my FINAL weight loss challenge ~ that it had to be included in here!!

One of the things I want to do as I work off this weight is get to the bottom of the issue ... since my bottom has been the issue farrrr tooo long! To that end (geeeze - I seem to be developing a theme here! ... ha) ... I want to journal more.

As a teen I used to write for hours on end before turning off my bedroom light and going to sleep. Never mind I had no social life in high school (ha). I felt SO in touch with my thoughts, my feelings, my hopes, my dreams. I can, literally, remember thinking as a girl of about 15 yrs. of age, "I will never need a shrink - I know myself sooo well."

Wow - those were the days. I definitely cannot say the same thing now (that I know myself so well). Funny. Somewhere between the first contraction and 20+ years later I think I lost a bit of myself ... though I gained a lot of pounds. It's not a bad thing to change ... there are those life experiences I wouldn't change for the world. It is, however, a bad thing to change and not know exactly when it occurred ...

About seven days ago, I decided to begin journaling again so I pulled out a dusty notebook to do so. Then I got to thinking about a blog. Hey, it's almost the year 2010, right? "Get with the times, mama!"

When I was a "kid" - blogs didn't exist. [I know, I know ... I'm dating myself now. I will, however, break the cycle and not tell you I walked up a hill and back, through snow, to school. The honest truth is: I got a ride back! ha]

Ahhh - I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah, so I begin thinking (scary thought, I know): What about a blog? What if...?

.... What if I could help others as I try to help myself? Obviously I'm not the only one wanting to/needing to lose weight. Commercials for Slim Fast, Nutri-System, Jenny Craig, Alli, Gastric Bypass [yada yada yada] abound! I am certan there are others of you out there. It's not some secret Roswell society (ha).

What if I posted a blog and, while I work things out, I let the world in? The worst thing that could happen is .... ? Hmmm?? I don't know ... it hasn't happened yet so my guess is ... "there's no 'worst thing' - go for it!"

Here I go. Are you strapped in? Hold on tight!

A few weeks back, I sent a family member an e-mail. I was somewhat "forewarned" by my hubby that this might be a letter to save to the "drafts" file and mull over for a while. So - I mulled. Well ... I mulled so long the cider became proof! I sent the e-mail after about 10 days (give or take a few).

Perhaps I should have taken a few more? ;-) Because ... after sending that e-mail I realized ... wow. I have a lot of bitter feelings about things ~ a lot of anger. I'm not sure why but ... this revelation sort of surprised me. Another "revelation" was that ~ while I felt better after 'writing' the letter [and this is important for those of you with letters in your "drafts" file ... ] ~ I did not necessarily feel better after 'sending' the letter. (You are so totally sworn to secrecy! Not a word of this to my husband. He doesn't need to know he was right! lol)

Live and learn. Oh! And maybe at some point send an apology?! I'm not there yet but ... perhaps. Right now all I have accomplished is the "opportunity" to experience "awkward feelings at future family gatherings" ... (oh joy?)!

Anyway - along with the journaling idea I thought maybe I would pull out Dr. Phil's, "Ultimate Weight Loss Challenge" book. It's here .... somewhere in my library of weight loss books that apparently you have to READ for them to work. (NOTE: That type of information SHOULD be posted on the front cover somewhere! ha). But I was watching a recorded episode and he talked about the "7 Keys" and ... right now those might come at a good time for me. I'll let you know. Enough about Dr. Phil [but I still want to meet him someday - just an aside ;-) ].

Back to other great lines from Grey's (and yes, I'll try to tie things together in time ...)

He: "...that's what I'm feeling today - shame."
She: " Good. That's a start."
He: "HOW is that a start?"
She: "You NAMED it! The feeling. Ya' have to know what it is

before you can start to navigate to somewhere better."

Ooooh - that was good. I do feel shame. Not just shame but ... that's there. So ... that particular line grabbed my attention. I do feel shame.

And though you wouldn't be able to "see" it by looking at my exterior right now ... I am a perfectionist. Not being "perfect" is an extremely difficult concept for me to accept.

"Nobody's perfect," I hear. Yeah? Well, hearing that is similar to how you feel when your teen says, "Why can't I go to (fill in the blank)? So and so is going." To which you, all good mothers and fathers reply (say it with me now ...), "Yeah, well so and so is not my kid!" [How funny - I seriously HEARD you say it just now ~ haha!]

So yes, maybe "nobody's perfect" but ... that doesn't mean it's any easier for me to swallow. And ... I get very irritated with people who let me know (especially with a "look") that they recognize my imperfection and that it bugs them, too.

I don't like judgemental people .... yet I am judgemental.

I guess it is really true that what bugs us a lot about other people is often times something we need to work on in ourselves. Not sure as I haven't made it that far in the psych book yet ~ but I've heard that is true on "some" level. I'll get back to you on that one! ha ;-)

Wrapping this up (and not sure I tied loose ends but ... eventually I will).

One last thing before I retire off to bed tonight. I have this piece I do want to add because it sums up how I feel about wanting to get back to "that place" where I felt ... clearer. I was more connected to my goals, more grounded, more connected to what I believed was God's plan for my life, more connected TO God, more connected to who I was, where I was going, what I wanted to "be when I grew up."

The following is an excerpt the movie, "PROOF" with Gwyneth Paltrow. Enjoy.

"How many days have I lost? How can I get back to the place where I started? I'm outside a house, trying to find my way in. But it is locked and the blinds are down, and I've lost the key, and I can't remember what the rooms look like or where I put anything. And if I dare go in inside, I wonder... will I ever be able to find my way out? "

I can. I will.

Would you like to come along on this journey with me? I'm inviting you and I do so hope you will accept. After all ~ "the journey is the reward!"

"We are all travellers in the wilderness of this world,

and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend."

Robert Louis Stevenson