'DISH'in it out ...

We are currently a 'DISH' subscriber and I really like their service.

However, I have come to the realization that when our last chicken flies the coop we are going to have way too many TV channels in this house for the two of us.  Lately, Chuck and I just haven't really had a lot of time for television viewing.  Ben has enjoyed the NBA playoffs, etc., but really -- it's kind of a waste.

So I am in the process of downgrading our television cable and, come mid-July, I think we'll be saving quite a bit on our television subscription.

The "Deliberate Days" month of May really was good for me.  I have about 4 books that I'm either reading or getting ready to start and I just cannot get enough reading material to satisfy me.  I'm remembering how much I loved reading as a child.  We would go to the San Lorenzo Public Library and I would always look forward to checking out "The Little's" or a book about magic or ventriloquism!  I just couldn't get over the fact that these were FREE for me to borrow ... oh, how I loved the library!  :-)

Writing has also been a lot of fun but I am absolutely clueless where to go with my writing.  I lack skill when it comes to using proper grammar, punctuation, etc.  I also lack creativity when it comes to creating make believe.  Poetry is a breeze but it's not my passion. 

I am working on the short story I submitted to Women's World.  It was rejected (sigh*) and I had filed it away in the 'won't work' folder but then I realized that was a little silly.  Why not just work on it some more - it's kind of a cute story/idea if I do say so myself.  While I don't mind the rejection letter (okay, that's a lie - it did sting!), what I minded was the fact that there was no explanation.  I'm certain that's standard but I would sure like to know why it wouldn't work.  I'd like to have corrective criticism, helpful feedback, advice.  I know a busy/big magazine doesn't have time for that so ... my next step is to enroll in a creative writing course at the college. 

Ultimately I would love to have the time available to attend college at Chico and finish my BA with a major in English.  After that I would reallllllllly love to get my Master's in creative writing ... and who knows?  Maybe this will happen.  Chuck will be retiring in three years or so and if we get some things paid down between now and then who knows what the future holds?  ;-)  Maybe we'll free fly it and try out some new places to live.  I'm not sure California is where I want to live out my senior years but we definitely want to be here and close while our mom's are still with us.  And, of course, we want to be nearby once the grandbabies start to come along.  That isn't in the near future as of right now but who knows when the kids will meet and marry that "special someone"? 

I am looking forward to being a grandma someday and I know Chuck will enjoy that because he never had an opportunity to spend much time around babies and it's something he missed.  We had talked about having one child together after we married 12 years ago but with my having had a tubal after Ben it would have been not only risky at my age but also too expensive.  Chuck has treated the kids as if they were his own while never trying to take away from the relationship they have with their dad and he has been an amazing father figure for each of them.  I really scored in the husband lotto the second time around.

Life has been good to me and I realize with every passing day how blessed I am.  That sounds cheesy and cliche but I'm okay with cheesy and cliche because blessed is the word that fits best.

So here I sit in front of this computer.  My youngest took his last high school final today.  (Technically tomorrow is the last day but he has already completed all of his finals so ... his high school career is behind him.)  Five A's and one B (in Statistics).  If you can get a B in Statistics with my genes coursing through your veins you can consider yourself amazing!!  :-)

Okay so yeah, I am a proud mom.  I'm the kind of mom who bugs people because I could go on for hours about my kids but ... they're just that great.  And yeah, I'll also be "that" grandma who pulls her wallet out and the plastic accordian photo thingy flops down with all the pics of my grandbabies.  I'm just giving you fair warning so be ready to deal with it and nod and say how adorable they are.  Once I get your acknowledgement of what I already know I'll be good to go.  (ha)  Wow - this will be incredible birth control for my three kids should they ever read this blog.  lol

Enough rambling for today - more soon ...

I'm a ...

... "40 something wife and mom ..."


 Hmmm - am I?  Well, for a little while longer that profile description applies.  However - it's almost time for an update because in about a month the age thing will change.  (OUCH*)

Yep, I'm turning 50. 

Never in my life has an age gotten under my skin but now I'd have to admit it is a little bit ... perhaps that is because, for the first time IN my life, my skin is much more saggy!  lol

Fifty is "okay" - I mean, I'm happy to be alive (so thankful for this life I've been blessed to live!).  I guess the thing about turning 50 is the realization that I have lived more than half of my life and I don't have another 50 in the works.  When I turned 40 there was still the chance that I had another 40 in the making and that was fine with me.  But that's not (realistically) the case when you hit 50 as I highly doubt I'll see the big 1-0-0.  I mean, it could happen, yes -- but probably not.  And while I'm completely okay with that - it's just weird. 

This is the year that I realize how quickly time has passed and continues to pass.  My dad has passed away (something I somehow convinced myself would never happen in my lifetime thanks to an on into adulthood childhood belief that the rapture would take place!).  All three of my children are now 18 years of age.  My youngest child is graduating this Friday night. 

Empty Nest.
Turning 40.
Going through the loss of a parent.
My youngest shipping off to boot camp in San Diego ON my fiftieth birthday.

There's a lot I'm digesting right now.  I am not sure I would describe this feeling as one of sadness.  It's quite hard to put into words.

Right now I am really just reflecting on how I spend my time. 

It's definitely a time to reevaluate.

I always dreamed of being a wife and mom and now the child rearing part of the "mom" job is coming to a close.  That I do feel sad about.  I am happily married and that helps going into this new stage of life.  My husband and I have never had a life alone together.  Unlike the traditional family where the husband and wife marry before kids and have some time alone prior to their arrival, my incredible husband walked in to a ready made family and has cared for each of us since the day we began our life together as husband and wife.  Actually, he showed us all loving care quite a while before the actual wedding date.  There really aren't many men in this world like my Chuck.  He is a loving, warm man.  So even though we did things a bit backwards as far as time without children living in the home, it will be something exciting to have the house to ourselves and be a couple for the first time sans children.

But I will MISS the kids so much.  I feel for people who have multiples at the same time ... at least in my case I've had a break between children moving out of the nest and going on their own.  That time between kids moving on has given me an opportunity to adjust - to know what to expect somewhat.

And yet I'm not sure a mom is ever prepared to send her last child out into the world.  It happens - it has to happen - you want it to happen for your kids. 

But still ...

Anyway - moving on.  I thoroughly enjoyed the "Deliberate Days" of writing in May.  Turning the television off more often and picking up a book (I got a lot of reading done!) and/or writing on this blog ... it turned out to be a GREAT use of my time.  I really enjoyed the month of May.

I want to live deliberately from now on ... I want to live a "daily deliberate" life.  Maybe that's what I will call my column (yeah, the one I'm dreaming of writing).  ;-)

Life is short --> Life is not a dress rehearsal --> There are no do-overs, just do-betters.

PS --> Eat chocolate.

Droopy Drawers ...

Yesterday my husband and I were in Raley's.  Ben was still over at a friend's house finishing a final (project) for school and we were, once again, doing a trial run of the ol' 'empty nest' thing.  Happening a lot lately ... it's weird.

Anyway - I digress.  We were in Raley's and for whatever reason, I was thinking about this blog.  I was looking at a few parents with children still small enough to ride in the cart and I was running through the whole, "Don't blink" thing in my head when I had a funny memory surface.  It happened one day about 12 years ago.  Ben was around 6 years old and Daniel was around 11 yrs.  Both of the boys were testing me out ... trying to see if they could get away with wearing baggy pants.  I would have none of it.  Daniel figured out fairly quickly that I thought the pants were ridiculous and that "style" would not make its way successfully into their wardrobe.  Ben, on the other hand, thought he could hold out and, with those long eyelashes that he tried to blink on occasion, convince me over time that baggy pants were THE thing.

One day while in Raley's (I remember we were in the meat department - ha) Daniel and Ben were going back and forth (told you it wasn't all peachy ... we had our not so "Mother of the Year qualifying" moments ... this was one) ...

So both of the boys were going back and forth - messing around, arguing, being loud, etc.  I don't remember everything that happened, just that I was trying (stress TRYING) to shop.  Raley's was definitely not my regular place to shop at that time but for whatever reason we were there.  And it was on a weeknight and everybody was tired, cranky, hungry - probably HOT in Redding.  Apparently I was a distracted shopper because at some point I turned back just in time to see Daniel-pants-Ben!  They had been discussing Ben sneaking out of the house with baggy pants (not sure how I missed that one as that was one of my pet peeves) - but I missed it so Daniel thought he'd teach Ben a lesson.  Daniel told Ben his pants were so loose he (Daniel) could pull them down.  

Ben said, "You can not," Daniel said, "I can so."

Daniel could.

Daniel did.

I FLIPPED OUT!

I was sooo mad - mostly embarrassed - and ... well, you name it, I was.  All I really remember was flagging down the nearest Raley's employee, asking if they would please put my cart (filled with dairy, meat and frozen products by this time) into their cooler in the back.  I explained (after rapidly pulling UP Ben's pants .... thankfully the underwear had remained in tact during the fiasco) that I needed to run home for something and I promised to return shortly and pay for my groceries.

I'm not sure what I did at home -- I'm sure it included the "look" - the "lecture" ... whatever. 

But today - in Raley's - walking through the meat department -- that memory cracked me up!

I just worried soooo much about what others thought of me as a parent, thought of my children as kids ... I worried wayyy too much.  (If I had a "do-over" that'd be one thing I would definitely do-over.  I'd chill SOOO much more.) 

Really - my kids wouldn't believe this but reallyyy!!  I just wouldn't freak out so much about what others thought of me.  As Dr. Phil would say, "Don't worry about what others are thinking about you.  Truth is - they're NOT."

So true.

Although I must confess I still worry (some) to this day about outward appearances ... it's getting easier.  I worry less now that my "baby" is eighteen -- a lot of stress has been lifted as far as pleasing others is concerned.

People just really aren't paying that much attention to the rest of us ... they're too busy worrying about what we think of them.

Time to lighten up -- live life -- enjoy each day ... and recall those hilarious childhood moments that turned into great "remember when" memories! 

Maybe this is why grandparents are so popular with the grandkids.  They exhausted most of their overreacting and worrying about other's opinions during their child rearing years with their own kids.  Now they realize how fast the time goes and they realize what other people think of them really is none of their business.  ;-)

So -- here's to chilling out ... and tight waistbands forever!

A Crush?

I have a confession to make.

Timothy Busfield fell in love with me in the canned foods aisle of Raley's last night.  I know.  I know - it sounds crazy ... but it's true. 

Well, it was true.  Until I woke up!

HA --   I have to say, in all honesty, Timothy Busfield is the LAST actor I would want to have to come clean and admit had a crush on me.  No offense intended but seriously, Busfield?  I mean, he was okay as Elliot on my favorite 1980's show, 'Thirty Something.'  But he was just "okay" ...

In 'real life' he recently married Melissa Gilbert (really Timothy - Half Pint?) and he seems happy enough.  So why in the heck is he showing up in my dreams, asking me to listen to "this new song I wrote" - holding his iPod up to my ear and then telling me, "I hope this moment between us never ends" ... why Timothy?  WHY?

hahaha

Aren't dreams C-R-A-Z-Y?  Some dreams sure are.  Especially those dreams you have that, upon awakening, seemed so real you wonder if what you're remembering was a dream or if it really happened?  I had a dream the other night that I was called into my Supervisor's office because there was porn on my work computer.  Now okay - I KNOWWW there's not porn on my work computer - at least there's no porn that I've been viewing on my work computer - but still, upon awakening that stupid dream seemed so real I almost wanted to call in sick so I didn't have to face my supervisor.  HA

And anyway - if I'm going to have a stupid sounding dream - really subconscious ... AT LEAST put Simon Baker in the dream or for that matter Mark Harmon ... (now there's a couple of dreams for ya) ... but Timothy Busfield?  Ugh - MY subconscious is whacked out!

Yep.  Some dreams ARE whacked out.  And some dreams are funny.  Some dreams are super scary (I had one of those recently as well and I woke Chuck up and told him I wanted to put my head on his shoulder because my dream scared me and, in his sleeping state, he wrapped me up and assured me everything was going to be just fine.  He'd keep me safe and I could just drift back to sleep.  Ahhhh - my husband is THE BEST.  That THAT, Busfield!).

Sooo - here I sit - my Deliberate Days of writing during the month of May are behind me and I still want to write.  About anything - silly stuff, serious stuff, stupid stuff ... stuff.  I love to write.

I love to share my dreams - real and/or imagined.

I love life.  I hope you do, too!!

Have a GREAT Sunday!  :-)

PS -->  Timothy Busfield - you're simply not my type.  But please tell your wife I loved her in Little House!  ;-)