1 year Post Gastric Bypass

BEFORE

AFTER

I'm still standin' ...

Ha - funny title but I was trying to be quippy and that song was the only thing I could come up with!  :-)

This will be a quick post but since I haven't logged on for a while I thought a brief catch-up was in order.  Life is going so well and I'm feeling great!  I'm continuing to work toward eliminating my last 23 pounds for good!  Woo Hoo --  sooo close I can taste it!  (Ha - that kinda' defeats the purpose ... tasting anything may not be a good idea!)  ;-)

Eventually life will slow down and I will once again, keep you ...

'posted!' 

My Bucket List :-)

1.   Meet Robin McGraw
2.   Grow (and ultimately plant an avocado tree)

3.   Visit New York (maybe watch the ball drop on New Years Eve)
4.   Visit Central Park
5.   Attend a Broadway Play
6.   Visit Vermont in the Fall
7.   Visit the Hershey’s Chocolate Factory in Hershey, PA
8.   Visit Niagra Falls
9.   Have Roux n Y Gastric Bypass
10. Go on a luxury cruise
11. Visit Las Vegas (w/ Chuck)
12. Go to Water Works Park
13. Win a Sweepstakes
14. Sell Parker Street Property
15. Pay off debt [if accrued]
16. Drive cross country (preferably in a motor home – 5th wheel)
17. Reach my goal weight of between 125-135 pounds
18. Purchase a new/stylish wardrobe
19. Get a tummy tuck
20. Get a new master bedroom set
21. Take the whole family to Disney World
22. Visit Hawaii with Chuck
23. Take the whole family to Hawaii
24. Take the whole family to Epcot Center
25. Visit British Columbia
26. Visit Germany
27. Go inside the East German (Berlin) wall
28. Visit Nuremburg/Rothenburg
29. Drive across the Autobahn
30. Ride on a camel
31. Milk a cow
32. See a litter of puppies or kittens being born
33. Write and publish a novel
34. Play "Red Rover, Red Rover" (ha)
35. Go paddle boating
36. Run a 5K and/or Marathon
37. Volunteer at “Special Olympics”
38. Give someone a large sum of money anonymously
39. Get all photographs off of home computers
40. Finish all scrapbooking albums
41. Stay in a cabin (by a creek) in the woods
42. Ride small motorcycle (like when in Colorado)
43. Own a home with a built in pool
44. Own a home with a game/family room
45. Establish a scholarship for a high schooler (annually if possible but at least a one time!)
46. Travel in First Class
47. Shop at an exclusive store in New York or Hollywood and buy something (something little!)
48. Go tandem biking
49. Get to know a homeless person
50. Write a newspaper article and get it published
51. Write a magazine article or story and get it published
52. Make up seven (7) lunches and hand out to homeless/needy
53. Learn a new dance
54. Watch the launch of a space shuttle
55. Volunteer to serve a Thanksgiving meal at a Rescue Mission/Homeless Shelter
56. Work with Habitat for Humanity to build a house
57. Go fishing and CATCH a fish
58. Sleep under the stars w/o a tent
59. Stay at an exclusive 5 Star Hotel (Penthouse Suite)
60. Visit Paris, France
61. Visit Australia
62. Go on a Gondola Ride (under the arch/bridge) ~ be serenaded
63. Own a home with a wrap-around porch and swingset
64. Sip hot cocoa in front of a fireplace at a ski resort
65. Get my college degree
66. Lead an aerobics class
67. Work (or volunteer my time) at a local high school
68. Publish a book of poetry
69. Clean out garage completely – organize it
70. Take whole family to a Benihana Restaurant
71. Take whole family on a big "family vacation" somewhere
72. Order Room Service at a fancy hotel
73. Wear a swimsuit AFTER tummy tuck
74. Shop for lingerie @ Victoria’s Secret
75. Go to Yosemite with Chuck
76. Visit the Grand Canyon
77. Visit Greece
78. Be the best grandma – with “traditions” that my grandkids anticipate!
79. Quit work and do only what I enjoy/love doing
80. Take a bubble bath (candles, head pillow, etc.)
81. Learn how to dive into a swimming pool
82. Be home to care for grandkids on a moment’s notice
83. Get a small ladybug tattoo on my right foot
84. Remove oak tree in backyard
85. Plant a garden
86. Rent a kayak and enjoy a day in the water/sun!
87. Visit Sweden
88. Fully landscape backyard
89. Write a poem and get it published
90. Meet Dr. Phil
91. Meet Oprah
92. Make donuts at a donut shop
93. Go skydiving
94. Play "Red Light/Green Light"
95. Play "Dodgeball" again
96. Play "Hide & Seek"
97. Play "Capture the Flag"
98. Play "Freeze Tag"
99.
100 ....  WHAT WILL IT BE???  ;-)

I really don't know what tomorrow holds ... but I know Who holds tomorrow ...

Wow - I found out yesterday that a PA who works for the surgeon who performed my spine surgery 4 years ago had a diving accident on July 4th and is now paralyzed.

I don't know him well but I know he's a great guy and he went over and above when I was recovering from my surgery.  Here he is - a young man himself - husband to a young bride and father to two young boys (I think they're both under 4 because his wife gave birth to their first son shortly after my surgery in 2006).  There he was - simply spending the holiday with his family ... enjoying time together.  He took one simple dive - probably a dive he'd performed a million times over the years but this time:  boom. 

His life has now changed forever.

In the blink of an eye!

Later today I go to Winco and I notice two teens in the line directly in front of me (both appeared to be under 16 years of age) - the boy is bagging the groceries that his sister has just loaded onto the belt.  She has the credit card and is waiting for the cashier to give her the final tally of their grocery bill. 

I find myself wondering, "Where is the adult in their life?"

She wheels up a few moments later ... a paraplegic.  (sigh*)  She had some use of her hands to activate her electric wheelchair but she had a brace around her neck and her legs were braced.  The two teens helping were so mature and funloving.  Their mom (or whomever this adult was to them) had done a great job raising them.

I was humbled.

Every morning when the alarm goes off I want to hit the snooze, roll over and go back to sleep.  I know I should walk or run or do a combination of both ... but I want to sleep in.  I get up because I know I should, because I have a goal, because I have to.

Tomorrow I will get up because ... I CAN! 

What the physician's assistant or this woman shopping tonight wouldn't give to hear that alarm sound and bound out of bed to take a brisk walk every morning.

So yes - again - I will walk for them tomorrow morning.  And I will pray that both will receive a miraculous healing. 

Life is short ... we don't know what tomorrow may bring.  We take moments for granted while we're making memories.

I hope I will begin to be more conscious of all the gifts I have in my life - my family, my home, my health, my ability to move ... just to name a few.

I will close for tonight but, as always, I will keep you ...

'posted'  ;-)

10 Steps to Start Running | Active.com

10 Steps to Start Running Active.com

This author (Jeff Galloway) has been HIGHLY recommended ... I've seen his name mentioned in articles I've read in magazines (such as Runner's World), recommended by the owner of Fleet Foot in Redding, CA, and on other websites I've browsed on the net.  Here you go:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Active Expert Jeff Galloway is a former Olympian, leading running coach and bestselling author of Marathon, Half-Marathon, Running--A Year Round Plan, Walking--The Complete Book and Galloway's Book on Running, 2nd Ed. These are available, autographed, from http://www.runinjuryfree.com/. Join Jeff's blog: http://www.jeffgallowayblog.com/."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
(NOTE: I just read, copied and pasted his bio in here and I'm pretty stoked he has a blog to follow! I'm joinin'!!) ;-)

Week 1

:-)

Good Morning (or Good Day ... or Good Evening ... depending on when you read this ... whoever "YOU" happen to be!) ~

Today marks the end of Week 1.  I have decided I like walking alright ... but running definitely isn't my first love.

Hmmm.

But - I want to participate in a 5k so ... I can't just get out there and do it one day ... I must train and plan ahead. 

Beyond that 5k, the invite to Georgia next summer is sooo inviting.  I would love to participate in that Iron Girl with my niece (and any other family members that decide they are game back there).  ha

And then ... beyond that ... I want to figure out what it is, fitness wise, that I enjoy.  I have always been intrigued by kayaking, paddle boating, I like bike riding but I'm not sure about bike riding/cycling for sport?  I LOVE LOVE LOVED aerobics ... especially step aerobics.  It sounds like the "latest/greatest craze" these days is Zumba and I think that incorporates a latin/salsa style music which I do not enjoy listening to.  I like 70-80's rock ... fast rock, easy listening ... but those oldies but goodies.  I wonder if there are any step aerobics classes out there like that or if I should hit eBay to see if I can find a step aerobics DVD that has what I'm looking for?

Decisions ... decisions.

Like the decision I need to make about going out front and weeding the yard.  I know I would sweat out there ... there are some bushes that really need to be trimmed (or removed).  It's already showing signs that it's going to be a hot one today ... no time like the present to get a jump on yard work I suppose.

Until later ... as always, I'll keep you ...

'posted'  ;-)

:-)

This morning I finally saw a number under 150 pounds.  Okay, it was 149 ... so not "that much" under 150 pounds but ... I'll take it!  ;-)

I have 24 pounds left to go before reaching my personal goal of 125 pounds ... that's do-able and this makes me smile!

I definitely think the workouts and training are helping ... I'm finding that weight loss is becoming secondary to exercise right now (i.e. - I'm not thinking so much about losing pounds as I am about getting in shape, toning up, preparing for a future race).  As a result, a fun side effect of the training and movement is weight loss and getting to my ultimate goal faster!  Woo Hoo.

Yep!  That's a good thing.

I'm all out of words for now but, as always, I'll keep you ...

'posted'!  ;-)

Why?

Today a co-worker asked me, "Why do you want to run a marathon ... ANY type of marathon - long distance, short distance ... ANY distance?"

I said, "I don't know ... I just wanna'."

As the day has gone on I have contemplated her simple and sincere question.  My answer remains the same ... I really don't know ...

I just wanna'.

Seriously - it's not like I've held onto a lifelong dream of crossing a finish line, of ripping through tape, of cheering crowds and whoops and hollars (well hold it - that seems kinda cool now that I stop to think about it ... )  lol

But seriously ... I am not a "has been" exercise/running enthusiast who is itching to get back to my glory days.  There are no athletic glory days in my past.  Granted - when I was in elementary school and on into what we called Jr. High (now most kids refer to this as middle school) I did LOVE running ... but even then I loved only short distances ... sprints.  I was quick back then -- and it wasn't until long legged Lydia Watson started at Manor that I actually had competition.  I was a quick short kid and I won races (such as we had them at a little private school).  But I've always preferred a quick 50 yard dash or a 4 person relay.  Long distance has never been my thing.  It still isn't.

When I got into high school I pretty much shriveled up socially after leaving Manor (I went from being an "it" girl in 9th grade to becoming a total "has been" by 10th! ha).  I would've enjoyed running short distances still and would've enjoyed softball and basketball ... maybe even volleyball ... but I wouldn't/didn't try out.  Too shy.  I tried out for the cheerleading squad (I had been head cheerleader at my previous school).  When I "only" made the lettergirl squad I had my mom call and get me off of that because I wasn't satisfied with being a lettergirl ... it was cheerleader or nothing for me.  How silly.  How immature.  How vain. 

Hindsight is, once again, 20/20, ey??

Soooo - now here I am ... 47 years of age.  Training for a marathon?  A 5K?  Longer maybe?  Why?

I dunno.

I just wanna'.

It's not for anybody else - it's for me. 

I need a little bit more of a reason because running seems boring to me everyday when I go out to train.  It is a mind game ... and I want to come up with more of a personal incentive to achieve this goal.

But I will.

Because ...

I just wanna'.

That's all for today ... and as always - I'll keep you ~

'posted' ...  ;-)

10 Running Rules to Remember | Active.com

10 Running Rules to Remember Active.com

8 Killer Ab Exercises | Active.com

8 Killer Ab Exercises Active.com

It's Official - TRAINING DAY #1

Today I officially began my training ... I am training for a 5K AND (possibly - the jury's out) an "Aflac Irongirl Triathlon" in Georgia.  The 5K is a go (still determining location/date - but somewhere in California the latter part of this year and sometime in the spring of 2011).  The Irongirl in Georgia is up in the air due to a few variables -- date, time, location, travel and sign-up expense, weather. 

Anyway - all that aside - I started this morning.  I did a 20 minute run/walk, followed by 10 push-ups, 20 sit-ups and 30 squats.  I have a long way to go but I have come a long way since I started my weight loss journey a little over 7 mos. ago. 

I have exactly 25 pounds to go to reach my personal goal weight of 125 pounds ... this morning I actually saw 149 on the scale but the second time I got on it (I always have to weigh twice for whatever reason??) it was back at 150.  I should've stuck with the one time weigh today!  (ha)

Okay - so that's it for today.  The "journey" has begun.  I can already see myself crossing that finish line for my first 5K.  That will just be the beginning ... the best is yet to come!

And as always, on this journey, I will keep YOU ...

posted!  ;-)

5K Training - Post 3 "Why You Should Schedule Sleep" | Active.com

Why You Should Schedule Sleep Active.com

5K Training - Post 1

What is the best way to train for a 5k for a beginner?

If you are a beginner and someone who has never run before, the best way to get started is to use the run-walk method introduced by the great Olympian: Jeff Galloway. The 5k run-walk method is the most popular method for a beginner to successfully train for a 5k.

5K RUN: 7-Week Training Schedule for Beginners

By Mayo Clinic staff

• Are you thinking about participating in a 5K (kilometer) run? Preparing for a race is a great way to add challenge to your fitness routine.
• A 5K run is 3.1 miles. To prepare for the run, consider using this 7-week training schedule, created by Olympian Jeff Galloway. If you prefer a slower pace, substitute walking for running. On days in which you choose between resting and walking, the length of the walk is up to you.

7-WEEK TRAINING SCHEDULE

WEEK 1:       

On run/walk days, walkers walk only.   Runners run for 15 seconds/walk for 45 seconds.

MON:          Run/walk 30 minutes

TUES:          Walk 30 minutes

WED:           Run/walk 30 minutes

THURS:       Walk 30 minutes

FRI:              Rest

SAT:             Run/walk 3 miles (4.8 km)

SUN:             Rest/walk

WEEK 2:

On run/walk days, walkers walk only. Runners run for 15 seconds/walk for 45 seconds.

MON:          Run/walk 30 minutes

TUES:          Walk 30 minutes

WED:           Run/walk 30 minutes

THURS:       Walk 30 minutes

FRI:             Rest

SAT:            Run/walk 3.5 miles (5.6 km)

SUN:           Rest/walk

 

WEEK 3:

On run/walk days, walkers walk only. Runners run for 20 seconds/walk for 40 seconds.

MON:          Run/walk 30 minutes

TUES:          Walk 30 minutes

WED:           Run/walk 30 minutes

THURS:       Walk 30 minutes

FRI:              Rest

SAT:             Run/walk 2 miles (3.2 km) with Magic Mile*

SUN:             Rest/ walk

WEEK 4:

On run/walk days, walkers walk only. Runners run for 20 seconds/walk for 40 seconds.

MON:           Run/walk 30 minutes

TUES:           Walk 30 minutes

WED:            Run/walk 30 minutes

THURS:        Walk 30 minutes

FRI:               Rest

SAT:              Run/walk 4 miles (6.4 km)

SUN:              Rest/walk

WEEK 5

On run/walk days, walkers walk only. Runners run for 25 seconds/walk for 35 seconds.

MON:            Run/walk 30 minutes

TUES:            Walk 30 minutes

WED:             Run/walk 30 minutes

THURS:         Walk 30 minutes

FRI:                Rest

SAT:               Run/walk 2 miles (3.2 km) with Magic Mile*             

SUN:               Rest/walk

WEEK 6

On run/walk days, walkers walk only. Runners run for 25 seconds/walk for 35 seconds.

MON:            Run/walk 30 minutes

TUES:            Walk 30 minutes

WED:             Run/walk 30 minutes

THURS:         Walk 30 minutes

FRI:                Rest

SAT:               Run/walk 4.5 miles (7.2 km)

SUN:               Rest/walk

 

WEEK 7

On run/walk days, walkers walk only. Runners run for 30 seconds/walk for 30 seconds.

MON:           Run/walk 30 minutes 

TUES:           Walk 30 minutes

WED:            Run/walk 30 minutes

THURS:        Walk 30 minutes

FRI:               Rest

SAT:              5K run

SUN:             Rest/ walk

CREDIT: Galloway, J. Jeff Galloway's 5K/10K Running. Aachen, Germany: Meyer & Meyer Sport; 2008:38. Used with permission.

  

*

The Magic Mile is a training tool designed to help you find a realistic race pace. On the first Magic Mile, warm up as usual ~ then run or walk one mile (1,600 meters) slightly faster than your normal pace. Time your one-mile run/walk with a stopwatch. Run or walk easily the rest of the distance assigned for the day. On each successive Magic Mile, warm up as usual — then try to beat your previous one-mile run/walk time. Your 5K race pace should be one to two minutes slower than your fastest Magic Mile time

Information/excerpts found in this post are from the following websites:

• http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/5k-run/SM00061
• http://www.half-marathon-running.com/5K-training.html

My contribution was simply exercising my REtyping skill!  (lol)   ALL info. in this blog is retyped especially for y-o-u but alas, sadly, none of this was written by yours truly!

The Stages of Change (copied from a Livestrong e-mail)

The Stages of Change:  Understanding Your Motivation

Overview

People often expect to make changes in their lives quickly. "I'll go to the gym five times a week," they say, or "It's no big deal to cut out sugar." And then reality hits, the fatigue sets in and the cookies start calling from the cupboards. Whether it's starting a new exercise program, learning communication skills or a career transition, understanding how change works can help you find and maintain your motivation.

Six Stages of Change

According to University of Rhode Island researchers James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente, there are six stages of change: pre-contemplation is the mindset before you even think about making a change; contemplation is the stage in which you start to think about making a change; preparation is the stage during which you start to get ready for a change; action is when you are in the midst of changing; maintenance is remaining consistent with your new behaviors; and relapse (which people tend not to realize is one of the stages of change) is falling back on former behaviors.

Planning for Change

To best set yourself up for lasting change, there are several things for which you can plan. Gathering resources and information about the change you want to incur can put you on the path to success. Asking yourself what in your life will need to look different and what are the specific steps you need to reach your goal will help as well. Getting really detailed and breaking your goal into the smallest objectives possible is a great way to ensure being less overwhelmed with the process.

Stage Shifting

Once you figure out where you are in the stages of change, think about what you might need to transition from one stage to the other. Maybe you've been exercising with regularity, but the flu set you back two weeks so your new habit has suffered a setback. How will you get yourself back to your regimen? Taking a step back and an objective assessment of where you are can help you refocus on what you need to budge. It doesn't have to be a big thing that gets you going, because solid change usually comes from a gradual process.

Relapse

It is completely normal to lapse into former behaviors. If you notice that you've slipped, instead of beating yourself up, consider relapse as an opportunity to examine what helped you succeed and what were your blockades. Coming up with a new plan to address obstacles, whether they are old or new, may give you the adjustment you need to dive back into your new behavior.

Support

Rarely do people make it through changes without support. Look at the people, institutions and environments in which you interact and ask yourself which are helpful and which may be detrimental to you. Setting your sights on positive influences and asking for help will assist you in your new behaviors. No doubt, if you have the bug, you can do it alone; but why struggle when there are likely many people just like you with whom you can share the efforts of the challenge and the celebrations of success?

*Thanks to livestrong.com for this article in my e-mail this morning!  For more information go to:  http://www.livestrong.com/article/22794-stages-change-understanding-motivation/?utm_source=junenewsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=100629#ixzz0sGckGOmB

YOU are HERE ...

I feel like I spent the entire evening in bed last night tossing and turning.  I am certain I actually DID sleep at some point because I can remember vivid dreams about adventure racing (of course yours truly was the adventurer!- ha) - but I feel sooo unbelievably tired today nonetheless!!

My brain has been mulling over a bazillion ideas in an effort to more specifically define what I want out of this life! 

• Who am I and what exactly do I want?  (Great book with a similar title written by Shad Hemstetter by the way ... but I digress!).  ;-)
• What are my personal dreams, goals, aspirations?
• What do I want to accomplish with the rest of my time on this earth?
• How can I reach out to others and positively impact this world while at the same time fulfilling my own personal dreams (in other words - how can I balance out becoming my best self without becoming so self-centered I don't make a positive mark on this earth while I'm here)?
• How do I want my life to change (what does my life's blueprint look like following Roux en Y surgery) once I achieve my personal weight loss goals?
• How do I see exercise playing an active (pardon the pun) role in my lifestyle now?
• How am I going to assure myself that exercise and fitness become a part of my life from here on out and that adding exercise right now isn't a temporary means to an end that will fade into the background once I reach my "ultimate" goal weight?
• Is there any career that I could get into (i.e. personal training, freelance writing, etc.) that would enable me to fully embrace this new healthy lifestyle so much that it becomes deeply engrained in everything I do - as opposed to it being a temporary endeavor?
• What do I want to do adventure/endurance racing wise?  I want to define this - to nail it down!
• What type of activity(ies) do I - me, myself & I - personally & genuinely enjoy?  What might I like to do that incorporates movement and exercise and endurance while at the same time being something I would stick with over the long term?
• Once I have determined that I want to compete in a marathon, or a triathlon, or a bike-a-thon .... etc., what charity would I like to become involved in?  I would like to be driven to succeed with a fundraising goal and charity at the forefront of my endeavor(s).  What does that look like?  What group do I feel a deep passion for?

I am trying to be very specific as I go through the process of naming what it is I want to accomplish.  If I can't name it I can't claim it.  [I absolutely LOVE that saying!] 

I am working hard to decide what it is I am willing to dedicate my time and effort to bring about positive change.  I want to decide what my overall objective is?  I think if I really have a purpose for setting out to do something (i.e. - running a marathon, a triathlon, exercising with a personal trainer, etc.) my follow-through will be better because each time I slip on sneakers and get going it will be a step closer to achieving my goal.  I need to know what that goal (those goals!) truly are.

One thing I know for sure - I do not want this process in any way to be an attempt to reach someone else's dream of what my life should look like.  At the same time - I don't want to be so self-centered that I fail to positively impact other's around me. 

I am learning that I TOTALLY LOVE to see people happy and excited and achieving their dreams and goals!!  I love it when others are jubilant over their personal accomplishments!!  I felt an unbelievable amount of joy watching those Ironman participants crossing their finish lines yesterday!!  I've never done drugs but that must be what a natural high feels like ...

I swear - it REALLY made me HAPPY to see them so proud of their accomplishments.  I was somewhat surprised at how GREAT it felt every time one of the athletes crossed the finish line.  It brought me JOY!  How can I incorporate this type of experience into my every day life? 

In what way might I be able to change my career so that it fits into the over all picture of my personal best?  What type of endurance racing do I want to get involved with?  (This question truly is a matter of what, not if now!  :-)

Truth be told though - I have never pictured myself the type to participate actively in sports but I would love to bring awareness to a cause like optic nerve damage - something that I have a personal connection to because of Daniel.

I have found that, when I go to look at marathons and triathlons to compete/participate on behalf of a "cause" - the issue of optic nerve damage/stem cell research in this area/optic nerve regeneration, etc. ... it is practically non-existent.  And THIS is the one cause I can tell would get me busy!!!

I find myself wondering:  How will my son ever be able to regain his vision if no emphasis is being placed on this one cure we have been told has not been "invented" yet but could potentially help restore vision ... an optic nerve transplant!?

I am certain that my boy is not the only one in this world who suffered an illness at a young age that caused brain swelling resulting in permanent optic nerve damage and vision loss.  Where are the others out there?  This issue needs to be brought out and if not me ... then who??

Maybe I'm the one to do it ...

It seems huge and way beyond me but ... everybody has a cause.  I'm out to find mine.

As always - as I'm searching - I'll keep you ...

posted

"You Are An Ironman!" :-) WOOT WOOT!

I have a dream!


I have several dreams after following Ironman Couer d'Alene throughout the day!  I have truly been inspired & motivated to be a BETTER, stronger, braver ME!  :-)  The racers today have no idea how much they inspired someone they have never met!  I am thankful!

The pride and ecstacy on the faces of the race participants was so awesome!  To know they were challenging themselves - they were reaching for personal goals.  What I wouldn't give to know each and every one of their stories?!! 

Each and every participant = INCREDIBLE!

If I could do one thing (besides get in shape enough to participate in and complete an endurance race of this magnitude for myself) - I would love an opportunity to talk with most (if not all) race participants in at least one Ironman race!  I'm sure the stories behind the racers would be astonishing - to say the least!  People from all walks of life, with varying backgrounds - ranging from the fittest to formerly the fattest ... giving it their all, marching to their own drum and achieving a personal goal. 

I am fascinated (in case you haven't noticed!). 

What a great day ~ I'm proud for each and every person who set out today and I am now hooked ... I hope my future is full of a whole hecka' bunch of Ironman stuff!!!!!!!

Woo Hoo!!!

Of People and Pimples ...

Question of the Day:

“If a person who normally has a clear/flawless complexion wakes up one morning with a pimple on their chin … what do you think they will focus on? The flawless complexion they have “most days” or one annoying pimple “that day” ??

Hold that thought ... we’ll come back to it …

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I just got to thinking about something and thought I’d write about it.  I wrote a poem off the cuff yesterday - just as a way of relaxing, unwinding, putting down my thoughts. Writing poetry has to be one of my favorite things in the world. It comes easy to me, it’s fun, it’s satisfying and I enjoy it immensely!

Usually, when I sit down to write a poem for the “heck of it” - it’s like taking one of those “flashcard ink blot psych tests” that you’ve probably seen on television.  A card is flashed and you say the first thing that pops into your head. I hardly ever think out my poems ahead of time. I will start with one opening line and then usually write the entire poem (or blog) from start to finish. It’s easiest that way and is my way of putting down everything that is on my mind at that moment. Many times I find out what exactly IS on my mind by writing a poem or journaling without pausing to edit, etc.

Sometimes, however, I will get to the end of my writing and even I am surprised at what I have written! (ha) Often times I’m okay with what’s there but on occasion I will feel the need to go back and edit because if I post it publically (for example – in this blog), I question whether something I put in the writing might cause another who reads it to be hurt or angry. Many times I think in terms of family members or my ex-husband, or former friends from previous churches. Some have stayed in contact and know both me and my ex. If someone happens to click on a link to this blog from , say my Facebook page, will they read something and be upset as a result?

On the one hand – if someone is upset by my honesty - the beauty of a blog is … the “ESC” key. Nobody is being forced to read my writings. On the other hand, I sincerely don’t want to intentionally hurt anybody’s feelings with an “I don’t care – it’s all about me” attitude.

I feel I have been pretty transparent in previous writings in stating that the ending of that marriage was not one sided … I don’t blame him for everything ~ I don't blame myself for everything.  Usually I blame myself for the bulk of things because I am hard on myself about the divorce and my failure to accomplish something I always believed was supposed to be “forever”. However, when I cut myself some slack and think in terms of the entire 19 years we were together – if I look at the totality of the relationship and not just those months at the end when I was "over it" -- I realize the “blame” falls on both of us.

But seriously - after being divorced over 10 years now – why does any “blame” need to be placed at all? It is OVER.  Bottom line is … nobody’s thinking about this anymore. It’s MY history and it’s MY past. I keep bringing it up and it’s time to stop.

OK – so now back to my initial "pimple" question.  If someone with normally flawless skin awakens with a pimple on their chin, my guess is that, 9 times out of 10, the blemish takes the forefront and the focus is not on the normally flawless complexion.

Why is this? Human nature? A pessimistic personality? An ongoing habit of looking at the glass half full?

Whatever the case may be, I have decided over the past few years that I have paid attention to a few blemishes for far too long. Many blogs and poems have subtle hints regarding my feelings/obsession with the failure of my first marriage, I subtly (maybe not so subtly?) refer to hateful church members in my past for whom I am obviously still holding a grudge and holding on with bitterness to the memory of their actions.

The pimples of my past are those times that I have failed myself and/or have felt that others have failed me.  And you know - there is no “Pro-Active” skin formula that I can apply in 3 easy steps to clear up the blemishes.  However, I do find the name of that skincare apropos as I write this blog today.

I must be PROACTIVE and change my focus. The past, my past, is in THE past. Or it should be … it could be. But I dredge it up every now and again and I’m not sure why.

Do I constantly feel the need to explain to people that there’s a reason my marriage failed?  Do I need to make excuses for why I don't attend church now?  Do I feel the need for affirmation that I’m okay the way I am?

Maybe that's been the way I've been operating but honestly - when I look at this - I'm tired of my own negativity - putting former church members, my former spouse, and/or myself - down.

The past is behind me.  It’s over. There were good times, there were bad times. I made some good choices, I made some bad choices. There were some wonderful church members met along the way and there were some church members that I personally believe will be hot after they die (ummm - so much for not being judgmental?) ...

People aren't perfect but such is life.  I'm not perfect either (newsflash!).  ;-)

Life has its ups and downs, its pros and cons, its goods and bads, its positives and negatives. There are good people, there are bad people. There are people who make good choices and people who make bad choices. There are people who say they’re sorry and there are people who could simply care less.

WHO am I? WHAT do I focus on? I do have a choice as to how I focus my thoughts and where I place my attention.

For each of us - our past decisions, choices, behaviors will have consequences – we cannot escape that. Our consequences may be positive or they may be negative dependent on the actions involved as we make and live out our choices.  We cannot shirk our responsibility for our own – especially if they weren’t good actions – and place blame on a former church member or a former ex-spouse or a former whoever ... you fill in the blank with someone you feel has wronged you.

For myself - I do not want to place blame anywhere any longer.  I want to, instead, adjust my focus and think on better things!  I will FOCUS more on the ups, the pros, the goods, the positives. The rest? I need to learn from, forgive, move forward – and put the past where it belongs:  in the past.

History has a way of repeating itself if we don’t truly acknowledge our past mistakes and if we do not accept responsibility for them. Dr. Phil always says, “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” On the flipside (another Phil-ism coming), "We can change what we do acknowledge."

I believe there is always room for change, for improvement, for forgiveness, for healing, for new beginnings.

We take ourselves with us wherever we go so we may as well be honest – with ourselves and with others. My big thing is wanting everybody to like me and I have come to the realization that – if I am myself and if I am transparent – inevitably someone might not like me.  They might not like me on the whole - or they may just not be happy with a decision I make, an opinion I voice, a blog I post.  Can I accept that people won’t always agree with my opinions, my feelings, my blog, my poetry.

Hmmm – ya know what? Yes, yes I can accept that!  I do not want to hurt anyone – that is not my intention. I’ll try to be sensitive to others' feelings while at the same time remaining true to my own.

And as to that pimple – yeah, it’s there – and it’s annoying. But the rest of my face looks pretty good at almost 47 years of age so ya know … I’ll dab a little toothpaste on that zit before I go to bed tonight and ... we’ll call it good!

Until next time … as always … I’ll keep you ~

... posted …

For My Fireman Friend ...

"It's time for a poem," I said to myself.

"Hmmm - what should I rhyme about?
There's nothing too 'newsy' in life at this time,"
But then ... I figured it out.

I decided to share some things on my mind
That have to do with "dreams"
For far too long I've pushed them aside
And they were forgotten ... it seems.

Ahhhh - yes my goals, my aspirations,
These I should pen on my pad
It's been a while since I've been in touch
With many a dream I had.

When I was a young girl ~ say twelve or thirteen ~
There were so many visions of me
I would one day become a wife and a mom
To beautiful children three!

My prince would arrive on a white horse (of course)
My knight in the shiniest of armour
He'd sweep me off to greater lands
I didn't care if he was preacher or farmer!

A preacher he was and the dream underway ~
Now I just had to wait for the kids.
I was young and naive but thought I knew it all
I was ready for marital bliss.

Well, schooling came first (understandably so)
Then the preacher took on his first flock.
I sat on the sidelines and waited until
I could wear a maternity smock!

That time finally came and a good time it was
First a daughter, then the two little guys
Life moved forward with our family complete
But the church helped us meet our demise.

The hatred I felt from the flocks that he led
Led me down a crooked path oh so gory
The "long story short" is we got a divorce
But ... that's not the end of my story.

Though I said "Ne'er again" - a new prince arrived
(This time he wore fireman shirts)
I thought he was "cute" and he seemed to be good
But ... I didn't want any more "hurts".

So I remained distant (though we became friends)
... Over time this man earned my respect.
I started to fall ... though I tried to resist
This man I had met on the net!

It's now been several since we met the first time
And my best friend in life's he's become
I'm happy that I didn't give up on true love
For my Fireman Friend is the one.

And as to my dreams - well, I'm wakening again
Full of visions once deep in my soul
There is sooo much in store and I just cannot wait
To accomplish each one of my goals!


*I love you, my Forever Fireman Friend*
xoxo <3

Ummm ... ouch*

So I'm going to try to be a bit more disciplined writing in this blog as I begin to really focus on the fitness side of my weight loss journey.  My objective is to document in a detailed manner the sheer torture of this experience so that I can fully appreciate the day that I can walk again!  (ha)

Let me explain:  Recently, I won a drawing for fitness training at a gym in Redding:  CrossFit.  CrossFit is pretty cool and they are turning out some very fit athletes! 

Woo Hoo, right?!  ;-)   Sure, yeah ... whatevuh!  (lol)

My first one-on-one training session was Tuesday evening @ 5:30 p.m.  I was cautiously optimistic and eager to get started.  I am not certain what exactly I was expecting.  I knew the training was going to consist of initial technique training ... how to properly lift, squat, press, etc.  I think I was figuring on about 1 hour of time from start to finish.  Ummm ...

Not.

I should've listened when I was forewarned that this particular trainer was - and I quote - a "beast".  How can something so tiny be a beast?  I remained cautiously optimistic.

THAT was my first mistake!  (ha)  Our first hour was spent on technique/skill training and that I was expecting.  In fact, I would have to say the upper body training was not bad at all - I was taught how to properly lift and press and stretch using a PVC pipe in place of a regular barbell.  Piece o' cake!

It was when this gal began to work with me on the proper technique for squatting.  Ohhhh man - the first few were okay.  BUT - when I had to start squatting and staying down in position so the gal could properly adjust my foot placement, where my thighs were, etc., THIS is when the burn started.  I don't know how many squats I did (I stopped counting at 4,358! ha ... okay, maybe THAT's a slight exaggeration??) ;-) ... but for a person who hasn't squatted for years ... 5 squats would've been too many at that point in time.  Let me just say -- there were WAYYYYY more than five.  sigh*)

After almost a full hour of this training, skinny girl says, "Okay Rebecca ... let's take a quick break.  I have to go to the bathroom and I'd like you to get some water.  I want you to be well hydrated when we begin your ...

WORKOUT!"

Ummmmmmm ......

HUH?  WHAT?  I chuckle and she looks at me strange?  "What?" (I think) ... "You are not joking?"  Quickly it is apparent ... nope, she's NOT joking???  Oh PUULEEEZZZZEEE God - this HAS to be a joke?!

I am about to collapse.  I'm not kidding you.  My legs were singing the J-E-L-L-O jingle.  They were quivering ...

But this was no joke.  She walks into the bathroom and I must admit -- I immediately looked for the nearest exit door that wasn't blocked by fit freaks.  I planned my route ... could I grab my purse from the cubby and make it to the exit undetected BEFORE she had a chance to wipe?

Sadly, no.  Not only does this chick run fast ... she goes to the bathroom too fast.  Shoot!  Plan A:  Foiled.  :-(

The WOD (Workout Of the Day) for me consisted of their 10,20,30,40 plan:  10 push-ups followed by 20 sit-ups, followed by 30 (more!) squats (WHAAAAT?????), followed by a 400 m. (the equivalent of once around a high school track) run. 

My mind instantly went into panic mode.  I was fighting off the voice screaming, "I can't, I can't" ... I was trying to pull from deeeeep within ... I honestly felt like I had nothing more to give.  The push-ups and the sit-ups?  Maybe.  But the squats followed by any type of run?  I just didn't see it within reach. 

Went I went in to the gym I tried to be positive and explain in a non-defeatest way that I was very much a beginner ... having not been a regular attender to a gym for 10 years.  Even when I did attend regularly it was to an all women's gym where my focus was primarily on some nautilus equipment and mostly an aerobics and/or step class.  This gym format is new to me -- more of a military combat style using free weights, bands, barbells, ropes, etc.  It is an intense level fitness center.  As they would say, they are "hardcore".

It's great - don't get me wrong.  These are serious work out enthusiasts ... and I am in awe of their discipline, their muscles, their stamina.  I truly am.

But for myself?  I DO want to walk when all is said and done.  (ha)

When skinny chick came out from the bathroom - I was still there (she was probably as surprised as I!).  :-)  I did the push-ups (such as mine were compared to her example), I did the sit-ups ... those were actually okay ... but the 30 additional squats?  Those were very difficult for me to finish - which was disheartening because she stood over me with stopwatch in hand and I knew my efforts were being recorded from start to finish.  I'm sure that's good - it would be great to look back in several months to see where my efforts have taken me.  But I have no plans to join this gym once this free "fundamentals training" is completed.  It was a great drawing to win but we have a family membership through my work that covers every family member for 1/2 the price that this particular gym charges for one individual.  It is not only not feasible for me - but it's not practical for my family, nor is it necessary. 

I am sincerely trying to determine my ultimate fitness goals for me as an individual.  I am toying with the idea of eventually competing in a marathon - and even toying with the idea of taking that one step further and competing in a traiathlon.  These are goals I am thinking I might want to achieve.  What I am sincerely trying to determine is whether or not I must start out at this level intensity to eventually be able to accomplish the goals I just listed ... or if, as I'm suspecting, she is pushing too fast out the gate.  I am all for a challenge and I expect to be uncomfortable and even in some pain initially commencing with a new program. 

However, I have to say - I didn't feel "listened" to by this trainer.  She was young, she was eager, she was enthusiastic.  But she didn't listen to me.  I wasn't making excuses - I was being honest.  If I felt she was trying to push me and that I just wasn't willing to give my best - that would be one thing.  I think a good trainer can see in us what sometimes we cannot see in ourselves. 

This isn't the case.  I do not think she had the wisdom to realize limitations and the red flag to me is that I didn't feel the "comfort chemistry" that I think is necessary between a trainer and trainee.  BOTH need to be able to express where they are and feel listened to.  My feelings were ignored.  I think she pushed too hard.  I really do.

When it came time to go outside and do my run and I (honest to God) went to lift my leg and start a subtle jog - my left leg totally gave way.  I almost fell - I hobbled and locked my knee to keep from going down.  It shook and gave way again once I had steadied myself.  I turned and said, "I will be walking this 400 meter."  I don't think she was too impressed but she nodded affirmatively and I turned and finished the 400 meters at a walking pace.  All the while she had that stop watch in the palm of her hand held upright so I could see it.  If that was supposed to make me move faster it would've ... if I could've.

At the moment I turned back to finish the 400 m., I felt a new understanding of how obese individuals felt on "The Biggest Loser."   My trainer did not scream in my face at all -- but the individuals on that show who are also new to fitness routines are subjected to Jillian Michaels getting right up in their faces - screaming at them not to quit, to dig deeper, etc.  If Jillian had been with me this past Tuesday she would've definitely been screaming in my face ... she probably would've wanted to slap me.  I might have been one of those contestants flying off the back of the treadmill! 

In hindsight - I do feel like I gave it my all on Tuesday night.  I'm looking back and asking myself, "Did you wimp out?  Could you have given more? ... Be Honest Now!" 

Wellll - I didn't wimp out.  It's possible that skinny girl saw more in me than I saw in myself but I physically could not get my legs to jog.  Even walking I felt like I had to lock my knees to keep them from giving way. 

If it wasn't happening to yours truly even I might've looked on and chuckled.  But - it WAS happening to me and ... it wasn't so funny then!  :-)

Suffice it to say, by the time I got into my car to leave I was uncertain whether or not I would have strength enough in my foot to apply pressure to the gas pedal.  Once I was successful in that feat I was all the more thankful I had an automatic car and didn't have to use the other foot for the clutch.

I made it home and tried not to let on too much.  I took some Tylenol this morning at 3am!  (Yes, really.)

My next session is tomorrow night ... and will I go?

I will keep you .....

... posted

(because luckilly - TYPING - uses my fingers ... NOT my lower extremeties.  From my thighs down there is a sign that reads, "OUT OF ORDER" - so that's the explanation for it if you see me at the mall later!)

To Touch a Toe!

TODAY 

I, Rebecca Dahlen, can touch my toes with complete and total ease!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If you're new to reading my blog, the above "proclamation" may not seem like a big deal but ... trust me.  It is a big deal. 

To me.

It marks my new beginning.  "Touch My Toes" was the first of many new dreams ... it is the preface to setting, reaching for and achieving MANY dreams to come! 

At 47 years of age I finally realized:  You just have to start with ONE dream!  It ALL starts with one!  :-)  When you begin to work toward believing in and achieving one dream ... [when you acknowledge within yourself that you - and you alone - had the guts to go for it] ... and when you ACHIEVE that dream - your confidence is boosted. 

You dare to dream again. 
     To dream bigger. 
           To dream without fear, without limits, without hesitation!

As you may know (or if you are new to this blog - as you are about to learn), just a little over 7 mos. ago I underwent gastric bypass surgery - Roux en Y.  Prior to the decision to radically alter my body and lifestyle, I had stopped believing in my personal dream[s]. 

Scratch that.  Truth be told - not only had I stopped believing in my dreams ... I couldn't even remember what those dreams were. 

I didn't really care that I could no longer touch my toes, that I couldn't get out of bed without the soles of my feet throbbing, that I could not walk ANY distance (flat ground or hilly) without become instantly winded, that I was completely self-conscious and embarrassed in public with regard to my physical appearance, that my wedding ring had long been placed in a locked jewelry box because I couldn't get it over my knuckle - let alone in its final resting place snug past my knuckle upon my ring finger. 

But the moment that I rose from a plastic chair at Shasta College and saw a large round sweat mark left in the place of where my backside had been - THAT was my defining "final straw" moment!

It looked as though I'd pee'd in my chair when I rose and went to push the chair back under the table.  And someone - a student who had entered the room for the next class - was coming toward me to sit in that same chair.  My chair with the puddle ... My "puddle pee" chair.

Of course I hadn't pee'd and no, it wasn't a puddle.  But it was a large round sweat spot.  Left by me ... because I was so heavy that I sweat when I sat too long.  My body overheated.  It was September in Redding, CA.  Yes, it's still warm in September but sweat puddle in the chair warm?  I think not.

I dropped my class the day after I pushed my sweat spot chair in.  I quit.  To those who knew me I quit because I couldn't hack statistics (partly true).  But to me - in my deepest self - I quit because I was embarrassed.  I was humiliated.  I was ashamed of me. 

I wasn't a quitter.  But I quit.

For many individuals contemplating a major life change such as gastric bypass - their decision to have the surgery is preceeded by what I defined above as a "final straw" moment.  Something happens that causes the person to reach that ultimate "AH-HA" (aka: "UH-OH") moment! 

It's a wake up call.  A jarring incident.  As if having been in a deep slumber while their body and their self-control slipped away - the person has an event that awakens them from their sleep ... that captures their attention.

Something deep inside of me fought to change.  The idea that I would quit because I sweat too much? 

WHAT? 

While my feelings closest to the surface were screaming, "You are a failure,"  You will never change,"  "It's too late for you,"  "You're going to be 50 yrs. soon - who are you trying to kid?" -- something deeper inside said:

"Yes!  Becky, you CAN DO THIS!!  YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!  WHAT DO YOU WANT?  Name it!  Claim It.  It is simply a matter of determining HOW BADLY YOU WANT TO CHANGE and WHAT specifically you want to achieve!"

I could hear a sincere longing in myself rising to the surface.  It was simply me asking myself WHAT I wanted ... and why did I believe I couldn't achieve whatever that was? 

Nobody else was saying, 'You can't.'  It was my own self saying, "No" ... to me. 

Isn't that ridiculous?  WHY in the world would I defeat my own self?  Well, I decided I would not.

So -- I am VERY happy to report that I bypassed those surface negative feelings and I latched on to the deeper dream.  I intentionally tuned out the static - the "noise" of the "no's" and I listened to my still small voice that said, simply,

"yes"


I had temporarily given up on dreaming:  Of dreaming of ever being at - or even remotely close to - my personal goal weight, dreaming that one day I would walk and talk at the same time again, dreaming that I could swim, run, play, wear shorts, sit in a class sweatless (ha).

Dreaming that I could touch my toes.

So - though my dream paled in comparison to Martin Luther King, Jr.'s -- I had a dream.

Literally I dreamed OUTLOUD, "I will one day be able to touch my toes."

THEN - I contacted a local bariatric surgeon and asked them to send me paperwork regarding their gastric bypass surgery.  I received the paperwork, filled it out and it was submitted to my insurance.  Within 3 weeks I received a form letter from the surgeon's office and it began with, "We are sorry to inform you ..."

I had been denied.

I decided to be "optimistic" - and chose to believe that it was a good thing that I had been denied.  I would, instead, be forced to work this weight off on my own.  I was sharing this with a co-worker who said, "Don't give up - contact your insurance ... get their advice as to who they would approve - who they would recommend.  Don't take one no as a final answer." 

After work that day I did just that.  I contacted my insurance and asked for their advice.  The first rep wasn't too helpful so after our conversation ended I called back - realizing that I'd probably get somebody new on the next call.  And I did.  And SHE was great!!  She put me on hold and when she came back on the line a few minutes later she told me that our insurance had a history of approving surgeries done with a Dr. Edward Felix in Fresno, CA.  "How far is that from where you live?" she asked me.

I told her that would not be too far at all!

(Hey, what's a 5+ hour drive for surgery?!  ha)

And the rest, as "they" say, is history.  I contacted Dr. Felix's office and began the process.  Seven months post-op I can say that pursuing that dream was one of the best decision I ever made.  Prior to my authorization I determined that I wanted to one day be able to touch my toes again.

Dream #1.

Achieved.

Next dream is in the making -- and, as always, I'll keep you ...

Posted!  :-)

Before, During and ... ('After' will be coming in 28 more pounds)

'TIS Better to Have Loved and Lost" ...

Throughout the day I have been thinking more about the question, “Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?” and I finally realized I do now know what I think on that one. However, the way I arrived at my conclusion is different than you might expect. I didn’t really reach my conclusion because of a relationship with a “significant other”.

I do believe it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all because …

Well, there are a few reasons and only one remotely has anything to do with an actual relationship I’ve been in with a significant other. The first has to do with Ivy … losing her has been harder than any loss and the only other time I can recall feeling so much pain is when I heard my brother and sister-in-law [a person who to me had been a “sister” since I was 7 years old] were divorcing.

Anyway – I digress …

I have had three or four significant losses in my lifetime … 1) the break-up with a boy I “loved” when I was 14 yrs. old; 2) the relationship with my sister-in-law [not a death but a loss nonetheless and at the time I felt it was worse than a death because it wasn’t an accident – it was an intentional decision made to divorce and leave "our family"]; 3) my grandmother’s passing … my grandma who spoiled the heck out of me as far back as I can remember until the day she died; and, of course, most recently; 4) Ivy.

All of these were significant to me because … well, they just were. Who can explain why someone ends up holding such a strong place in your heart? Different people, different personalities dealing with different losses, different heartaches.

The break-up with my ex husband was a loss but I don’t look on that as a past heartache … I’m not sure why??  At the time it hurt severely and it left a huge void.  However, I didn’t even realize until after I had typed up the list above that this dark period didn’t make it to my "grief" list.  Wow - that's kinda' odd I guess.  Maybe it has something to do with things deteriorating over time to the point that I felt I was suffocating and would slowly but surely die.  Not a literal death ... but I felt as though everything having to do with the "real/authentic" me was dying of a terminal cancer eating away at my true self.  By the time our divorce was final I realize (in hindsight) that overall - through the pain - I felt more a sense of relief rather than regret.

Of the “losses” I have experienced in my life – each “player” meant something to me. The only relationship I wouldn’t want to “do-over” would be the break-up with a "boyfriend"@ age 14. Not only did that hurt … more importantly ~ when I look back now it isn’t the “hurt” from the loss of “love” that makes me regret “him” – it’s realizing in hindsight how being in such a “serious” relationship at such a young age affected and impacted my relationships with friends and family. I focused too much on being with him, talking to him, spending time with him. I let other relationships fall by the wayside. THAT is what I regret about that. Not so much the hurting part because I really felt I loved him and it was a learning experience (not to mention he was so damned cute and I had so much fun during that time in my life. Ha). But seriously, no way to know that it would be a relationship I wouldn’t have wanted until after it was over. Hindsight = 20/20. Sometimes you just don’t know. Is it still worth it? Yes. But I just wouldn’t do that one over.

All the others have been TOTALLY worth it – even though, at the end, there was deep hurt.

As to the relationship with my sister-in-law … I can remember how devastated I felt when I received a phone call from my mom telling me my brother was getting divorced. I felt like I’d been kicked in the gut. I literally got sick and I don’t get sick easily. When I hung up the phone I cried so much. I was over at my fiance's house and he totally didn’t get it. Days later he was like, “What? Is that STILL bothering you?” It bothers me even today … it really hurt. Even I have been surprised at how much their divorce affected me. As a result of those feelings I totally vowed I would never put my kids through that. And then … well then years later that’s exactly what I did. It made me see my brother's situation in a different perspective … it made me realize that people don’t always know the in’s/out’s of a relationship. I thought they copped out in their marriage.  BUT – there are always three sides to the story: His, Hers, and the Truth … somewhere in between, right? ;-)

Anyway – back then I can remember so vividly waking in the middle of the night, realizing the situation wasn’t a dream … that it was really happening … and I’d cry all over again. I was in my 2nd year of college and I totally bombed out -- flunked. I lost all interest in everything ~ I wanted to move back home. I kept hoping they’d work it out – get back together, patch things up, etc., etc. No such luck. I think back on that and realize I was experiencing grief. I didn’t know what that was but in hindsight again – I was grieving the loss of a relationship. I loved my sister-in-law but hated her at the same time.  I loved God, I hated God. Sooo many emotions. I loved my fiance but hated him as well because he just didn’t “get” why I couldn't get over the hurt sooner.

Do I wish I’d never known her? Ohhh no! There are SO many memories of her having such a positive impact in my life … I wouldn’t trade that time for anything.

During that time in college I really began to question my “relationship” (as I’d known it previously) with God. I doubted his existence because I felt no peace, I didn't feel listened to, I didn't see any miracle in my brother's relationship.  I felt alone and EVERYTHING about my relationship to God felt like it was changing/different.  He wasn't Who I'd always "envisioned" Him to be (probably my personal Genie or something?)  However, I didn't/wouldn’t allow myself to voice my questions and doubts aloud because I had become engaged to someone only one week prior to the divorce announcement and that someone was planning on eventually becoming a pastor.  I couldn’t be thinking about marrying a future preacher and admit to doubts about the very existence of my fiance's future boss, God Himself (ha). But inside – I began to question everything I had ever been taught about God, about prayer, goodness, justice, fairness and love.

As to the relationship with my grandma … I just felt sad for her. She was a few mos. – literally 2 mos. – away from her 90th b-day party. She had a stroke and things were sudden but she was elderly and sooo many times in recent months had talked about suicide. She said she was tired and that so many friends and relatives had passed and she was ready to go. For her I felt sorrow but again – more relief. I actually felt guilty for not shedding more tears but I guess I have this certainty that I will see her again and so the thing that hurts now isn’t the loss but the waiting period between the now and the later. I look forward to a reunion with her. I’m not sure what is in the “ever after” so I choose something really good – reunions! 

And – to deal with my emotions about Ivy – I believe my grandma is taking care of Ivy. I never knew whether or not I believed that animals had souls that pass on from here to eternity but I choose to believe that now. My dog Ivy was one in a million. She was such a dear friend to me and I cannot explain the grief I have felt with her being gone. I don’t know how long it will take me to stop checking for her in the window when I get home in the afternoon, to look to see if she’s on her pillow by my bed only to be reminded every morning that her pillow – and she– is no longer there. It’s really hard. It really hurts.

It doesn’t make sense. So many would say to me, “She’s a DOG for Christ’s sake.” Yes, but she was MY dog … and I loved her.

Realizing how much this hurts me (irregardless of the fact that she is my pet and not my human family member) – I have come to the conclusion that yes – even though this hurts – I would totally rather love and lose than never to have loved.

I also look at that question in regards to my children. Having kids was a risk … a BIG risk. I never looked at all the things that could happen to them OR how much I would love them – prior to their being born. But now? Wow – I cannot even imagine losing one of my kids. THAT would kill more than anything in this world.

But knowing there’s always the chance I’ll get “that” call – from a school here in Redding, from a school in Davis, from a CHP officer somewhere … who knows? It could happen today, tomorrow, years in the future. Who knows? Would I forego our times together … and these incredible relationships in love?

No way.

Then I think to future son/daughter’s in law. Realizing that relationships sometimes go sour … how do I accept one of my kids’ spouses with an open heart only to realize that someday the couple may part and separate? I’ve pondered this and decided I can keep the kids-in-law at bay from my heart “just in case” – I can keep grandkids at bay “just in case” … but do I want to live a life motivated by fear and the “what if’s” and miss out on all the joy that love, family, friends, relationships can bring? No. I will love their significant other with all my heart – hope they make it work – and deal with it and become stronger if I have to get through another “ouch”. You always come out of heart hurts stronger and with more understanding and compassion for other human beings.

Life is about the risk. There’s love and loss. We can choose to let someone in or push them away to be safe.

If we choose to not let others in the end result is guaranteed: We will be alone.

Safe from heartache? Perhaps. But loneliness is heartache in and of itself.


Ultimately - I don’t want to be alone. I don’t think we were put on the earth to be alone, lonely or afraid. I don’t know what comes after … all I’ve ever been taught may or may not be true. This may be all there is – nobody who’s gone on before us can really tell us … or at least nobody I’ve known that’s died has ever come back to report to me what the “truth” of the hereafter is.

For all I know – this is it. I don’t think so but … I do know there will eventually be an “end” to my time on this earth. That is a sure thing. (Unless the Baptist church was telling the truth and I will live to see a rapture take place … which would totally be cool … but Cinderalla was kind of a liar so I’m not pinning my hopes on the “happily ever after” scenario!)

However, at the end of my time on this earth I have decided that I SOOO don’t want to look back with regrets. So far, at almost 47 yrs. of age, I realize my regrets have more to do with what I haven’t done or didn’t do than what I have or did …

But I have a chance to change that – to go for it … to throw caution to the wind and say, “To hell with it – I may as well take my chances and hope for the best.”

What have I got to lose? Well … perhaps happiness to some extent … that’s a possibility. BUT – I’d rather have the ‘possibility’ of a loss of happiness than the ‘guarantee’ of a loss of happiness if I live daily alone and lonely and in fear.

So there you have it -- my two cents worth on whether or not I believe it’s better to have loved and lost. Life’s too short …

Use the GOOD china! ;-)

A Sad Day

This is what grief feels like.

I have felt it before but the weight of it tonight is unbelievably heavy on my heart.  Today we had to say goodbye to our dear friend and our beloved family pet, Ivy.

Ivy was born on May 1, 1994.  She came to live with us close to my 31st birthday a few months later in July.  From the time she became a part of our family until she drew her last breath this morning, Ivy was and remained a constant companion, a true friend, a beautiful little girl.  She was loyal, she was fiercely protective of her people, she was intuitive, gentle and a true gift.  She made me feel as though I was the most important person in the world and every time I walked in the door she showed so much happiness it would've seemed I'd been away on a trip for far too long.  Ohhhh - to only live up to being worthy of that much love and devotion.

Ivy was TRULY one of a kind.  I love her so much.

I don't know how long this grief will hang like a cloud ~ I think in time this sadness will be lifted by our warm and vivid memories of happier times with our girl.

I love you, Ivy.  I have from the first time I held you in my arms at Haven Humane when you rested on your back, soaking in the attention and showing us your sweet and gentle nature.  I will love you forever.

Thank you for being my friend, my companion, my little baby dog.  I believe someday I will see you again -- prancing about, "talking" in your own special way, snapping at honey bees and running away with your favorite burger in between your teeth - certain to keep us from getting it from you.  Wow -- you loved to play.

And we know that you know you were loved.  By every single member of our family - immediate and extended.  You brought to life the saying, "To know you is to love you."  EVERYONE who met you - loved you, Ivy. 

YOU are the best baby - I love you!