'TIS Better to Have Loved and Lost" ...

Throughout the day I have been thinking more about the question, “Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?” and I finally realized I do now know what I think on that one. However, the way I arrived at my conclusion is different than you might expect. I didn’t really reach my conclusion because of a relationship with a “significant other”.

I do believe it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all because …

Well, there are a few reasons and only one remotely has anything to do with an actual relationship I’ve been in with a significant other. The first has to do with Ivy … losing her has been harder than any loss and the only other time I can recall feeling so much pain is when I heard my brother and sister-in-law [a person who to me had been a “sister” since I was 7 years old] were divorcing.

Anyway – I digress …

I have had three or four significant losses in my lifetime … 1) the break-up with a boy I “loved” when I was 14 yrs. old; 2) the relationship with my sister-in-law [not a death but a loss nonetheless and at the time I felt it was worse than a death because it wasn’t an accident – it was an intentional decision made to divorce and leave "our family"]; 3) my grandmother’s passing … my grandma who spoiled the heck out of me as far back as I can remember until the day she died; and, of course, most recently; 4) Ivy.

All of these were significant to me because … well, they just were. Who can explain why someone ends up holding such a strong place in your heart? Different people, different personalities dealing with different losses, different heartaches.

The break-up with my ex husband was a loss but I don’t look on that as a past heartache … I’m not sure why??  At the time it hurt severely and it left a huge void.  However, I didn’t even realize until after I had typed up the list above that this dark period didn’t make it to my "grief" list.  Wow - that's kinda' odd I guess.  Maybe it has something to do with things deteriorating over time to the point that I felt I was suffocating and would slowly but surely die.  Not a literal death ... but I felt as though everything having to do with the "real/authentic" me was dying of a terminal cancer eating away at my true self.  By the time our divorce was final I realize (in hindsight) that overall - through the pain - I felt more a sense of relief rather than regret.

Of the “losses” I have experienced in my life – each “player” meant something to me. The only relationship I wouldn’t want to “do-over” would be the break-up with a "boyfriend"@ age 14. Not only did that hurt … more importantly ~ when I look back now it isn’t the “hurt” from the loss of “love” that makes me regret “him” – it’s realizing in hindsight how being in such a “serious” relationship at such a young age affected and impacted my relationships with friends and family. I focused too much on being with him, talking to him, spending time with him. I let other relationships fall by the wayside. THAT is what I regret about that. Not so much the hurting part because I really felt I loved him and it was a learning experience (not to mention he was so damned cute and I had so much fun during that time in my life. Ha). But seriously, no way to know that it would be a relationship I wouldn’t have wanted until after it was over. Hindsight = 20/20. Sometimes you just don’t know. Is it still worth it? Yes. But I just wouldn’t do that one over.

All the others have been TOTALLY worth it – even though, at the end, there was deep hurt.

As to the relationship with my sister-in-law … I can remember how devastated I felt when I received a phone call from my mom telling me my brother was getting divorced. I felt like I’d been kicked in the gut. I literally got sick and I don’t get sick easily. When I hung up the phone I cried so much. I was over at my fiance's house and he totally didn’t get it. Days later he was like, “What? Is that STILL bothering you?” It bothers me even today … it really hurt. Even I have been surprised at how much their divorce affected me. As a result of those feelings I totally vowed I would never put my kids through that. And then … well then years later that’s exactly what I did. It made me see my brother's situation in a different perspective … it made me realize that people don’t always know the in’s/out’s of a relationship. I thought they copped out in their marriage.  BUT – there are always three sides to the story: His, Hers, and the Truth … somewhere in between, right? ;-)

Anyway – back then I can remember so vividly waking in the middle of the night, realizing the situation wasn’t a dream … that it was really happening … and I’d cry all over again. I was in my 2nd year of college and I totally bombed out -- flunked. I lost all interest in everything ~ I wanted to move back home. I kept hoping they’d work it out – get back together, patch things up, etc., etc. No such luck. I think back on that and realize I was experiencing grief. I didn’t know what that was but in hindsight again – I was grieving the loss of a relationship. I loved my sister-in-law but hated her at the same time.  I loved God, I hated God. Sooo many emotions. I loved my fiance but hated him as well because he just didn’t “get” why I couldn't get over the hurt sooner.

Do I wish I’d never known her? Ohhh no! There are SO many memories of her having such a positive impact in my life … I wouldn’t trade that time for anything.

During that time in college I really began to question my “relationship” (as I’d known it previously) with God. I doubted his existence because I felt no peace, I didn't feel listened to, I didn't see any miracle in my brother's relationship.  I felt alone and EVERYTHING about my relationship to God felt like it was changing/different.  He wasn't Who I'd always "envisioned" Him to be (probably my personal Genie or something?)  However, I didn't/wouldn’t allow myself to voice my questions and doubts aloud because I had become engaged to someone only one week prior to the divorce announcement and that someone was planning on eventually becoming a pastor.  I couldn’t be thinking about marrying a future preacher and admit to doubts about the very existence of my fiance's future boss, God Himself (ha). But inside – I began to question everything I had ever been taught about God, about prayer, goodness, justice, fairness and love.

As to the relationship with my grandma … I just felt sad for her. She was a few mos. – literally 2 mos. – away from her 90th b-day party. She had a stroke and things were sudden but she was elderly and sooo many times in recent months had talked about suicide. She said she was tired and that so many friends and relatives had passed and she was ready to go. For her I felt sorrow but again – more relief. I actually felt guilty for not shedding more tears but I guess I have this certainty that I will see her again and so the thing that hurts now isn’t the loss but the waiting period between the now and the later. I look forward to a reunion with her. I’m not sure what is in the “ever after” so I choose something really good – reunions! 

And – to deal with my emotions about Ivy – I believe my grandma is taking care of Ivy. I never knew whether or not I believed that animals had souls that pass on from here to eternity but I choose to believe that now. My dog Ivy was one in a million. She was such a dear friend to me and I cannot explain the grief I have felt with her being gone. I don’t know how long it will take me to stop checking for her in the window when I get home in the afternoon, to look to see if she’s on her pillow by my bed only to be reminded every morning that her pillow – and she– is no longer there. It’s really hard. It really hurts.

It doesn’t make sense. So many would say to me, “She’s a DOG for Christ’s sake.” Yes, but she was MY dog … and I loved her.

Realizing how much this hurts me (irregardless of the fact that she is my pet and not my human family member) – I have come to the conclusion that yes – even though this hurts – I would totally rather love and lose than never to have loved.

I also look at that question in regards to my children. Having kids was a risk … a BIG risk. I never looked at all the things that could happen to them OR how much I would love them – prior to their being born. But now? Wow – I cannot even imagine losing one of my kids. THAT would kill more than anything in this world.

But knowing there’s always the chance I’ll get “that” call – from a school here in Redding, from a school in Davis, from a CHP officer somewhere … who knows? It could happen today, tomorrow, years in the future. Who knows? Would I forego our times together … and these incredible relationships in love?

No way.

Then I think to future son/daughter’s in law. Realizing that relationships sometimes go sour … how do I accept one of my kids’ spouses with an open heart only to realize that someday the couple may part and separate? I’ve pondered this and decided I can keep the kids-in-law at bay from my heart “just in case” – I can keep grandkids at bay “just in case” … but do I want to live a life motivated by fear and the “what if’s” and miss out on all the joy that love, family, friends, relationships can bring? No. I will love their significant other with all my heart – hope they make it work – and deal with it and become stronger if I have to get through another “ouch”. You always come out of heart hurts stronger and with more understanding and compassion for other human beings.

Life is about the risk. There’s love and loss. We can choose to let someone in or push them away to be safe.

If we choose to not let others in the end result is guaranteed: We will be alone.

Safe from heartache? Perhaps. But loneliness is heartache in and of itself.


Ultimately - I don’t want to be alone. I don’t think we were put on the earth to be alone, lonely or afraid. I don’t know what comes after … all I’ve ever been taught may or may not be true. This may be all there is – nobody who’s gone on before us can really tell us … or at least nobody I’ve known that’s died has ever come back to report to me what the “truth” of the hereafter is.

For all I know – this is it. I don’t think so but … I do know there will eventually be an “end” to my time on this earth. That is a sure thing. (Unless the Baptist church was telling the truth and I will live to see a rapture take place … which would totally be cool … but Cinderalla was kind of a liar so I’m not pinning my hopes on the “happily ever after” scenario!)

However, at the end of my time on this earth I have decided that I SOOO don’t want to look back with regrets. So far, at almost 47 yrs. of age, I realize my regrets have more to do with what I haven’t done or didn’t do than what I have or did …

But I have a chance to change that – to go for it … to throw caution to the wind and say, “To hell with it – I may as well take my chances and hope for the best.”

What have I got to lose? Well … perhaps happiness to some extent … that’s a possibility. BUT – I’d rather have the ‘possibility’ of a loss of happiness than the ‘guarantee’ of a loss of happiness if I live daily alone and lonely and in fear.

So there you have it -- my two cents worth on whether or not I believe it’s better to have loved and lost. Life’s too short …

Use the GOOD china! ;-)