YOU are HERE ...

I feel like I spent the entire evening in bed last night tossing and turning.  I am certain I actually DID sleep at some point because I can remember vivid dreams about adventure racing (of course yours truly was the adventurer!- ha) - but I feel sooo unbelievably tired today nonetheless!!

My brain has been mulling over a bazillion ideas in an effort to more specifically define what I want out of this life! 

• Who am I and what exactly do I want?  (Great book with a similar title written by Shad Hemstetter by the way ... but I digress!).  ;-)
• What are my personal dreams, goals, aspirations?
• What do I want to accomplish with the rest of my time on this earth?
• How can I reach out to others and positively impact this world while at the same time fulfilling my own personal dreams (in other words - how can I balance out becoming my best self without becoming so self-centered I don't make a positive mark on this earth while I'm here)?
• How do I want my life to change (what does my life's blueprint look like following Roux en Y surgery) once I achieve my personal weight loss goals?
• How do I see exercise playing an active (pardon the pun) role in my lifestyle now?
• How am I going to assure myself that exercise and fitness become a part of my life from here on out and that adding exercise right now isn't a temporary means to an end that will fade into the background once I reach my "ultimate" goal weight?
• Is there any career that I could get into (i.e. personal training, freelance writing, etc.) that would enable me to fully embrace this new healthy lifestyle so much that it becomes deeply engrained in everything I do - as opposed to it being a temporary endeavor?
• What do I want to do adventure/endurance racing wise?  I want to define this - to nail it down!
• What type of activity(ies) do I - me, myself & I - personally & genuinely enjoy?  What might I like to do that incorporates movement and exercise and endurance while at the same time being something I would stick with over the long term?
• Once I have determined that I want to compete in a marathon, or a triathlon, or a bike-a-thon .... etc., what charity would I like to become involved in?  I would like to be driven to succeed with a fundraising goal and charity at the forefront of my endeavor(s).  What does that look like?  What group do I feel a deep passion for?

I am trying to be very specific as I go through the process of naming what it is I want to accomplish.  If I can't name it I can't claim it.  [I absolutely LOVE that saying!] 

I am working hard to decide what it is I am willing to dedicate my time and effort to bring about positive change.  I want to decide what my overall objective is?  I think if I really have a purpose for setting out to do something (i.e. - running a marathon, a triathlon, exercising with a personal trainer, etc.) my follow-through will be better because each time I slip on sneakers and get going it will be a step closer to achieving my goal.  I need to know what that goal (those goals!) truly are.

One thing I know for sure - I do not want this process in any way to be an attempt to reach someone else's dream of what my life should look like.  At the same time - I don't want to be so self-centered that I fail to positively impact other's around me. 

I am learning that I TOTALLY LOVE to see people happy and excited and achieving their dreams and goals!!  I love it when others are jubilant over their personal accomplishments!!  I felt an unbelievable amount of joy watching those Ironman participants crossing their finish lines yesterday!!  I've never done drugs but that must be what a natural high feels like ...

I swear - it REALLY made me HAPPY to see them so proud of their accomplishments.  I was somewhat surprised at how GREAT it felt every time one of the athletes crossed the finish line.  It brought me JOY!  How can I incorporate this type of experience into my every day life? 

In what way might I be able to change my career so that it fits into the over all picture of my personal best?  What type of endurance racing do I want to get involved with?  (This question truly is a matter of what, not if now!  :-)

Truth be told though - I have never pictured myself the type to participate actively in sports but I would love to bring awareness to a cause like optic nerve damage - something that I have a personal connection to because of Daniel.

I have found that, when I go to look at marathons and triathlons to compete/participate on behalf of a "cause" - the issue of optic nerve damage/stem cell research in this area/optic nerve regeneration, etc. ... it is practically non-existent.  And THIS is the one cause I can tell would get me busy!!!

I find myself wondering:  How will my son ever be able to regain his vision if no emphasis is being placed on this one cure we have been told has not been "invented" yet but could potentially help restore vision ... an optic nerve transplant!?

I am certain that my boy is not the only one in this world who suffered an illness at a young age that caused brain swelling resulting in permanent optic nerve damage and vision loss.  Where are the others out there?  This issue needs to be brought out and if not me ... then who??

Maybe I'm the one to do it ...

It seems huge and way beyond me but ... everybody has a cause.  I'm out to find mine.

As always - as I'm searching - I'll keep you ...

posted

"You Are An Ironman!" :-) WOOT WOOT!

I have a dream!


I have several dreams after following Ironman Couer d'Alene throughout the day!  I have truly been inspired & motivated to be a BETTER, stronger, braver ME!  :-)  The racers today have no idea how much they inspired someone they have never met!  I am thankful!

The pride and ecstacy on the faces of the race participants was so awesome!  To know they were challenging themselves - they were reaching for personal goals.  What I wouldn't give to know each and every one of their stories?!! 

Each and every participant = INCREDIBLE!

If I could do one thing (besides get in shape enough to participate in and complete an endurance race of this magnitude for myself) - I would love an opportunity to talk with most (if not all) race participants in at least one Ironman race!  I'm sure the stories behind the racers would be astonishing - to say the least!  People from all walks of life, with varying backgrounds - ranging from the fittest to formerly the fattest ... giving it their all, marching to their own drum and achieving a personal goal. 

I am fascinated (in case you haven't noticed!). 

What a great day ~ I'm proud for each and every person who set out today and I am now hooked ... I hope my future is full of a whole hecka' bunch of Ironman stuff!!!!!!!

Woo Hoo!!!

Of People and Pimples ...

Question of the Day:

“If a person who normally has a clear/flawless complexion wakes up one morning with a pimple on their chin … what do you think they will focus on? The flawless complexion they have “most days” or one annoying pimple “that day” ??

Hold that thought ... we’ll come back to it …

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I just got to thinking about something and thought I’d write about it.  I wrote a poem off the cuff yesterday - just as a way of relaxing, unwinding, putting down my thoughts. Writing poetry has to be one of my favorite things in the world. It comes easy to me, it’s fun, it’s satisfying and I enjoy it immensely!

Usually, when I sit down to write a poem for the “heck of it” - it’s like taking one of those “flashcard ink blot psych tests” that you’ve probably seen on television.  A card is flashed and you say the first thing that pops into your head. I hardly ever think out my poems ahead of time. I will start with one opening line and then usually write the entire poem (or blog) from start to finish. It’s easiest that way and is my way of putting down everything that is on my mind at that moment. Many times I find out what exactly IS on my mind by writing a poem or journaling without pausing to edit, etc.

Sometimes, however, I will get to the end of my writing and even I am surprised at what I have written! (ha) Often times I’m okay with what’s there but on occasion I will feel the need to go back and edit because if I post it publically (for example – in this blog), I question whether something I put in the writing might cause another who reads it to be hurt or angry. Many times I think in terms of family members or my ex-husband, or former friends from previous churches. Some have stayed in contact and know both me and my ex. If someone happens to click on a link to this blog from , say my Facebook page, will they read something and be upset as a result?

On the one hand – if someone is upset by my honesty - the beauty of a blog is … the “ESC” key. Nobody is being forced to read my writings. On the other hand, I sincerely don’t want to intentionally hurt anybody’s feelings with an “I don’t care – it’s all about me” attitude.

I feel I have been pretty transparent in previous writings in stating that the ending of that marriage was not one sided … I don’t blame him for everything ~ I don't blame myself for everything.  Usually I blame myself for the bulk of things because I am hard on myself about the divorce and my failure to accomplish something I always believed was supposed to be “forever”. However, when I cut myself some slack and think in terms of the entire 19 years we were together – if I look at the totality of the relationship and not just those months at the end when I was "over it" -- I realize the “blame” falls on both of us.

But seriously - after being divorced over 10 years now – why does any “blame” need to be placed at all? It is OVER.  Bottom line is … nobody’s thinking about this anymore. It’s MY history and it’s MY past. I keep bringing it up and it’s time to stop.

OK – so now back to my initial "pimple" question.  If someone with normally flawless skin awakens with a pimple on their chin, my guess is that, 9 times out of 10, the blemish takes the forefront and the focus is not on the normally flawless complexion.

Why is this? Human nature? A pessimistic personality? An ongoing habit of looking at the glass half full?

Whatever the case may be, I have decided over the past few years that I have paid attention to a few blemishes for far too long. Many blogs and poems have subtle hints regarding my feelings/obsession with the failure of my first marriage, I subtly (maybe not so subtly?) refer to hateful church members in my past for whom I am obviously still holding a grudge and holding on with bitterness to the memory of their actions.

The pimples of my past are those times that I have failed myself and/or have felt that others have failed me.  And you know - there is no “Pro-Active” skin formula that I can apply in 3 easy steps to clear up the blemishes.  However, I do find the name of that skincare apropos as I write this blog today.

I must be PROACTIVE and change my focus. The past, my past, is in THE past. Or it should be … it could be. But I dredge it up every now and again and I’m not sure why.

Do I constantly feel the need to explain to people that there’s a reason my marriage failed?  Do I need to make excuses for why I don't attend church now?  Do I feel the need for affirmation that I’m okay the way I am?

Maybe that's been the way I've been operating but honestly - when I look at this - I'm tired of my own negativity - putting former church members, my former spouse, and/or myself - down.

The past is behind me.  It’s over. There were good times, there were bad times. I made some good choices, I made some bad choices. There were some wonderful church members met along the way and there were some church members that I personally believe will be hot after they die (ummm - so much for not being judgmental?) ...

People aren't perfect but such is life.  I'm not perfect either (newsflash!).  ;-)

Life has its ups and downs, its pros and cons, its goods and bads, its positives and negatives. There are good people, there are bad people. There are people who make good choices and people who make bad choices. There are people who say they’re sorry and there are people who could simply care less.

WHO am I? WHAT do I focus on? I do have a choice as to how I focus my thoughts and where I place my attention.

For each of us - our past decisions, choices, behaviors will have consequences – we cannot escape that. Our consequences may be positive or they may be negative dependent on the actions involved as we make and live out our choices.  We cannot shirk our responsibility for our own – especially if they weren’t good actions – and place blame on a former church member or a former ex-spouse or a former whoever ... you fill in the blank with someone you feel has wronged you.

For myself - I do not want to place blame anywhere any longer.  I want to, instead, adjust my focus and think on better things!  I will FOCUS more on the ups, the pros, the goods, the positives. The rest? I need to learn from, forgive, move forward – and put the past where it belongs:  in the past.

History has a way of repeating itself if we don’t truly acknowledge our past mistakes and if we do not accept responsibility for them. Dr. Phil always says, “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” On the flipside (another Phil-ism coming), "We can change what we do acknowledge."

I believe there is always room for change, for improvement, for forgiveness, for healing, for new beginnings.

We take ourselves with us wherever we go so we may as well be honest – with ourselves and with others. My big thing is wanting everybody to like me and I have come to the realization that – if I am myself and if I am transparent – inevitably someone might not like me.  They might not like me on the whole - or they may just not be happy with a decision I make, an opinion I voice, a blog I post.  Can I accept that people won’t always agree with my opinions, my feelings, my blog, my poetry.

Hmmm – ya know what? Yes, yes I can accept that!  I do not want to hurt anyone – that is not my intention. I’ll try to be sensitive to others' feelings while at the same time remaining true to my own.

And as to that pimple – yeah, it’s there – and it’s annoying. But the rest of my face looks pretty good at almost 47 years of age so ya know … I’ll dab a little toothpaste on that zit before I go to bed tonight and ... we’ll call it good!

Until next time … as always … I’ll keep you ~

... posted …

For My Fireman Friend ...

"It's time for a poem," I said to myself.

"Hmmm - what should I rhyme about?
There's nothing too 'newsy' in life at this time,"
But then ... I figured it out.

I decided to share some things on my mind
That have to do with "dreams"
For far too long I've pushed them aside
And they were forgotten ... it seems.

Ahhhh - yes my goals, my aspirations,
These I should pen on my pad
It's been a while since I've been in touch
With many a dream I had.

When I was a young girl ~ say twelve or thirteen ~
There were so many visions of me
I would one day become a wife and a mom
To beautiful children three!

My prince would arrive on a white horse (of course)
My knight in the shiniest of armour
He'd sweep me off to greater lands
I didn't care if he was preacher or farmer!

A preacher he was and the dream underway ~
Now I just had to wait for the kids.
I was young and naive but thought I knew it all
I was ready for marital bliss.

Well, schooling came first (understandably so)
Then the preacher took on his first flock.
I sat on the sidelines and waited until
I could wear a maternity smock!

That time finally came and a good time it was
First a daughter, then the two little guys
Life moved forward with our family complete
But the church helped us meet our demise.

The hatred I felt from the flocks that he led
Led me down a crooked path oh so gory
The "long story short" is we got a divorce
But ... that's not the end of my story.

Though I said "Ne'er again" - a new prince arrived
(This time he wore fireman shirts)
I thought he was "cute" and he seemed to be good
But ... I didn't want any more "hurts".

So I remained distant (though we became friends)
... Over time this man earned my respect.
I started to fall ... though I tried to resist
This man I had met on the net!

It's now been several since we met the first time
And my best friend in life's he's become
I'm happy that I didn't give up on true love
For my Fireman Friend is the one.

And as to my dreams - well, I'm wakening again
Full of visions once deep in my soul
There is sooo much in store and I just cannot wait
To accomplish each one of my goals!


*I love you, my Forever Fireman Friend*
xoxo <3

Ummm ... ouch*

So I'm going to try to be a bit more disciplined writing in this blog as I begin to really focus on the fitness side of my weight loss journey.  My objective is to document in a detailed manner the sheer torture of this experience so that I can fully appreciate the day that I can walk again!  (ha)

Let me explain:  Recently, I won a drawing for fitness training at a gym in Redding:  CrossFit.  CrossFit is pretty cool and they are turning out some very fit athletes! 

Woo Hoo, right?!  ;-)   Sure, yeah ... whatevuh!  (lol)

My first one-on-one training session was Tuesday evening @ 5:30 p.m.  I was cautiously optimistic and eager to get started.  I am not certain what exactly I was expecting.  I knew the training was going to consist of initial technique training ... how to properly lift, squat, press, etc.  I think I was figuring on about 1 hour of time from start to finish.  Ummm ...

Not.

I should've listened when I was forewarned that this particular trainer was - and I quote - a "beast".  How can something so tiny be a beast?  I remained cautiously optimistic.

THAT was my first mistake!  (ha)  Our first hour was spent on technique/skill training and that I was expecting.  In fact, I would have to say the upper body training was not bad at all - I was taught how to properly lift and press and stretch using a PVC pipe in place of a regular barbell.  Piece o' cake!

It was when this gal began to work with me on the proper technique for squatting.  Ohhhh man - the first few were okay.  BUT - when I had to start squatting and staying down in position so the gal could properly adjust my foot placement, where my thighs were, etc., THIS is when the burn started.  I don't know how many squats I did (I stopped counting at 4,358! ha ... okay, maybe THAT's a slight exaggeration??) ;-) ... but for a person who hasn't squatted for years ... 5 squats would've been too many at that point in time.  Let me just say -- there were WAYYYYY more than five.  sigh*)

After almost a full hour of this training, skinny girl says, "Okay Rebecca ... let's take a quick break.  I have to go to the bathroom and I'd like you to get some water.  I want you to be well hydrated when we begin your ...

WORKOUT!"

Ummmmmmm ......

HUH?  WHAT?  I chuckle and she looks at me strange?  "What?" (I think) ... "You are not joking?"  Quickly it is apparent ... nope, she's NOT joking???  Oh PUULEEEZZZZEEE God - this HAS to be a joke?!

I am about to collapse.  I'm not kidding you.  My legs were singing the J-E-L-L-O jingle.  They were quivering ...

But this was no joke.  She walks into the bathroom and I must admit -- I immediately looked for the nearest exit door that wasn't blocked by fit freaks.  I planned my route ... could I grab my purse from the cubby and make it to the exit undetected BEFORE she had a chance to wipe?

Sadly, no.  Not only does this chick run fast ... she goes to the bathroom too fast.  Shoot!  Plan A:  Foiled.  :-(

The WOD (Workout Of the Day) for me consisted of their 10,20,30,40 plan:  10 push-ups followed by 20 sit-ups, followed by 30 (more!) squats (WHAAAAT?????), followed by a 400 m. (the equivalent of once around a high school track) run. 

My mind instantly went into panic mode.  I was fighting off the voice screaming, "I can't, I can't" ... I was trying to pull from deeeeep within ... I honestly felt like I had nothing more to give.  The push-ups and the sit-ups?  Maybe.  But the squats followed by any type of run?  I just didn't see it within reach. 

Went I went in to the gym I tried to be positive and explain in a non-defeatest way that I was very much a beginner ... having not been a regular attender to a gym for 10 years.  Even when I did attend regularly it was to an all women's gym where my focus was primarily on some nautilus equipment and mostly an aerobics and/or step class.  This gym format is new to me -- more of a military combat style using free weights, bands, barbells, ropes, etc.  It is an intense level fitness center.  As they would say, they are "hardcore".

It's great - don't get me wrong.  These are serious work out enthusiasts ... and I am in awe of their discipline, their muscles, their stamina.  I truly am.

But for myself?  I DO want to walk when all is said and done.  (ha)

When skinny chick came out from the bathroom - I was still there (she was probably as surprised as I!).  :-)  I did the push-ups (such as mine were compared to her example), I did the sit-ups ... those were actually okay ... but the 30 additional squats?  Those were very difficult for me to finish - which was disheartening because she stood over me with stopwatch in hand and I knew my efforts were being recorded from start to finish.  I'm sure that's good - it would be great to look back in several months to see where my efforts have taken me.  But I have no plans to join this gym once this free "fundamentals training" is completed.  It was a great drawing to win but we have a family membership through my work that covers every family member for 1/2 the price that this particular gym charges for one individual.  It is not only not feasible for me - but it's not practical for my family, nor is it necessary. 

I am sincerely trying to determine my ultimate fitness goals for me as an individual.  I am toying with the idea of eventually competing in a marathon - and even toying with the idea of taking that one step further and competing in a traiathlon.  These are goals I am thinking I might want to achieve.  What I am sincerely trying to determine is whether or not I must start out at this level intensity to eventually be able to accomplish the goals I just listed ... or if, as I'm suspecting, she is pushing too fast out the gate.  I am all for a challenge and I expect to be uncomfortable and even in some pain initially commencing with a new program. 

However, I have to say - I didn't feel "listened" to by this trainer.  She was young, she was eager, she was enthusiastic.  But she didn't listen to me.  I wasn't making excuses - I was being honest.  If I felt she was trying to push me and that I just wasn't willing to give my best - that would be one thing.  I think a good trainer can see in us what sometimes we cannot see in ourselves. 

This isn't the case.  I do not think she had the wisdom to realize limitations and the red flag to me is that I didn't feel the "comfort chemistry" that I think is necessary between a trainer and trainee.  BOTH need to be able to express where they are and feel listened to.  My feelings were ignored.  I think she pushed too hard.  I really do.

When it came time to go outside and do my run and I (honest to God) went to lift my leg and start a subtle jog - my left leg totally gave way.  I almost fell - I hobbled and locked my knee to keep from going down.  It shook and gave way again once I had steadied myself.  I turned and said, "I will be walking this 400 meter."  I don't think she was too impressed but she nodded affirmatively and I turned and finished the 400 meters at a walking pace.  All the while she had that stop watch in the palm of her hand held upright so I could see it.  If that was supposed to make me move faster it would've ... if I could've.

At the moment I turned back to finish the 400 m., I felt a new understanding of how obese individuals felt on "The Biggest Loser."   My trainer did not scream in my face at all -- but the individuals on that show who are also new to fitness routines are subjected to Jillian Michaels getting right up in their faces - screaming at them not to quit, to dig deeper, etc.  If Jillian had been with me this past Tuesday she would've definitely been screaming in my face ... she probably would've wanted to slap me.  I might have been one of those contestants flying off the back of the treadmill! 

In hindsight - I do feel like I gave it my all on Tuesday night.  I'm looking back and asking myself, "Did you wimp out?  Could you have given more? ... Be Honest Now!" 

Wellll - I didn't wimp out.  It's possible that skinny girl saw more in me than I saw in myself but I physically could not get my legs to jog.  Even walking I felt like I had to lock my knees to keep them from giving way. 

If it wasn't happening to yours truly even I might've looked on and chuckled.  But - it WAS happening to me and ... it wasn't so funny then!  :-)

Suffice it to say, by the time I got into my car to leave I was uncertain whether or not I would have strength enough in my foot to apply pressure to the gas pedal.  Once I was successful in that feat I was all the more thankful I had an automatic car and didn't have to use the other foot for the clutch.

I made it home and tried not to let on too much.  I took some Tylenol this morning at 3am!  (Yes, really.)

My next session is tomorrow night ... and will I go?

I will keep you .....

... posted

(because luckilly - TYPING - uses my fingers ... NOT my lower extremeties.  From my thighs down there is a sign that reads, "OUT OF ORDER" - so that's the explanation for it if you see me at the mall later!)

To Touch a Toe!

TODAY 

I, Rebecca Dahlen, can touch my toes with complete and total ease!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If you're new to reading my blog, the above "proclamation" may not seem like a big deal but ... trust me.  It is a big deal. 

To me.

It marks my new beginning.  "Touch My Toes" was the first of many new dreams ... it is the preface to setting, reaching for and achieving MANY dreams to come! 

At 47 years of age I finally realized:  You just have to start with ONE dream!  It ALL starts with one!  :-)  When you begin to work toward believing in and achieving one dream ... [when you acknowledge within yourself that you - and you alone - had the guts to go for it] ... and when you ACHIEVE that dream - your confidence is boosted. 

You dare to dream again. 
     To dream bigger. 
           To dream without fear, without limits, without hesitation!

As you may know (or if you are new to this blog - as you are about to learn), just a little over 7 mos. ago I underwent gastric bypass surgery - Roux en Y.  Prior to the decision to radically alter my body and lifestyle, I had stopped believing in my personal dream[s]. 

Scratch that.  Truth be told - not only had I stopped believing in my dreams ... I couldn't even remember what those dreams were. 

I didn't really care that I could no longer touch my toes, that I couldn't get out of bed without the soles of my feet throbbing, that I could not walk ANY distance (flat ground or hilly) without become instantly winded, that I was completely self-conscious and embarrassed in public with regard to my physical appearance, that my wedding ring had long been placed in a locked jewelry box because I couldn't get it over my knuckle - let alone in its final resting place snug past my knuckle upon my ring finger. 

But the moment that I rose from a plastic chair at Shasta College and saw a large round sweat mark left in the place of where my backside had been - THAT was my defining "final straw" moment!

It looked as though I'd pee'd in my chair when I rose and went to push the chair back under the table.  And someone - a student who had entered the room for the next class - was coming toward me to sit in that same chair.  My chair with the puddle ... My "puddle pee" chair.

Of course I hadn't pee'd and no, it wasn't a puddle.  But it was a large round sweat spot.  Left by me ... because I was so heavy that I sweat when I sat too long.  My body overheated.  It was September in Redding, CA.  Yes, it's still warm in September but sweat puddle in the chair warm?  I think not.

I dropped my class the day after I pushed my sweat spot chair in.  I quit.  To those who knew me I quit because I couldn't hack statistics (partly true).  But to me - in my deepest self - I quit because I was embarrassed.  I was humiliated.  I was ashamed of me. 

I wasn't a quitter.  But I quit.

For many individuals contemplating a major life change such as gastric bypass - their decision to have the surgery is preceeded by what I defined above as a "final straw" moment.  Something happens that causes the person to reach that ultimate "AH-HA" (aka: "UH-OH") moment! 

It's a wake up call.  A jarring incident.  As if having been in a deep slumber while their body and their self-control slipped away - the person has an event that awakens them from their sleep ... that captures their attention.

Something deep inside of me fought to change.  The idea that I would quit because I sweat too much? 

WHAT? 

While my feelings closest to the surface were screaming, "You are a failure,"  You will never change,"  "It's too late for you,"  "You're going to be 50 yrs. soon - who are you trying to kid?" -- something deeper inside said:

"Yes!  Becky, you CAN DO THIS!!  YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!  WHAT DO YOU WANT?  Name it!  Claim It.  It is simply a matter of determining HOW BADLY YOU WANT TO CHANGE and WHAT specifically you want to achieve!"

I could hear a sincere longing in myself rising to the surface.  It was simply me asking myself WHAT I wanted ... and why did I believe I couldn't achieve whatever that was? 

Nobody else was saying, 'You can't.'  It was my own self saying, "No" ... to me. 

Isn't that ridiculous?  WHY in the world would I defeat my own self?  Well, I decided I would not.

So -- I am VERY happy to report that I bypassed those surface negative feelings and I latched on to the deeper dream.  I intentionally tuned out the static - the "noise" of the "no's" and I listened to my still small voice that said, simply,

"yes"


I had temporarily given up on dreaming:  Of dreaming of ever being at - or even remotely close to - my personal goal weight, dreaming that one day I would walk and talk at the same time again, dreaming that I could swim, run, play, wear shorts, sit in a class sweatless (ha).

Dreaming that I could touch my toes.

So - though my dream paled in comparison to Martin Luther King, Jr.'s -- I had a dream.

Literally I dreamed OUTLOUD, "I will one day be able to touch my toes."

THEN - I contacted a local bariatric surgeon and asked them to send me paperwork regarding their gastric bypass surgery.  I received the paperwork, filled it out and it was submitted to my insurance.  Within 3 weeks I received a form letter from the surgeon's office and it began with, "We are sorry to inform you ..."

I had been denied.

I decided to be "optimistic" - and chose to believe that it was a good thing that I had been denied.  I would, instead, be forced to work this weight off on my own.  I was sharing this with a co-worker who said, "Don't give up - contact your insurance ... get their advice as to who they would approve - who they would recommend.  Don't take one no as a final answer." 

After work that day I did just that.  I contacted my insurance and asked for their advice.  The first rep wasn't too helpful so after our conversation ended I called back - realizing that I'd probably get somebody new on the next call.  And I did.  And SHE was great!!  She put me on hold and when she came back on the line a few minutes later she told me that our insurance had a history of approving surgeries done with a Dr. Edward Felix in Fresno, CA.  "How far is that from where you live?" she asked me.

I told her that would not be too far at all!

(Hey, what's a 5+ hour drive for surgery?!  ha)

And the rest, as "they" say, is history.  I contacted Dr. Felix's office and began the process.  Seven months post-op I can say that pursuing that dream was one of the best decision I ever made.  Prior to my authorization I determined that I wanted to one day be able to touch my toes again.

Dream #1.

Achieved.

Next dream is in the making -- and, as always, I'll keep you ...

Posted!  :-)

Before, During and ... ('After' will be coming in 28 more pounds)