31 down ... 71 to go! ;-)

My blog is so jumbled and behind.  I did pretty well while I was in the hospital jotting little notes and thoughts here and there on whatever paper I could find (which was usually the back of a page in a notebook given to me by the hospital to read up on my procedure, etc.)

Anyway - I figure I will fill in the blanks as I can later and go back and update some of the previous days' posts but for now I'm just going to catch up on the here and now and try to stay on top of things from this point on.  It will be more accurate and much easier to follow!  :-)

I am now 5 weeks post gastric bypass.  I am down 32 pounds ... can I get a "YAHOOO?!"  ;-) 

Water is still a battle for me ... but I'm working on this.  I'm also almost out of multivitamins so this is something I will need to purchase ASAP.

Food intake wise I'm doing pretty well.  There are many things I can eat and enjoy -- as long as I chew sooo thoroughly it's crazy -- and chew slowly as well.  Obviously, I do not eat sugar, high fat foods, anything carbonated, etc.  That really hasn't been too difficult of an adjustment - although I must admit that it's the smells that get to me.

Most of my hunger, I am realizing, is emotional and mental.  If I smell something good - I want it.  Whether or not I am truly hungry.  I can't eat it - I won't eat it - but it is interesting to be able to recognize what true hunger is and know that what I am experiencing when I want a food because it's "there" - or because it smells good - that it's simply something I need to recognize as a habit I need to work on.  Right now I cannot consume too much food ... but at some point down the line I will be able to have that "whatever" - and I need to learn NOT to have it just because it smells good, just because it's there ... just because I want it.

Also, I have learned to eat protein first ... before anything else.

I have also been learning how to drink liquid 30-45 minutes before or after a meal but not with a meal.  This is important for both hunger reasons and nutritional absorption reasons. 

I will say - I have been SUPER thirsty lately.  I know I'm not getting enough liquid in and this is going to be a problem if I don't figure it out.

This morning I weighed 195 pounds -- down from 227 pounds.  I really want to discipline myself to stop weighing every morning because I think by doing so I'm not able to really enjoy the losing.  If I waited a week and saw a 3-5 pound weight loss (give or take a few pounds) than that would be so much more exciting than seeing a pound here and there daily.  I'm missing the excitement of a large amount on the scale because I'm weighing daily...if that makes any sense.

I am able to move more freely already - even after only 32 pounds of weight is gone.  I cannot imagine how much better I will feel physically when 70 more pounds is gone!  I am realllllllly anticipating this. 

Yes, I want to look better, yes I want to wear nicer clothing but ... the thought of moving more comfortably, feeling healthier, not having sore/achy joints ... THAT sounds like heaven right now!  :-)

More later ~ and as always I'll keep you ... "posted"!

Bypass Blogging - Continued

It’s been a while since I’ve posted – so I’ll try to update this blog.


We returned home after that “interesting” car ride (with the little detour through Madera, CA, to have the Toyota water pump replaced). We arrived home later that evening at about 10PM … the rest of the ride, thankfully, was uneventful!

As usual – it was always nice to be home. I felt “great” surgically speaking … I don’t think I had any pain after that one “bump” in the road with the bowel/intestine requiring a second surgery. That kinda’ sucked but … Demerol was my friend on the early morning on November 20. Wednesday morning we picked up Ivy from the vets’ office … another thing that was very nice! 

Late Wednesday evening (we’re now @ November 25th) Kimberly and Adam arrived home. It was late so they didn’t stay up late but Thursday morning I swiped their grocery list that was on the counter; I headed to Winco to buy the groceries they would need. I felt bad enough that I wasn’t making Thanksgiving dinner – I would’ve felt that much worse if they paid for our groceries! I know neither of them would’ve taken reimbursement without a squabble so … it was easier to buy the stuff on the list and deal with it later! (ha)

Thanksgiving dinner SMELLED great – obviously I couldn’t taste things but – that was okay. I did have a little bit of the turkey broth, and a little turkey puree. It tasted good.

Fast forward to now … not much else has been happening. I returned to work on Mon., November 30th as planned. By the end of last week I was reallllllllly feeling tired – especially on Saturday and Sunday (this past weekend). Benjamin had his first basketball tournament @ Shasta High and the first game was Friday night … starting @ 8:45 p.m.

Thursday night we had a mandatory training at work until 7pm and then I had to work a full-day on Friday (I usually get off work @ 2:15PM) so to have to work basically two full 8 hour work days was killer for me only post- surgery about 2 weeks. GEESH! I think I pushed it there. So the tournaments kinda were the “icing on the cake” as far as exhaustion goes.

To anybody having gastric bypass my unsolicited advice is: Plan on taking the full 3 weeks off if you can afford to do so. It takes your body a while to build up energy, you’re still trying to heal, you still have to “figure out” your eating protein/drinking water schedule. It is a bit much to try to jump right back into routine so soon after surgery. That’s just my two cents worth.

Anyway – so … this past weekend is the one where I felt wiped out. But today I made a decision to REALLY focus on my water and protein intake. As a result, today, for the FIRST day, I am really not hungry. In fact I am having difficulty getting in the protein. Up to this point honestly I had yet to experience a feeling of fullness and I was wondering what the heck was going on? Had I screwed something up? Eaten too much and stretched the pouch? What?? I don’t think I could’ve possibly eaten too much because I have yet to experience the dumping syndrome or any vomiting, nausea. I think I’m doing things right and today the feeling of fullness finally hit! To feel full is a beautiful thing! A “thing” I’m not completely used to feeling. I hope it lasts!

I think I’m experiencing fullness because I am FINALLY focusing on my water intake. I have a ways to go in mastering the art of “sipping” 32-64 oz. of water daily. (I’m STILL working on my first 16 oz. that I measured out this morning. YIKES!) How do people do this? Get in their water, but get in their vitamins/minerals, while getting in the correct amount of protein – separate from water so they don’t flush out nutrients, screw up their appetite, etc.

It’s an art, I swear.

If you, too, are trying to master it … hang in there. It will click and kick in soon – I promise.

My starting weight before surgery was 227. This morning I was 206.6. I have lost about 21 pounds but I had lost that initial 21 pounds shortly after I arrived home from surgery and things have pretty much stayed the same since. I have felt kind of discouraged by this but … I figure I will be losing more eventually. You can’t hardly eat baby food, cottage cheese and refried beans and expect to gain, right?! At least that’s what I’m choosing to believe so – I’m stickin’ to it.



More later ~

A little stop on the way home ...

The gastric bypass saga continues.

I don't know when I last journaled but ... here's an update (and I am currently writing on a napkin in a Toyota Service Customer Waiting area ... but I'll go more into detail WHY we are seated here in a bit!).

I was released from the hospital @ around NOON yesterday (Mon., 11/23).  I was feeling pretty good and was given good marks when I was released.  I was released 3 days late because of slight complications from the Rou ex Y (if I hadn't already mentioned by the time I add this post).  I came out of surgery doing well as far as I can remember.  I was able to sip okay and the recovery was going well.  However, within 15 hours of that first surgery I started feeling ... bad.   Anyway - I'm sure by the time I add this post I will have rambled long enough about THAT part of things so ... I will move on.

Presently, I had my "post-op" appointment with Dr. Felix this morning @ 8am.  I was SO glad that was not postponed and/or rescheduled.  I wanted to get HOME!

All went well.  They did a bone density test, a follow-up nutritional education seminar, a follow-up one on one with the surgeon.  He showed me some cool color pics of the second surgery - though I was only able to obtain black and whites for myself.  No biggy -

I was given a full release to return home ... YAAAAY.  We prepared for our 5 hour drive back home to the Redding (Shasta Lake) area.  We went back to the hotel and finished loading the car - then hit the road.  About 45 minutes up the freeway we stopped to fill up/top off the tank with gas.  Since I was told to walk at least 10 minutes for every 45 minutes on the road - I took advantage of this gas stop to get out for a short walk. 

Back on the road. 

We got onto Hwy. 99 - drove about 15 minutes and then ....

BEEP BEEP BEEP!  The dashboard "DANGER/WARNING" indicator came on.  Oh come on ... seriously?

Then there was a warning buzz/tone, followed by another couple of lights ("check engine" indicator and "hybrid system activation" light).  In short - our little Prius' way of saying, "I've fallen and I can't get up."

sigh*

We pulled off at the next exit (luckilly the car was still running okay) and Chuck immediately pulled into the nearest gas station.  He inquired as to whether or not there was a Toyota dealership nearby and was told that yes - there's one open about 5 minutes up the road.  Yaaaay!

We got there just fine and the service tech did a dx test and determined that the cooling pump for the hybrid system (essentially the water pump in the Prius) went out.  :-(    The tech said they did have the part we needed in stock and he could have us back on the road by 5pm.  (We love Toyota in Madera!)

So -- this is how I currently find myself seated in the little Toyota Dealership in Madera, CA.  Nuts.  But - it makes for an interesting little addition to my blog, right?  ;-)

I plan on taking some pictures of our "service savior" and the dealership itself and I'll add them to this blog at some point. 

Currently, the boys and Chuck walked next door to a Carl's Jr.  (thanks God!).  Obviously, I opted not to go with them because I prefer to bypass that food due to the bypass in my stomach.  :-)

So -- I am going to turn on this little television in the waiting area of the Toyota Dealership and kill some time.  Thanks to God (seriously) - we were right near a freeway exit, right near a gas station when we exited the freeway, right near an open Toyota dealership and ... even though the guy was working on his last vehicle for the day - he was willing to stay and get us back on the road.  There aren't always Prius service guys available at Toyota we were told so ... it was our "lucky" day.  :-)   I'll take that.

We'll get home ... eventually - and it will definitely be "Home Sweet Home"!!

Day 5


A GOOD morning … probably the first of the GOOD mornings I can recall. Yesterday was ‘better’ – but not good. I am able to have liquid a LOT better today and I am optimistic this will continue. I would be happy if I was told I could be released from the hospital today but it doesn’t appear that will be the case.

I did want to write about something funny prior to my surgery though. I made a little sign that looked like this:



POUCH SIZE:



Small

 Medium

 Large

 Extra Large



This is a sign I made and posted on my abdomen! I had the “small” box checked and I taped this for my surgeon to see when he came in to examine me just before introducing me to the anesthesiologist. He laughed a lot and took it and put it on my forehead - held on by my surgical cap (not the “hat” from the toilet by the way – HA) … but he wanted the anesthesiologist to see it. I guess you had to be there but – it was funny at the time! 

More later …

Day 4 – EVENING


Well, tonight I do believe I turned a corner! Woo Hoo! I was ABLE to swallow for the first time w/o that excruciating pain between my shoulder blades. Wow – that was SOOO bad. I still have the IV and it’s still going continuously but I’m hopeful that maybe it can get back to a slow drip by tomorrow if things keep on as they are going tonight. I need to work on the incentive spirometer more – I’ve lost a little ground taking good deep breaths because of how my upper back has been feeling. My bowel sounds are “improving” I am told (take THAT, Gladys!) and the nurse says she hears a party going on. Hmmm – I prefer to NOT be invited … but I think Gladys got there early!

In short – I feel I am improving tonight. Hopefully I will be released late tomorrow evening (Sun) or Monday morning. Please God!! I’m not sure about my follow-up appointment. It was originally scheduled for Tuesday, November 24th, but I think Wednesday might be more realistic at this point.

A positive mental attitude is imperative to ensure success right out the gate at this venture following my surgery. If you don’t have a positive attitude – DEVELOP ONE! It will be the KEY to success and healing. There is no time for “woe is me” or defeatist thinking.

Be strong.

Be determined.



If you have come this far (and the foul smell from your roomie hasn’t killed you yet) – then you are going to make it! Keep going and pull from DEEP within … from your enduring spirit. This is NOT an “easy way out” and if anyone HAD the procedure they’d know that. People who are clueless make that comment. Ignore it! You know the truth – who cares if “they” do, right?! Right! 



This is a journey toward health and wellness. It is a TOOL – a means to an end. An aid. A courageous decision. Now you have done it – SEE IT THROUGH. CARRY ON. PRESS ON AND DO IT!



You can meet your personal goal and make the MOST of the OPPORTUNITY you have been given!



In the words of Nike – JUST DO IT! Only You (and I) CAN!

Day 3 –

I had to go back in for an emergency corrective surgery @ 2 AM this morning.  Honestly -- this morning was the second most difficult day thus far. The pain I have been feeling - even when trying to swallow only 15 cc’s of any type of liquid - has been SO intense and excruciating – I can't even describe it. 

I cannot be released from the hospital until I can drink at least 32 oz. of clear liquid(s) – and this can be any combination of water, herbal tea, Crystal Light, Coffee, sugar free jello, etc.

But nothing will stay down and the pain is too much. I hadn’t taken any medication since they took me off the Morphine drip and I didn’t even need or use that one. Surgical pain (as far as from staples, incision, etc.) was pretty much non-existent from the time I woke up from the anesthesia. In fact, when I woke up I felt 100% better than I did prior to the gastric bypass procedure and this was probably due to the fact that they repaired the hernia. I was told I had a broken rib on my left side 3 weeks prior to surgery from coughing too much while our household went through the flu so I just assumed the pain I had right before my gastric bypass was due to that rib. I was PLEASANTLY surprised to have that pain 100% after surgery. Yee Haw! It’s the little things, ya know?!

But the pain from trying to swallow was some of the worst I have ever felt. Apparently, according to my surgeon, I was suffering from a bit of swelling at the “pouch” outlet. UGH … that is miserable. I was put on an IV – constant drip – for 24 hours because of dehydration.

On top of it -- my “roomie” in the hospital is making me nuts. I thought I was a patient person but I think those days are gone. I was patient back in high school but …

She has some sort of abdominal issue … she’s been in since Sunday night with extreme abdomen and pelvic pain(s). They can’t figure out the “what” or “why” and they have been doing exam after exam in an effort to get to the “bottom” of things. Pardon THAT pun because her bottom is the thing that caused her problems. It ended up causing ME problems too (selfish, ain’t it?). The lady was “backed-up” and they were concocting what they called a “colon cocktail”. I’m pretty sure you won’t find this at your local bar and if you did you wouldn’t find many people seated AT the bar – though their restroom(s) would be fully occupied and their toilet tissue would be in short supply.

Gladys (ahhh – dear sweet Gladys with the finger nails the size of Texas … I swear she could’ve picked my nose from across the room with those daggers. Surely no need for her to carry pepper spray late at night … I’d bet them puppies are registered legal weapons). But I digress. Gladys had gas. Gladys passed gas. Glady’s would “go” in the toilet, cover it with a paper towel (an early Christmas present for the staff?), close the door and never call nursing staff to dump her “hat” – (and I ask you … why in the world do they refer to a waste container as a “hat” – there was nothing in there that I would want on MY head). I am a person who is super sensitive to smells and sounds. If you pretend to burp – it will make me gag. If you really burp – that’s worse. If you pretend to fart – same scenario. Real fart? I’m a gonner. But go “for reals” and leave it for me to find. There is no forgiveness here. AT LEAST CALL THE NURSE TO CHECK/LOG/FLUSH. Seriously!

 

Bypass Blogging - continued

UGGGG ... I remember this day.  This was NOT a good day.

At 2:00 AM, Friday, Dec. 20, I had to return to surgery due to a problem in my intestines/bowels.  My "bowel" was compared to a kinked garden hose. 

QUITE painful.  (sigh*)

(Demerol is good.)

For Surgery #1 - I had the Roux en y gastric bypass and that surgery went alright.  I had additional surgery at the same time as the gastric bypass to repair a hiatal hernia but this is very common.  So common, in fact, that prior to each gastric bypass procedure each patient is required to sign a consent for hiatal hernia repair ... "just in case".  I was the in case ... probably one of many.  :-)  

For Surgery #2 - I only remember that I had Demerol.  Right after probably the worst pain I have experienced -- labor included.  I will repeat:  Demerol is good.  I was thanking God for that particular pain medication which came at a time when I didn't feel like I could tolerate pain for one more second.  An anethesiologist came in and gave me one shot - then another shot - then a third shot.  FINALLY I felt relief.  Then I was wheeled into surgery for the 3rd time (or so I'm told).  Actually, it was my second surgery but my third procedure.  Something happened to my intestines and, like I already said, I was told it had "flipped over like a garden hose" and nothing - not a piece of jello, not a drop of liquid, would go down. 

I will try not to get too graphic here but the long and short of it is that I was asked at one point to try to take a small bite of sugar free yellow jello.  Within 15 seconds of swallowing it came back up as a yellow frothy foam.  This was the case with anything I tried to swallow.  Each and every bite - and it hurt everytime I was asked to try to keep something down.  I got dehydrated.  I felt soooo miserable - the pain was, as I already said, indescribable. 

Did I mention there was pain?

Ahhh yes - and gastric bypass is the easy way out ... hmmm -

If you say THAT ... you have NEVER had gastric bypass. 

'nuf said!  :-)

POST Gastric Bypass - Day 1

Okay so seriously ... November 18.  Surgery Date.

A total blur.  I got nothin' for ya ... absolutely nothing.  I remember nothing.  I was "told" that I drank a lot and did great. 

Ha Ha - Okay -- if "you" say so.   Nothing informative to tell about this day ... but ... I'll keep you posted.

(NOTE:  Most of this earlier journaling that I am turning into my blog was written in the back of a surgery notebook given to me by the hospital.  I am transferring my notes into this blog now since I was obviously w/o access to a PC in my hospital room.) 

IV?  Yes. 
PC?  Nope!  :-)

One Life to Love

One Life To Love

(As performed by '33 Miles')

He never thought he cared so much about the minute hand,

Until he started praying for a second chance,

If he could only do it all again,

He'd trade the long nights that he spent behind his desk,

For all he missed,

He tells his wife,

I wish that this moment in this room, was not me dying,

But just spending a little time with you

You only get just one time around,

You only get one shot at this,

One chance,

To find out,

The one thing that you don't wanna miss,

One day when its all said and done

I hope you see that it was enough,

This one ride,

One try, One life,

To love.

She never thought she cared so much about those little hands,

That held on tight the day she left,

Cuz she was scared to death,

Sitting all alone on a hotel bed,

The end of the road,

The sun has set on her big plans,

To feel young again,

She picks up the phone,

Dials the number,

Hears that little voice,

That's haunted every single mile,

Since she made that choice,

You only get just one time around,

You only get one shot at this,

One chance,

To find out,

The one thing that you don't wanna miss,

One day when its all said and done

I hope you see that it was enough,

This one ride,

One try, One life,

To love.

You only get just one time around,

You only get one shot at this,

One chance,

To find out the one thing

That you don't wanna miss,

One day when its all said and done

I hope you see that it was enough,

This one ride,

One try, One life,

One ride, One try, One life,

To love,

To love.

It's time ...

November 18, 2009.  That is the big day -- it's approved by insurance, it's scheduled with the surgeon and ... everything is set.

I am SO at peace with this decision and I cannot wait!!

I need to do some planning ahead as to the best protein supplements to have in the house for "after" -- but other than that type of planning I am 100% ready. 

I am VERY excited and optimistic.

I think that's about it for today but, as always ...

I'll keep you posted!  :-)

It's time to go to bed ...

Yes, yes ... I know.   The hands of the clock are signaling that I am way past my own self-imposed bedtime curfew.  But alas, sleep betrays me.  I'm simply not tired yet so -- why fight it?

I figure the reason sleep is evading me is because I have a major (major decision to me anyway) life decision coming up.  I am being evaluated for gastric bypass this Tuesday.

This is a big (pardon the pun) decision and one that I don't take lightly (sorry - this is becoming thematic!)  ;-)

I have already mentioned previously that I have been fighting this battle for over 32 years.  If my insurance company will not cover the gastric-bypass procedure then it will not be an option because I refuse to spend an arm and a leg to lose a stomach!  (ha)

But - I am all about "informed decisions" and I am going to consult with a surgeon approved by my insurance provider to "weigh" (there it is again!) all of my options.

I am learning:  Be careful who you mention this option to.  Almost everybody has a "horror" story that they can't wait to pass on.  I guess that should be something that causes me to stand up and take notice ... this is not a "cure all" or "the easy way out" -- this is a huge decision.

I am looking at this possibility as a "tool" - not an easy fix.  I have seen one too many regain most, if not all, of their weight back because they have not made the necessary lifestyle changes.  I think my mind is in the right place - I realize the responsibility lies with me -- not my surgeon. 

But I am at a place where I want to see where this road might lead ... and I am optimistic that I am doing the right thing to at least acquire more information to help toward making that informed decision.

I don't think that weight loss surgery is for everyone ... but this is a very personal decision.  Not one to be taken lightly but ... one I am seriously considering.

I think the road ahead looks bright and it definitely holds a lot of promise.

As always - I will keep you -

Posted!  :-)

"Can't We All Just Get Along?" ...

I was raised with a very conservative (fundamental) religious background. I was pretty much taught in religious circles that you do/say/be as we tell you to do/say/be OR ... you're lost, you're wrong, you're "out".


Somewhere along the line - in recent months, I have made a decision not to live my life in an unkind manner toward those who disagree with my beliefs, opinions. This may sound conceited but I don't mean it in a conceited way when I say I "pride" myself in accepting and befriending those who differ from me because I think we can all gain from the perspectives of others.


But doesn't it work both ways? Maybe you're not religious or maybe you are, maybe you're gay or maybe you're straight, maybe you're a Republican or maybe you're a Democrat.


IF you want to be accepted as any one of those - why can't you accept those on the opposite "side" from you?


It's a total double standard.


Like me if I'm Republican but I reserve the right to not like you if you're a Democrat. Don't you religious people be mean to me if I'm gay but hey - I'm gay and I hate your God. If I'm pro-choice and you're pro-life - we can't PRO- gress in a nice, civil conversation??


Huh???

What???

Really???


That's not right.
That's just plain sad.


If we cannot learn to listen and befriend those who differ ... if we can't agree to disagree ... how in the world can we ever hope to achieve any level of peace on any scale - within our homes, throughout our neighborhoods, our cities, our churches, our country?


Sorry, I just don't get it. I'm kinda with Rodney King on this one ... "Can't we all just get along?" -- at least a little ... and play nice?!


There's a way to disagree and rudeness ain't it.


That's my two cents worth ... and in this economy I will accept that it maybe more like a penny. ;-)


"Peace out ... "  ;-)

Live with Intention

"May your efforts to define your life,

And your disciplined commitment to live it,

Enable you to lead ...

And enjoy ... 

The very life you intend."

Totally plagerized, I'll admit it, but I saw this on someone else's blog and wanted to post it on mine because ... it's a great quote!

The Other Side of Fear is Freedom

That's it.  :-)   No blog about it ... I just heard that quote on an Adventure Race show this morning and I really liked it so ... it stands - without need for further word - except a quick repeat:

"The other side of fear is FREEDOM!"

What would life be without kids?! ;-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9BdeNhIOrA

True Beauty

"When I admire the wonder of a sunset or the beauty of the moon, my soul expands in worship of the Creator." (Mahatma Gandhi)

Repeat after me ...

"When you talk negatively to me about someone else outside of their presence, I feel very uncomfortable. It really hurts me to see people I care about at odds. Please work things out with the person directly and don't include me in this situation."

Practice and repeat the above UNTIL SUCH TIME that I can say it with ease and not feel a bit of guilt for not being a "better listening ear."

Gossip is not okay. It leaves broken people and spirits in its wake.

From now on - I AM going to say the above statement when someone is at odds with another and wants to vent. I simply need to somehow figuratively 'close the door' to those who want to bitch about others outside of the "others" presence. I've seen too much divisive behavior of late and I have decided today: Enough is enough.

I tend to be a "listening ear" when people need to vent because I want to be everybody's friend - I don't want to hurt feelings, I don't want anybody to be "mad" at me.

How old am I, anyway?! Geesh!

The problem is - if you listen to the one side ... and say, "I'm sorry" - and then you listen to the other side and say, "I'm sorry" - I think both sides think you are on "THEIR side" ... when instead your intention was to be a good friend - a good listener.

No More! I have finally realized: I don't want to hear any words that you're not willing to say directly to the person's (the individual with whom your at odds') face. If you can't say it in front of the person - don't say it to me!

In order to be a true friend to myself (and, as a result be a true friend to others) - I need to SPEAK the truth. I need to draw the line. I need to set a boundary that politely yet clearly states: "THIS (whatever the "this" may be) is not okay with me. I'm not comfortable with this situation - please leave me out of it."

In a word: Put a STOP to it once and for all.

If this is cryptic - it is intended to be. However, it is another part of the journey that I am realizing I need to take to address things that are not right and speak up if I am put in a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable.

The one thing that will be difficult for me is trying to figure out how "friendship" - "true friendship" overcomes these obstacles. Who do you vent to? How do you share your stress and/or frustration if everything about another person is "off limits?" OR - do you build a friendship base around those who have proven themselves trustworthy and who do not press you past a point that you consider inappropriate? That calls for total honesty at the point at which you are uncomfortable.

Total and complete honesty is a must to achieve a true friendship.

I'm not interested in anything less than this in friendship anymore. Friendship is tough - TRUE friendship. For me the process of determining, building, maintaining trust -- it's tough.

I would have thought that true friendship would be the easiest to build. Am I making it too difficult?

Honesty. That is key I think. A person needs to be able to say, 'This doesn't work for me' without being made to feel like a lousy "friend."

I see others that seem to just have the easiest of relationships - without the drama. There are ups and downs in life and we all go through them but lately I have been ready to retire and find myself without the drama. Now isn't the time but the unfortunate goings on really need to stop. I'm being pulled -- rather, I have allowed myself -- to be pulled into the drama in other's lives and I really don't have any clue all the pieces to their puzzles. I just feel that a few people are trying to gather up "support" for their arguments and it's wrong.

Fight your own battle. I don't want to put on the gloves. And I don't intend to sit on the side of the ring and root you on.

Enough is enough.

Take your gloves off, kiss, and make up.

OR - battle it out but on your own time in your own ring.

And may the best man - or woman - win.

NOTE: The true winners will be the ones who take off the gloves, tell the ref to go home - and decide instead, to talk it out.

My Name Is Rebecca and ...

ad⋅dic⋅tion – noun

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

Hmmm - I've probably said this before but I have, in the past, haughtily prided (is that redundant??) myself on having never been addicted to cigarettes, alcohol, drugs.

But food? Can you really be addicted to FOOD? Who woulda' really thunk it? Food is kicking my butt!!

Today - once again - I resolved to be "good" ... we had a wholesome, nutritious breakfast. I brought carrot sticks and fat free ranch dressing for a morning snack. I had a mini-pita roll with 3 slices of roast beef and one slice lean provolone - oh, and one peach. For my afternoon snack I had a small serving of strawberry jello. By the time I got off work @ 2:15 p.m., I had already consumed half of my water allotment for the day.

Not too bad.

Then I got home. I tallied up my calories and I was at 880 c. Considering I am allowing myself 1200-1400 c. right now - that was "okay" - enough for dinner.

Then I sat down to finish my homework (Stats) - due tomorrow night. I only had two questions to complete ... but I couldn't quite figure them out. It was at THIS exact moment I thought of the frosted animal cookies in the cupboard.

Nope.

Resist.

I waited and the urge passed. Phew - I did it! Then the phone ring. My new OBGYN's office with the results of my blood work ... "Your cholesterol numbers are up. They aren't terrible but the doctor would like you to follow-up with your primary physician as soon as possible to determine how he or she would like to proceed."

What? (Okay, scratch the "What?" ... Honestly, it's not like I can even pretend to be surprised. Of course my cholesterol numbers are elevated ... my eating sucks lately.)

I hung up the phone ... went to the cupboard, counted out 10 frosted animal crackers. That didn't fill me up - or at least didn't fill the void - or whatever it was I was feeding. (??)

I then grabbed two frosted strawberry poptarts ... the eating had begun. By the time dinner rolled around I was at 1500 c., so I told myself I would sit with the family but wouldn't eat because I had already consumed my calories for the day.

Do you think I stuck with that?

Nope.

I had meatloaf, mashed potatoes, two flaky biscuits, green beans ... I don't have a clue where my calorie count ended up for the day .... BUT ...

I do know why I'm not able to lose weight!

I never write down what I eat ... I guess by not writing it down I can "pretend" that the calories didn't exist? What the heck? Who am I foolin' here?

Certainly not my thighs.

I wouldn't think a person could really be addicted to food but ... my eating patterns are unhealthy and I don't exercise regularly.

I walked a few times last week and then my thighs were raw because they rubbed together (yuck - sorry ... I know ... the truth hurts).

Soooo much to learn -
Soooo far to go -
Soooo much to lose -

But I still won't give up ~


I'll keep you posted ...

... In God We Trust

Rebecca got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...

... that doubt is the greatest gift, - it's the space between two certainties.

Any change on its way from one place of stability to the next one, passes through a period of doubt.

Your old perspective has to disintegrate, and doubt comes in for a visit - even if only for a moment, before the new perspective takes root.

Doubt is your greatest gift, because from doubt you can go anywhere.

Blogging for Dummies ...

I need the "Blogging for Dummies" book. (Either that or I need to learn how to speak a bazillion other foreign languages so that, when I click on the "NEXT" tab at the top of the blog, I can translate all the posts that currently make no sense to me.)

That's it. Nothing deep. Just simple.

I'll keep you posted ... eventually ... when I have more to say. ;-)

After the game ...

"After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box."

[Italian Proverb]

Hmmm ...

So off and on today I have been listening to the song, "Unredeemed" by Selah. Something about that song reaches me deeply. I am not sure if it is the line about, "For every choice that led to shame" or the "For every vow that someone broke" -

Either way - I have felt both of those in my lifetime - shame for choices and guilt over the broken vow of my first marriage ...

Just the reminder that God has the power to create beauty from ashes is restorative and ... it brings me peace.

So - as the song says, "Just watch and see, it will not be - unredeemed."

I'm watching. I look forward to seeing ...

I've come to the conclusion that yes, the entire spiritual journey boils down to faith.

Anyway ~ moving on ... I have also come to the conclusion of late that there is too much "blah" in my "blah-g" (a.k.a. blog) so - it' s time to step it up a bit and tap into some joy ....

Then spread it around.

That's all for today - but, as always,

I'll keep you posted ~

"Unredeemed" - By Selah

This song says "it" more than I ever could ... so well done. I hope you are touched as I was.

http://selahonline.com/general/240

"Unredeemed"

The cruelest word

The coldest heart

The deepest wound

The endless dark

The lonely ache

The burning tears

The bitter nights

The wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart

But we know these are

Places

Where grace is

Soon to be

So amazing

It may be unfulfilled

It may be unrestored

But when anything that's shattered

Is laid before the Lord

Just watch and see

It will not be

Unredeemed

For every choice

That led to shame

And all the love

That never came

For every vow

That someone broke

And every life

That gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall

But the cross says these are all

Places

Where grace is

Soon to be

So amazing

It may be unfulfilled

It may be unrestored

But when anything that's shattered

Is laid before the Lord

Just watch and see

It will not be

Unredeemed

Places

Where grace is

Soon to be

So amazing

It may be unfulfilled

It may be unrestored

But you never know

The miracle the Father has in store

Just watch and see

It will not be

Just watch and see

It will not be

Unredeemed

(Selah - 2009)

Selah!

Awww

So ... I was sitting at my desk minding my own business when I look up and see my hubby walking in the door with a vase full of roses, a red "I Love You" heart balloon & an adorable little stuffed ladybug squeezed in the bouquet!

Awwww - now THAT was nice!! :-)

It was very thoughtful ~ especially because I recently told him I didn't want any more "live" plants or flowers. It wasn't that I didn't appreciate the thought behind live flowers, etc. - it was just that, for my birthday, my co-workers had presented me with two plants and ... by the weeks end ... they were both wilting/dying. :-(

It was soooo sad (and I definitely have a brown thumb -- there's no green in it!). The fact that these two plants were about to die brought me to tears and I told my husband, "Please don't get me anything live - it makes me feel sooo bad if/when they die."

So -- the present today -- totally unexpected -- was a bouquet of artificial silk red roses (they have 'I Love You' and XO XO XO's imprinted on them) ... which shows how much he was paying attention to what I had said.

Thanks hubby!

You ROCK! And, if you happen to see this blog today ~ please know that I Love YOU! :-) (Always & Forever) ~

'me'

Hmph?

I cannot figure out the blogger thing here .... some days I have a BAZILLION gaps between my lines, other days they run together as one long paragraph ... and yet I separate each paragraph with the same number of lines each time I blog ~

I also want to figure out how to read other blogs - but only the ones in English. I don't read Hebrew, Greek, Spanish, Chinese, Japanese - not there yet. Sooo - when I click the little link to advance to the next blog - is there a way to set this up so that I only see blogs that are (either) of interest to me or in the language I can understand?

I'm just askin' ! :-)

As always - I'll keep you posted ...

God

You know what I find humorous?



I find it humorous - in a good way - that, when I have a question (about ANYTHING), the first "Person" I talk to about it inside is who I refer to as ... God.



It's true.



I never really gave it much thought until I started blogging ~ but I am always conversing with God about one thing or the other. I either say, "Wow - that person's such an idiot - what were you thinking when you put them in a womb and sent them our way?" (ha) - or "Wow, now THAT is one amazing sunrise - way to go, God!"

Seriously - I have these conversations on a daily - even moment to moment - basis. I have always figured most people do. Then I started asking, "Who do athiest talk to when they have something to say about an awesome sunrise?"

There is no doubt in my mind and heart that I have a strong belief.



It's the concept(s) of how to get to Heaven and whether the Bible is the the wholly (don't confuse that with "holy") inspired Word of God. There are many things that I don't get in the bible ... and while I realize the Bible wasn't "written" to pacify my feelings or be a "feel good" read - I still have my questions about it. And I think that is A-OK.



Take for instance, the book of Judges.



If you haven't ever studied it - there's this one story in the book of Judges. It is about a promise made by a leader and about the ultimate sacrifice of his (Jephthah’s) daughter to keep that promise (Judges 11:31 -).

Come on now ... seriously? Murder your child because God blessed you and you made a promise?



I know, I know -- "Be careful of what you vow" -- but ... come on. The story was used as an example to believers in many a youth group bible study - as to the seriousness of a vow -- don't make a vow you don't intend to keep.



In today's day and age that guy would totally be thrown in the slammer (and rightfully so). Yes, we need to be careful of our promises but seriously - if I screwed up and vowed that I would sacrifice the next thing that came out of my door and it happened to be my daughter - I would tell God, "I'm sorry - I'm REALLY sorry - but I obviously did not think this one through." I would hope He'd understand.



Just yesterday I read about a father who prayed over his daughter while she lay dying of undiagnosed diabetes complications. He refused to seek medical help because he felt that, to do so, would be indicative of a lack of faith.

The article stated in as many words that the man believed that once he prayed to God - accepting human intervention would negate the Divine.

I disagree with the way the man handled this situation. While I can appreciate the fact that he had so much faith - it's not a decision I would ever make. And, unfortunately, it cost his daughter her life. Not his, hers.

Anywhooo - ultimately the poor little girl died and a 9-1-1 call was placed AFTER the fact.
I do feel for this man and his family ~ I realize he had all of the belief in the world that God would heal his daughter. But - she wasn't healed - at least not healed by the world's standards. I guess some would say she received the ultimate healing and I understand where they're going with that. But for this man? His faith was not made sight for him in this lifetime and - he faced charges and was found guilty by a jury of his peers.

It's a very sad story - but where do faithful draw a line? Is it okay to have faith for yourself but not okay to have faith on behalf of another (a child, for example?)? This poor little girl died as a direct result of a father's lack of willingness to get her proper medical attention.

I think the situation is even worse with Jephthah. His daughter ended up dying at his own hand. It doesn't make a difference to me that she supported it. What's she gonna' say to her daddy?

I think it was wrong.

I don't get that story and that is just one that I thought of to express my questioning.

How dare I question God, you ask (or maybe you didn't)? I am asking questions of a pretty reliable source, I'd say. I don't think there there is anything wrong with asking Him questions -- at least I'm not talking behind His back and ... He knows what's in my heart and what's on my mind already anyway.

Some would say that is a story from the Old Testament and that once Jesus came (New Testament) he was the final sacrifice. Yet the Bible also says, Jesus is the same - Yesterday, Today and Forever - and Jesus is God.

So which is it? Was it okay to murder a child at any point in bible days? OR - if it's not okay to sacrifice a child now - then why would it have been then? How in the world can that be okay?? I say it's NOT! Personal opinion.



[You know King James ... THAT story sucks. Take it out Wycliff - please. ha]

Slavery - there's another one ~ but I won't get into that today.



I must sign off for now - a new day begins ...


As always - I'll keep you posted ... :-)

When the Red Red Robin Comes Bob Bob Bobbin' Along ...

Wow - did you know there are almost 200 c. in a Red Robin Freckled Lemonade? Ouch. Add a refill and a meal ... and I ended up at 1681 c. for my "lunch" today. I'm thinking dinner better be some broth!

I'm taking a break from the heavier topics ... well, sort of. Talking about my weight lately is a "heavy" topic but ... not quite so deep.

As to the spiritual aspects of my life - I am going to try to do the "Let Go/Let God" thing and see what happens. I'm praying, listening, waiting and listening -- oh, and did I mention listening?

:-)

I'm glad it's Saturday ... but it's definitely a BUSY Saturday. I have a lot of "projects" in the works (filing, shredding, dusting, vaccuuming, cleaning in general) -- but I feel good that I'm getting a LOT done!

:-)

So now -- back to it. I'll writing again later when I have more to say ...

As always, I'll keep you posted ~

"If you can't say something nice ... "

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5Bbt9extsg

... in short: I have sooo many friends that are not believers as Christians define "belief". So many good people. These friends show no interest in changing their faith, they believe they have the answers they need. For them to betray their faith would be like asking Billy Graham to betray his Christianity.

Who is to say either of them are wrong?



I know, I know ... The Bible.

Well, I'll tell you my problem with this thinking these days:



I know people who call themselves "Christians" and they are horrible people. I know a "Christian" who hurt my child and people like that think that, because they prayed the right prayer and asked Jesus into their heart "once upon a time" that makes it "okay" ... forgive and move on, right? They get the "Get Out of Jail Free" card that they can turn in when they reach the Pearly Gates and I feel guilty for not forgiving in the name of Jesus.

I have my past, too. I made mistakes along the way and wouldn't deserve the 'Get Out of Jail Free' card if my actions were held up before God during the end of my first marriage. I'm not saying I'm better than anybody else. But - there ARE people who have done better than I have on this journey and what? Because they weren't raised to pray that sinner's prayer they are forever condemned if they don't pray now because it's not something they have been raised to believe is real?

I'd like to know what makes some sinners okay but yet a person with a much more honest, ethical living is condemned to hell because they didn't say the right prayer?


One prayer?

There are verses galore to tell me why I'm wrong, why a ticket to Heaven isn't about good works "lest any man should boast" - and personally - I should be thrilled that it's not about good works because I fall so short. But at this point in my life I just don't think that what I've been taught is right any more. At least not in its entirety.

I'm not sure what I believe about Heaven or Hell or Jesus or the Bible. I know there's something much Bigger out there than me - than all of us ... but who can say for certain Who that is?

We all think we're right ... even the people who don't read the Holy Bible. They read the Book of Mormon or something else ... they have devoted their lives to service. They sacrifice, they give, they love, they help. Why are Christians the only ones who are safe?

I don't know.


I know senior citizens who are wonderful people ... I do not believe they are condemned to hell because they didn't pray the right prayer in their younger years.

I know people who have given all their possessions away because they have seen others in need but ... they don't pray to Jesus.

How in the world can they be condemned to hell? But a person that prays the last minute on a cross gets in? For real??

I sincerely hope it's not true.

I know there have been times in my life that I have sincerely, urgently, eagerly, fervently cried out to God. I've asked Him for help. I've waited - at times so patiently it's ridiculous.

Looking back? He didn't help my family when my kids were little. He didn't help my first husband when he sincerely tried to do right by our church members and no matter what - it wasn't good enough ~ a few of those church members made it their mission to beat him down and run him out. I hated that time in my life -- I hated church and a few of the individuals that attended. I cannot imagine they would have a right to occupy Heaven while another who lived a highly moral life but didn't pray "the prayer" was denied a right to occupy Heaven. I don't believe God protected my child when molestation was going on without our knowledge. I had a gut feeling about certain situations - that something wasn't right ... but I was told I was too overprotective, that I didn't have enough faith. "Let go - Let God."

Bull shit. I should've followed my gut and not listened to in-laws or church members that said I needed to entrust my kids into other's care ... I should have listened to me!

If God really cared so much about a sparrow ... ?

?

I can accept that ultimately His ways are better than mine and that I don't deserve salvation or Heaven any more than the next sinner.



But there are people who really deserve Heaven more than some frauds calling themselves Christians who, quite frankly, don't deserve to get in.


Am I bitter? I guess so. It sure sounds like it when I read this over. I just get so tired of people who are nasty, hateful, mean, hurtful, even evil - hiding in church pews or church choirs, or Sunday School classes, or church nursery's, or Christian School Day Care Centers ... and they have hidden agendas but ... they prayed the right prayer so .... it's covered.

I can't accept that.



Why doesn't God fix this? It's an age old question ... I know. "Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?" Innocent children especially!




I want to be a patient follower. But I just don't even HEAR Him when I call on Him.

Do you?

I mean REALLY??!




I'm not singling anybody out here but if you are reading this blog right now and you consider yourself a Christian -- if you believe in God - if you have accepted Jesus ... do you sincerly have that daily, close fellowship and relationship with Him? Or do you not and you just act like you do because everybody else acts like that?

It seems like a biblical version of, "The Emperor's New Clothes" sometimes. I'm not saying that God is not real .... but I am beginning to conclude that I don't know Him very well.

I want to.

If I could hear Him for myself. If I could REALLY HEAR HIM. If He would just say to me, "Be still and know that I am God" - and I wouldn't have to just read those words from a Bible translated thousands of years ago.

I want to hear from the Almighty today - well, I'm not demanding today - I'm not trying to demand any day. And I don't want to be struck by lightning for questioning ... it's a little scary to put myself out there. But honestly --

I want to hear something current. I want that peace that passeth all understanding.



Heck, I'd just like some understanding right now.

I listen to both Air 1 Radio and K-Love radio. The hosts of those shows SOUND like they have a real relationship with God. But do they? Are they just playing the part because it's part of the job description?

I want to hear from God, be assured that it's Him and build a relationship with Him. I want that more than anything else right now.


I'll keep you posted ~

... between a rock and a hard place?

I'm stuck.

I really am stuck.

When I started this "blog" a few months back - I started it with the intention of dealing with my weight problem once and for all. I had heard from others (those who'd had success with keeping their weight off) that journaling and/or keeping track of everything you eat on a daily basis can help an individual achieve permanent weight loss. Hey! I want permanent weight loss so ... if successful people indicate this is one of the things that helped them keep their weight off ... count me in.

The thing is, I'm finding that I log on to write my weight and often end up talking about something else. Of late? God.

I wonder at times if I will figure these things out ... if I will truly find God and feel a sense of peace with where I am spiritually. I wonder if I will finally figure out why I struggle so much with my weight.

I am pretty convinced that I cannot find the answers to one without working through my questions about the other (if that makes any sense). I think I use food as a coping mechanism to deal with feelings and I have so many conflicting feelings regarding my faith lately that I think the two are going hand in hand - the struggle with both my faith and my weight.

As I've said before - it's not a journey anybody else can take for me but if they could I'd definitely pass this torch to the runner ahead of me and I'd step off the track and see who comes in first.

That's not supposed to be as much of a "woe as me" as it sounds but the answers I seek are not coming easy. I'll think about something and then a verse will come back to me that reminds me, "Nope - that's not what the Bible says."

I guess some of this comes down to how I see the Bible. Do I believe the bible is the fully inspired Word of God ... verbatim? Is it a book written during a time when cultures and rituals were much different? Was it written for people of our day? Is it a relevant book for today? If I believe some of it, do I have to believe all of it?

There are no easy answers for me right now. I'm definitely seeking.


I'll keep you posted ...

... of walking and Winnebago's (Part V)

So here’s the thing ... there’s a lot of GOOD stuff in the Bible when you decide to read it for yourself, by yourself.

[Don’t get me wrong – I have nothing at all against the idea of getting together with others but – it’s a lot better when you read and then listen for God to speak instead of just listening to that the lady seated next to you in the circle with the cookie in her hand (that she says she shouldn’t be eating) and a bible opened on her lap.]

These ramblings are just that: My ramblings. This is 100% my journey and I can assure you – not everything will be theologically sound/accurate at all times. It’s okay … I’m working on it. Simply stated: This blog is an indicator of where I am at this point in my life. A way for me to work out some of my questions about God, a way to talk about my weight loss journey, etc. I do my best “thinking” when I have a pen in my hand or a keyboard at my fingertips.

Please – I would implore you - don’t use anybody else’s journey as an excuse to bypass your own. (That would be like asking someone to put on their running shoes and do your daily exercise for you ~ it doesn’t work that way. And it won’t show up on your scale as pounds lost. You’ve got to do the work[out] yourself.)

Moving on ~ to be certain I wasn’t totally butchering the “Doubting Thomas” story last time around – I looked it up and read it once again.

Here’s the story from the NIV version of the Bible:

19 On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you!"
20 After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord.
21 Again Jesus said, "Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you."
22 And with that he breathed on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit.
23 If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven."

24 Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came.
25 So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord!" But he said to them, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it."
26 A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you!"
27 Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe."
28 Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!"
29 Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."


Okay - here's the deal: I get you Thomas. I toootally hear where you’re coming from. And personally … I’m not so sure that Thomas’ issue had so much to do with the fact that he didn’t believe what the other disciples had told him. I think it had more to do with the fact that Thomas wanted to see Jesus for himself ~ and not just take his friends’ word for it. (That's the way I'm reading it anyway).

And ... THAT is where I am coming from here.

Seriously ~ read that passage from the bible yourself (if you don't have one I'll loan you mine ... for a couple minutes - ha). I found it interesting that, when Jesus appeared to his disciples the first time He stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” ... WHAT was the first thing the Bible says He did after that?

20After He said this, He showed them His hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord.

Hmmm – look how the King James Version translates this:

19 Then the same day at evening, being the first day of the week, when the doors were shut where the disciples were assembled for fear of the Jews, came Jesus and stood in the midst, and saith unto them, Peace be unto you.
20 And when he had so said, he shewed unto them his hands and his side. Then were the disciples glad, when they saw the LORD.

I think He confirmed what they needed without them having to ask because He knew they were wondering.
I’m sure this isn’t some new revelation to Bible scholars – but it’s new to me.

I’ve always felt like Thomas was kinda’ the “loser disciple” – the skeptical, doubting, wannabe disciple who had to have “proof” (while the others had super strength faith and were full of conviction and assurance when their friend Jesus walked through ... the wall!)

Why do you think Jesus took the initiative to show them His scars? The way I read this, I think it almost seems that Jesus knew that His disciples would need “proof.” I think He realized these brothers were wondering if He was the real deal (after all – it’s not everyday your dead friend walks through the wall to say, “Hey!”). Before they even asked Him to do so – He offered his hands and side as proof that the scars were real and that He was, indeed, their dear friend Jesus.

Thomas catches a lot of flack from the pulpit for being a doubter but … I don’t think he was alone in his feelings. I just think the others were afraid to admit it.

This reminds me of my first semester back in college after a 20+ year “break” (ha)! You see, I have always been allergic to “math” – seriously. That course is pretty much the reason I never finished the first time around – math intimidation. I decided I was going to face it head on in the Fall of 2007 so I had my transcripts forwarded to the community college in my hometown and then …

I signed up for a class lovingly referred to by incoming college freshman as “bonehead math.” Right up my alley -- I needed the most basic of the basics.

The first day in class I did what I do – I observed.

I sat in the middle of the room (not the front row or the back row - right in the middle) … and I listened, I observed. As that first week went on I realized – NOBODY – was asking questions.

Uh oh. I had questions – was I this far behind? Am I totally screwed? What is the last day to drop the class and get a full refund?

Finally – when the second week rolled around I decided – forget this. I paid for the units to take this class, I paid (way too much) for my text book … I’m going to get my money’s worth. I raised my hand. The teacher called on me.

I hate that feeling of having “all eyes” on me. But – what the heck … it was my turn to ask a question and I did. I started by apologizing for asking something "that probably everybody already knows” … and then …. I posed my question to the instructor. Phew - I survived! :-)

Do you know what? Instead of answering my question – the instructor turned to the rest of the class and said, "If anyone knows the answer to her question please -- speak up."

Nobody responded!

Now I’m sure SOMEBODY besides our instructor knew the right answer and they were just too humble or shy to speak up but … he was making a point for my benefit.

He said to me, “Never apologize for asking a question. There are no stupid questions AND what I’ve learned from my many years in teaching is that if one student asks a question there are usually several other students who have the same question but don't want to raise their hand.”

THAT was a good life lesson for me! An "aha" moment, if you will. And – after that day – others raised their hands. They asked questions that I had and he answered them for all of us. It was GREAT.

I think Thomas was the first person in the class who wasn’t afraid to raise his hand. The others were fortunate too. For the other guys Jesus gave them a break and answered the question before they had to ask … (He already knew they had doubts – otherwise … why would he have shown them his hands and side? Did he think the scars looked cool? I think not.)

Anywhooo - I don't think this journey has to be traveled 100% alone ... (in fact – the bible says, “Forsake not the assembling of yourselves together). But on this journey, since the path is narrow we should probably walk in single file for a while. HA

And there’s no talking yet – we are listening for the directions to the top of this mountain from God himself. Focus. No distractions. I think what I am already learning on this journey is that I have to be honest and openly address my questions, my doubts, my struggles with my "religion" and, again, the key will be listening to God. I'm not sure I've ever really known how to do that. I have collected my directional maps from others who, if truth be told, are probably just as lost as me at times but not willing to admit it for fear they will be "ostracized" and/or "judged" by fellow Christians.

To be continued ...

... of walking and Winnebago's - Part IV

So I have made my decision. I am moving forward up this mountain on my own. It's a narrow road, yes, but I have been told there are a few "turn outs" up further on the path. If I want there will be a point at which I can turn back but ... why would I choose to do that?

I hope I don't chicken out at any point along the way because I sincerely believe the ultimate destination will be well worth the journey.

All metaphors aside ~ this is the time in life that I want to find and intimately get to know ... GOD.

Who is God? Are Jesus and God truly one and the same? Is Jesus God's Son and ultimately the only way to get to Heaven after this life?

This is what I've always been taught. To believe otherwise is blasphemy - a denial of Jesus' diety. A ticket to the place "downstairs."

But this is the place where my rubber and road have hit. I have questions. I don't believe God is afraid of questions and I do believe God - and only God - has the answers I'm seeking. I can ask others, I can read books, I can sit in a pew. I can hear the opinions of people eager to introduce me to God as they know Him. And - I'm open to this.

However, I believe that ultimately, only God will be able to reveal Himself to me and when He does - I need to trust Him. First I need to trust that it is Him speaking to me and second - I need to take Him at His Word once I'm sure it's Him talking.

Given those two steps it will be key that I listen. I wrote a song once ~ actually it was more of a "chorus" ~ and the verses have always been difficult for me to complete. I'd play the music for you here but...ummm, haven't figured out how to make that feature work yet. We'll stick with the lyrics for now:

"In a Still Small Voice I heard you calling me.

In a Still Small Voice I heard you say,

"My child you're not alone I'm here to guide you

Do not search anymore I am right beside you

In a Still Small Voice You spoke my name."

That song was the beginning of my quest to find God ~ because I really don't think I came up with the lyrics on my own. I think that was a "God" thing. I figured it was time I got to know the Author of that chorus a bit better.

[The path is narrowing here. Do I want to take the turn-out ahead? No, I choose to continue moving forward ... ]

I was raised to believe that the Baptist church pretty much held the patent on how to find God. Other religions were either cults in disguise or poor, misguided, well meaning souls who had no clue of the real truth. (NOTE: Monday night and Saturday visitation was the Baptist way of setting them straight ... if you were lucky enough to get a word in before the door was slammed on your face.)

If one wanted to be a "real" Christian - there were certain rules (spoken and un-) that dictated spirituality and you were judged on the basis of how well you adhered to those rules. There were things such as outward appearance (hair, clothing, hygiene), habits (smoking, drinking), how you talked (profanity), the people/groups you associated with, whether or not your church attendance was "faithful" and consistent.

I can remember all too well the mood when somebody walked into "our church" on a Sunday morning that didn't quite 'measure up' to the spiritual standards. There was almost a 'gasp' if a woman walked in wearing jeans, or a guy walked in with long hair and/or a beard. It was all so discriminating and pious. Even as a kid I felt this. There was a single mother that began attending regularly when I was in 3rd or 4th grade. She would have been a welfare recipient I suppose and her kids were somewhat disheveled. The oldest daughter tried hard to fit in - to look pretty, to put on a little make-up, to clean up well. You could tell she "got" the criteria for fitting in here and as a young teen she really wanted to make the cut. The youngest - a red headed boy - was a bit more mischievous. He liked to move around, get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the service (ooops, you definitely lost points with that move!) but all in all he was just a "rambunctious boy" by today's standards. But the middle daughter? Wow - she was marked and labeled.

Earlene.

Poor Earlene. We "all" knew about Earlene. I can't even count the number of times that girl was in trouble, accused of whatever "crime" had been committed. (Somebody once smeared feces on a bathroom stall...the "guilty party" had to be Earlene.) I remember one time in 4th grade our teacher had us take a $100,000 Dollar Bar and set it on the desk and then we would go out to recess. When she returned she'd be alone in the room. Everybody was in on this little "experiment" - everybody that is, but Earlene - who had been summoned to the office ... (Coincidence? I think not!). The test was, "Will Earlene steal the candybar?" Everybody took a vote and the consensus was - yes, she most definitely would.

She didn't, by the way. (Shame on Mrs. Brown.)

I doubt Earlene was guilty of many of the things she was accused of doing. But I wonder if, after a while, she kind of "grew into" the person everybody said she was. I often wonder about Earlene. Was she responsible for that stall incident? That left such an impression on me. I looked at her as the possessed girl - the girl that Jesus couldn't "fix" - the girl that wasn't good enough for Jesus.

I was sure glad I wasn't Earlene.

Wow - she never even had a chance.

I've often thought about various people. People who were Mormons or Pentecostals. One was described as a "cult" and the other a possessed group of people who believed in speaking tongues which was of the devil, of course.

Sincere people. People who believed 'their' religion was right just as I believed 'my' religion was right. What made me right and them wrong? How come the Baptist's had the corner on the market??

The older I have grown the more I have questioned this. Is Jesus the only Way to God? I know, I know ... blasphemy. I am definitely not wanting to be blasphemous or deny Christ. I am sincerely questioning and ... I think that is okay. Jesus Himself told Thomas it was "okay" to question - to have doubts. He wasn't as "good" as those who didn't question but ... he was "okay" - he wasn't condemned for questioning and needing proof that Jesus was Who He said He was.

Those of you who aren't questioning? According to the Thomas story, you are blessed. But I'm still okay.

To be continued ...