So I have made my decision. I am moving forward up this mountain on my own. It's a narrow road, yes, but I have been told there are a few "turn outs" up further on the path. If I want there will be a point at which I can turn back but ... why would I choose to do that?
I hope I don't chicken out at any point along the way because I sincerely believe the ultimate destination will be well worth the journey.
All metaphors aside ~ this is the time in life that I want to find and intimately get to know ... GOD.
Who is God? Are Jesus and God truly one and the same? Is Jesus God's Son and ultimately the only way to get to Heaven after this life?
This is what I've always been taught. To believe otherwise is blasphemy - a denial of Jesus' diety. A ticket to the place "downstairs."
But this is the place where my rubber and road have hit. I have questions. I don't believe God is afraid of questions and I do believe God - and only God - has the answers I'm seeking. I can ask others, I can read books, I can sit in a pew. I can hear the opinions of people eager to introduce me to God as they know Him. And - I'm open to this.
However, I believe that ultimately, only God will be able to reveal Himself to me and when He does - I need to trust Him. First I need to trust that it is Him speaking to me and second - I need to take Him at His Word once I'm sure it's Him talking.
Given those two steps it will be key that I listen. I wrote a song once ~ actually it was more of a "chorus" ~ and the verses have always been difficult for me to complete. I'd play the music for you here but...ummm, haven't figured out how to make that feature work yet. We'll stick with the lyrics for now:
"In a Still Small Voice I heard you calling me.
In a Still Small Voice I heard you say,
"My child you're not alone I'm here to guide you
Do not search anymore I am right beside you
In a Still Small Voice You spoke my name."
That song was the beginning of my quest to find God ~ because I really don't think I came up with the lyrics on my own. I think that was a "God" thing. I figured it was time I got to know the Author of that chorus a bit better.
[The path is narrowing here. Do I want to take the turn-out ahead? No, I choose to continue moving forward ... ]
I was raised to believe that the Baptist church pretty much held the patent on how to find God. Other religions were either cults in disguise or poor, misguided, well meaning souls who had no clue of the real truth. (NOTE: Monday night and Saturday visitation was the Baptist way of setting them straight ... if you were lucky enough to get a word in before the door was slammed on your face.)
If one wanted to be a "real" Christian - there were certain rules (spoken and un-) that dictated spirituality and you were judged on the basis of how well you adhered to those rules. There were things such as outward appearance (hair, clothing, hygiene), habits (smoking, drinking), how you talked (profanity), the people/groups you associated with, whether or not your church attendance was "faithful" and consistent.
I can remember all too well the mood when somebody walked into "our church" on a Sunday morning that didn't quite 'measure up' to the spiritual standards. There was almost a 'gasp' if a woman walked in wearing jeans, or a guy walked in with long hair and/or a beard. It was all so discriminating and pious. Even as a kid I felt this. There was a single mother that began attending regularly when I was in 3rd or 4th grade. She would have been a welfare recipient I suppose and her kids were somewhat disheveled. The oldest daughter tried hard to fit in - to look pretty, to put on a little make-up, to clean up well. You could tell she "got" the criteria for fitting in here and as a young teen she really wanted to make the cut. The youngest - a red headed boy - was a bit more mischievous. He liked to move around, get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the service (ooops, you definitely lost points with that move!) but all in all he was just a "rambunctious boy" by today's standards. But the middle daughter? Wow - she was marked and labeled.
Earlene.
Poor Earlene. We "all" knew about Earlene. I can't even count the number of times that girl was in trouble, accused of whatever "crime" had been committed. (Somebody once smeared feces on a bathroom stall...the "guilty party" had to be Earlene.) I remember one time in 4th grade our teacher had us take a $100,000 Dollar Bar and set it on the desk and then we would go out to recess. When she returned she'd be alone in the room. Everybody was in on this little "experiment" - everybody that is, but Earlene - who had been summoned to the office ... (Coincidence? I think not!). The test was, "Will Earlene steal the candybar?" Everybody took a vote and the consensus was - yes, she most definitely would.
She didn't, by the way. (Shame on Mrs. Brown.)
I doubt Earlene was guilty of many of the things she was accused of doing. But I wonder if, after a while, she kind of "grew into" the person everybody said she was. I often wonder about Earlene. Was she responsible for that stall incident? That left such an impression on me. I looked at her as the possessed girl - the girl that Jesus couldn't "fix" - the girl that wasn't good enough for Jesus.
I was sure glad I wasn't Earlene.
Wow - she never even had a chance.
I've often thought about various people. People who were Mormons or Pentecostals. One was described as a "cult" and the other a possessed group of people who believed in speaking tongues which was of the devil, of course.
Sincere people. People who believed 'their' religion was right just as I believed 'my' religion was right. What made me right and them wrong? How come the Baptist's had the corner on the market??
The older I have grown the more I have questioned this. Is Jesus the only Way to God? I know, I know ... blasphemy. I am definitely not wanting to be blasphemous or deny Christ. I am sincerely questioning and ... I think that is okay. Jesus Himself told Thomas it was "okay" to question - to have doubts. He wasn't as "good" as those who didn't question but ... he was "okay" - he wasn't condemned for questioning and needing proof that Jesus was Who He said He was.
Those of you who aren't questioning? According to the Thomas story, you are blessed. But I'm still okay.
To be continued ...
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