Here’s the “skinny” (bah ha ha) on me today:
I was supposed to be down 2 pounds by tomorrow. Instead - I am up 4 pounds today. Hmph.
I have, in the past, kind of “prided myself” on being somewhat of a quippy writer … (always trying to come up with some nifty little title that is a play on words as a prelude to what the featured post will hold for the day).
Today? Not feeling so quippy. Not feeling so witty. Just feeling a little down.
I find myself wondering … WHY in the world can’t I ‘lick’ (bah ha ha) this … this … whatever it is. This … preoccupation with and addiction to food? This … obsession - constant obsession - over my weight, my appearance ~ even if/when I have reached a weight loss goal in the past … I can’t relax and enjoy it. This … day in/day out struggle with “sticking to” whatever it is I’m committing to accomplish diet wise in that moment.
I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs.
What I DO do is … I eat. And I overeat. I use food. And I abuse food. If/when I feel down … all I want to do is eat to feel better. And of course, once I eat - I do feel better. For just a “minute” … and then … well, you know the feeling after the good feeling passes. It’s that lousy “I blew it” feeling. Hmmm - I guess perhaps this is the equivalent of an addiction because it’s winning and it’s killing me emotionally in the process. Probably physically, too.
Geeeze!
I wake up every morning telling myself, “Today I am going to stick to … [fill in the blank with whatever my latest weight loss method is].” I do okay through a “breakfast” shake but come 10 am or 11 am, my resolve gets pushed aside. I just figure I’ll, “stick with it another day … right now I just need to eat.”
Then … I go to bed every evening telling myself, “Tomorrow I will do better ~ I will … [once again filling in the blank with whatever my latest weight loss method is].”
I used to be someone who was so determined, so self-disciplined … and now I have a hard time setting a goal or writing down a commitment to myself in a journal because I have let myself down so many times my ‘words’ are becoming less meaningful to even me.
Does that make any sense whatsoever?
I wouldn’t disrespect my family or my employer this much. I don’t think I would let anybody down to the extent I let myself down. What the heck??
Anyway - here I sit - disappointed in ‘moi’ - physically uncomfortable, heavier than I have ever been in my life (the only exception was during pregnancy) … and since my youngest “baby” is now 14 yrs., I can’t exactly blame this on baby weight now, can I?
The best I/we can do is keep moving forward and never give up. I’ve heard that we only fail when we stop trying and that I won’t do.
Thanks to those of you that have joined my blog and are runners in this race with me. I’m not sure how to maneuver my way through the blog-o-sphere so if I don’t respond to you it’s nothing personal … give me time and I’ll figure this forum out.
Happy “almost” Friday ~
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It's honestly a relief to hear a friend who sees life, their own self, their habit, as I see it. I often say "Everyone's got something." - meaning, everyone has a habit, an obsession, a "drug of choice" in life. It may be exercise, alcohol, eating, cleaning, smoking, aggression toward others - anything that makes them feel better about the world and themselves. While it is not always an overt hindrance to their health, it is not a good, healthy way to deal with positive or negative emotions. Now, although I am smart in theory about this, as you are, why doesn't that make it any easier to deal with and get over it??
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