Okay. Here's the deal ... if today was a "test" in school I would not have received a passing grade. (sigh*)
It's truth time: My husband registered for a 66 mile organized bike ride that was to be held today. (He took up bike riding about 4 or 5 mos. ago.) For the past 8 years he had been saving up for a laptop computer but earlier this year, he opted to purchase a bike with his savings instead. His goal was to get fit and have fun while doing so and earlier this year he found that he enjoyed biking so he took up that hobby.
Today was an opportunity for him to put all of the past 4+ mos. of riding to the test (so to speak) and he passed with flying colors. I was really happy for him - and really proud of him.
On the flip side - I felt lousy about myself. I couldn't participate in this with him and I know he would have enjoyed an opportunity to ride together. I have always loved riding my bike. But at this point in my life? Wow - I cannot handle any type of inclines whatsoever.
I went to one spot along the route to whoop and hollar and cheer him on and he was doing GREAT! I came back home while he continued on the rest of the route and I felt so discouraged with myself. It was a very low/depressing feeling.
I cannot believe where I am physically! How in the hell did I get HERE? And how in the world do I get back to where I want to be? The road ahead seems soooo long! It almost seems impossible.
And, of course, all I wanted to do with all my feelings was ... EAT. I wanted something to make me feel better. On the positive side I was aware that eating something sweet and/or fatty in the "now" would only make me feel regretful in the "later." Another positive was that we don't have any junk food in the house ... well, there is some frozen cookie dough but only in the flavors I don't care for (peanut butter and white chocolate macadamia). If there was chocolate chip in the house ... all bets might've been off?! Anywhooo -
Where I didn't pass the test was later this evening when we went out to dinner to "celebrate" Chuck's 66 m. bike ride. We went to Outback's and I ordered the Filet and Stuffed Shrimp and had a sweet potato on the side. I had some bloomin' onion and some bread - on top of the meal I ordered.
I don't know how I will ever give up food as a way of "celebration" in my world. Food makes me happy - it makes me feel better -
But it's making me sick. It's taking years off of my life. I shouldn't be living in just the "now" but I should be realizing that I want to be able to relax and enjoy my later years as well -- I want to enjoy future grandchildren, I want to enjoy retirement, I want to be able to be there for my husband, my kids and my grandkids.
This is a battle - a struggle.
To my friend out there reading this who challenged me by saying I was an idiot for inviting others in to watch me fail - thank you because that is really proving to be helpful right now. I sincerely mean that. Those words are helping me to think ahead and regain perspective. I don't want to be embarrassed and the fear of possible humiliation is smacking me right in my face right now. I have to regain focus and keep moving forward.
It's truth time: My husband registered for a 66 mile organized bike ride that was to be held today. (He took up bike riding about 4 or 5 mos. ago.) For the past 8 years he had been saving up for a laptop computer but earlier this year, he opted to purchase a bike with his savings instead. His goal was to get fit and have fun while doing so and earlier this year he found that he enjoyed biking so he took up that hobby.
Today was an opportunity for him to put all of the past 4+ mos. of riding to the test (so to speak) and he passed with flying colors. I was really happy for him - and really proud of him.
On the flip side - I felt lousy about myself. I couldn't participate in this with him and I know he would have enjoyed an opportunity to ride together. I have always loved riding my bike. But at this point in my life? Wow - I cannot handle any type of inclines whatsoever.
I went to one spot along the route to whoop and hollar and cheer him on and he was doing GREAT! I came back home while he continued on the rest of the route and I felt so discouraged with myself. It was a very low/depressing feeling.
I cannot believe where I am physically! How in the hell did I get HERE? And how in the world do I get back to where I want to be? The road ahead seems soooo long! It almost seems impossible.
And, of course, all I wanted to do with all my feelings was ... EAT. I wanted something to make me feel better. On the positive side I was aware that eating something sweet and/or fatty in the "now" would only make me feel regretful in the "later." Another positive was that we don't have any junk food in the house ... well, there is some frozen cookie dough but only in the flavors I don't care for (peanut butter and white chocolate macadamia). If there was chocolate chip in the house ... all bets might've been off?! Anywhooo -
Where I didn't pass the test was later this evening when we went out to dinner to "celebrate" Chuck's 66 m. bike ride. We went to Outback's and I ordered the Filet and Stuffed Shrimp and had a sweet potato on the side. I had some bloomin' onion and some bread - on top of the meal I ordered.
I don't know how I will ever give up food as a way of "celebration" in my world. Food makes me happy - it makes me feel better -
But it's making me sick. It's taking years off of my life. I shouldn't be living in just the "now" but I should be realizing that I want to be able to relax and enjoy my later years as well -- I want to enjoy future grandchildren, I want to enjoy retirement, I want to be able to be there for my husband, my kids and my grandkids.
This is a battle - a struggle.
To my friend out there reading this who challenged me by saying I was an idiot for inviting others in to watch me fail - thank you because that is really proving to be helpful right now. I sincerely mean that. Those words are helping me to think ahead and regain perspective. I don't want to be embarrassed and the fear of possible humiliation is smacking me right in my face right now. I have to regain focus and keep moving forward.
This is a learning process -- I want to learn more about myself. This is not just a matter of going on some temporary crash diet to get the weight off ... (and then gaining it back by returning to previous eating habits). I need to - I must - make long term, permanent life changes. I cannot do that if I don't face my reality. The reality of how I use food for comfort instead of for nutrition. Not to say food cannot be enjoyed but right now I have yet to find that balance ... it's all or nothing for me when it comes to eating. I lack balance and self-control.
What a battle! I don't understand it much less know how to fight it. Yet.
I really want to learn. I really want to succeed. I will not throw in the towel. But - this journey will not be without inner struggles and temptations along the way. For setbacks like today I have to remember that giving up is NOT an option. The only time I will fail is if I stop trying.
Right now is kind of like bike riding - I'm on the bike but when I came to a hill today I wasn't prepared - I'm out of shape and ... I had to get off and walk my bike. Actually - with my food choices at dinner I got off the bike altogether and didn't finish the ride. I need to get back on the bike and continue to work on building my stamina.
I really want to learn. I really want to succeed. I will not throw in the towel. But - this journey will not be without inner struggles and temptations along the way. For setbacks like today I have to remember that giving up is NOT an option. The only time I will fail is if I stop trying.
Right now is kind of like bike riding - I'm on the bike but when I came to a hill today I wasn't prepared - I'm out of shape and ... I had to get off and walk my bike. Actually - with my food choices at dinner I got off the bike altogether and didn't finish the ride. I need to get back on the bike and continue to work on building my stamina.
I will say I am more aware and alert this time around - that is definitely something new! I am paying closer attention and listening to the way I am talking to myself!
Normally I would say, "Screw it," and consider it done. But I really don't want to live my life going up and down on the scale forever. Something must change. I guess "awareness" is a start. And -- I am aware and alert tonight. I can definitely see that I really use food and I love food and food is a friend to me.
This unhealthy relationship with food needs to be readjusted! I know that sounds stupid but -- when I feel "blah" - I need to change what makes me feel better -- what brings me happiness during a down time. I realized today that food really meets a need and I need to replace that with something more constructive and healthy.
So - now I know a bit more about myself and what I need to work on ...
I'll keep you "POSTED" on how things go ~
'me'
So - now I know a bit more about myself and what I need to work on ...
I'll keep you "POSTED" on how things go ~
'me'
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