“If a person who normally has a clear/flawless complexion wakes up one morning with a pimple on their chin … what do you think they will focus on? The flawless complexion they have “most days” or one annoying pimple “that day” ??
Hold that thought ... we’ll come back to it …
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I just got to thinking about something and thought I’d write about it. I wrote a poem off the cuff yesterday - just as a way of relaxing, unwinding, putting down my thoughts. Writing poetry has to be one of my favorite things in the world. It comes easy to me, it’s fun, it’s satisfying and I enjoy it immensely!
Usually, when I sit down to write a poem for the “heck of it” - it’s like taking one of those “flashcard ink blot psych tests” that you’ve probably seen on television. A card is flashed and you say the first thing that pops into your head. I hardly ever think out my poems ahead of time. I will start with one opening line and then usually write the entire poem (or blog) from start to finish. It’s easiest that way and is my way of putting down everything that is on my mind at that moment. Many times I find out what exactly IS on my mind by writing a poem or journaling without pausing to edit, etc.
Sometimes, however, I will get to the end of my writing and even I am surprised at what I have written! (ha) Often times I’m okay with what’s there but on occasion I will feel the need to go back and edit because if I post it publically (for example – in this blog), I question whether something I put in the writing might cause another who reads it to be hurt or angry. Many times I think in terms of family members or my ex-husband, or former friends from previous churches. Some have stayed in contact and know both me and my ex. If someone happens to click on a link to this blog from , say my Facebook page, will they read something and be upset as a result?
On the one hand – if someone is upset by my honesty - the beauty of a blog is … the “ESC” key. Nobody is being forced to read my writings. On the other hand, I sincerely don’t want to intentionally hurt anybody’s feelings with an “I don’t care – it’s all about me” attitude.
I feel I have been pretty transparent in previous writings in stating that the ending of that marriage was not one sided … I don’t blame him for everything ~ I don't blame myself for everything. Usually I blame myself for the bulk of things because I am hard on myself about the divorce and my failure to accomplish something I always believed was supposed to be “forever”. However, when I cut myself some slack and think in terms of the entire 19 years we were together – if I look at the totality of the relationship and not just those months at the end when I was "over it" -- I realize the “blame” falls on both of us.
But seriously - after being divorced over 10 years now – why does any “blame” need to be placed at all? It is OVER. Bottom line is … nobody’s thinking about this anymore. It’s MY history and it’s MY past. I keep bringing it up and it’s time to stop.
OK – so now back to my initial "pimple" question. If someone with normally flawless skin awakens with a pimple on their chin, my guess is that, 9 times out of 10, the blemish takes the forefront and the focus is not on the normally flawless complexion.
Why is this? Human nature? A pessimistic personality? An ongoing habit of looking at the glass half full?
Whatever the case may be, I have decided over the past few years that I have paid attention to a few blemishes for far too long. Many blogs and poems have subtle hints regarding my feelings/obsession with the failure of my first marriage, I subtly (maybe not so subtly?) refer to hateful church members in my past for whom I am obviously still holding a grudge and holding on with bitterness to the memory of their actions.
The pimples of my past are those times that I have failed myself and/or have felt that others have failed me. And you know - there is no “Pro-Active” skin formula that I can apply in 3 easy steps to clear up the blemishes. However, I do find the name of that skincare apropos as I write this blog today.
I must be PROACTIVE and change my focus. The past, my past, is in THE past. Or it should be … it could be. But I dredge it up every now and again and I’m not sure why.
Do I constantly feel the need to explain to people that there’s a reason my marriage failed? Do I need to make excuses for why I don't attend church now? Do I feel the need for affirmation that I’m okay the way I am?
Maybe that's been the way I've been operating but honestly - when I look at this - I'm tired of my own negativity - putting former church members, my former spouse, and/or myself - down.
The past is behind me. It’s over. There were good times, there were bad times. I made some good choices, I made some bad choices. There were some wonderful church members met along the way and there were some church members that I personally believe will be hot after they die (ummm - so much for not being judgmental?) ...
People aren't perfect but such is life. I'm not perfect either (newsflash!). ;-)
Life has its ups and downs, its pros and cons, its goods and bads, its positives and negatives. There are good people, there are bad people. There are people who make good choices and people who make bad choices. There are people who say they’re sorry and there are people who could simply care less.
WHO am I? WHAT do I focus on? I do have a choice as to how I focus my thoughts and where I place my attention.
For each of us - our past decisions, choices, behaviors will have consequences – we cannot escape that. Our consequences may be positive or they may be negative dependent on the actions involved as we make and live out our choices. We cannot shirk our responsibility for our own – especially if they weren’t good actions – and place blame on a former church member or a former ex-spouse or a former whoever ... you fill in the blank with someone you feel has wronged you.
For myself - I do not want to place blame anywhere any longer. I want to, instead, adjust my focus and think on better things! I will FOCUS more on the ups, the pros, the goods, the positives. The rest? I need to learn from, forgive, move forward – and put the past where it belongs: in the past.
History has a way of repeating itself if we don’t truly acknowledge our past mistakes and if we do not accept responsibility for them. Dr. Phil always says, “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” On the flipside (another Phil-ism coming), "We can change what we do acknowledge."
I believe there is always room for change, for improvement, for forgiveness, for healing, for new beginnings.
We take ourselves with us wherever we go so we may as well be honest – with ourselves and with others. My big thing is wanting everybody to like me and I have come to the realization that – if I am myself and if I am transparent – inevitably someone might not like me. They might not like me on the whole - or they may just not be happy with a decision I make, an opinion I voice, a blog I post. Can I accept that people won’t always agree with my opinions, my feelings, my blog, my poetry.
Hmmm – ya know what? Yes, yes I can accept that! I do not want to hurt anyone – that is not my intention. I’ll try to be sensitive to others' feelings while at the same time remaining true to my own.
And as to that pimple – yeah, it’s there – and it’s annoying. But the rest of my face looks pretty good at almost 47 years of age so ya know … I’ll dab a little toothpaste on that zit before I go to bed tonight and ... we’ll call it good!
Until next time … as always … I’ll keep you ~
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Well said. :)
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